To be absolutely sick of my mother?

[leavemealonemum]

I’m so so fed up with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and should have more tolerance for it.

our biggest issue is whether or not I will have children.

For context I am my mothers only child. She frequently tells me that she didn’t want kids and if she could do her life over again she wouldn’t have had any. However, in the same breath she begs for grandchildren constantly.

I am happily engaged and due to be married. She’s taken this as the idea that once we’re married we’ll have kids. I have told her many many times this isn’t the case and neither of us want children.

i am in my mid twenties and I am very career driven. I don’t want to explain my role in case it’s outing but think along the lines of accountant or solicitor. I am very proud of my job but it comes with long hours and little free time. I would not want to reduce my hours to have children. my fiancé works in medicine and therefore similarly has long hours. We enjoy the little time we have together and selfishly don’t want this taken away by anything.

i have also never been particularly maternal. I had some trauma as a child which perhaps has influenced this but either way I have never felt this ‘need’ for children.

when I tell my mum this she gets very angry and says it’s unfair she will never be a grandma. She says that I will change my mind eventually and that then it will be too late and i’ll be sad. She also loves the old “who will visit when you’re old?” I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to have children for one, and I also have lots of other people who I’d like to think would visit me when I’m old.

going back to the trauma mentioned earlier, I don’t want to go too much into it but essentially it was enabled by my mum. She has now ‘moved on’ from it and therefore feels I should have too and that it’s unfair for me to hold onto it apparently.

if I try and criticise anything she goes onto “oh so I’m just the worst mum in the world am I”

Shes recently been on at me for my weight. I’m 5’3 and about 11 stone so I appreciate that I am overweight. However, she acts like I need to join my 600lb life and that it’s going to send me to an early grave. She constantly comments about how much I eat and what I choose to eat and it’s exhausting.

the final thing is that she’s what I would refer to as an “elevenerife” person (you know the old joke, you’ve been to Tenerife they’ve been to elevenerife). Everything I ever do is nothing compared to her and her life. She always has to one up me and it feels like I can never be enough.

The latest example of this was that I told her fiancé and I had booked to go to Fiji for our honeymoon and she said “oh it’s nothing compared to Mauritius, I’ve been to mother and that was soo much nicer! Why on earth did you book there? You’ll hate it and wish you’d asked for my opinion”

she came to our house last week and all she did was moan that it wasn’t up to the same standard as hers. everything was apparently unclean or dirty, despite the fact we have a cleaner who comes once a week and I know our house is tidy.

We have two cats and a dog and she hates the cats. She pushes them out of her way and says horrible things about them being dirty or annoying. She says it’s their fault I don’t want kids and if I get rid of them maybe it’ll make me realise I want a proper baby (and not a “silly cat” that I can’t possibly love that much). She also has this idea that when she’s old she will live with us but keeps making the point that when this happens we’d have to get rid of our cats as she doesn’t like them. Obviously we’d never do that but still!

anyway, all in all I’m getting really fed up of these constant put downs and nags. I’m getting to the point where I barely want to see her and don’t enjoy being around her. I try to have a constructive conversation with her but it never goes well. I’m at my wits end with it all. she makes me doubt myself all the time and I’m just fed up!

People with this outlook on life are lonely for good reason. That is, they don't respect other people's difference in opinions and goals in life, so others stop being bothered with them. They then turn their attention to those in their life that they think they can guilt trip into being obligated to pander to their shit (like their kids).

You can start to set your own boundaries, like not letting her into your house if she's going to be critical of it and your pets. You can change the subject if she starts talking about having kids or telling her you haven't changed her mind since the last time you asked/it's none of her business etc. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Great advice.

I went through similar to you and have ended up NC with my mother.
I do feel guilt sometimes, especially hearing through other family members that she rarely leaves the house and is missing grandkids.
I find anger is a good remedy to this - how dare she talk to you like she does and still have these expectations on you? I suppose accepting guilt as a natural emotion, probably one that those of us brought up in these situations were trained to live by (!), and not making decisions based on guilt, might be something to aim for.
Good luck and it's a great step to know that her behaviours are not acceptable and not a reflection on you.

Hardly surprising she's lonely, she sounds horrible. She has trained you to thinking he happiness is your responsibility. I can assure you (as a parent myself) that it isn't. It's hers.

Play stupid games Mum, win stupid prizes.

OP, are you sure you didn’t just write about my mother? When she starts with the “by the time you change your mind it’ll be too late”, tell her you’d rather regret not having children than regret having them. You could even add “like you told me you do”

Google 'grey rock'.

If she's making you not want to be around her, don't be around her. Tell her that your weight and your reproductive choices are not up for discussion. Then, if she raises either topic, end the visit or call, and tell her why. She can then decide whether she's going to knock it off.

If it were my mum I’d be saying look on the bright side the money you might have spent on your grandchild you can put towards your care/nursing home! Every cloud mum 😬

My dad used to say some hurtful things to me and I never said anything because he’s elderly and widowed but he was a bastard to my mum and one day I just snapped told him exactly what I thought of him. We didn’t speak for a month he tried to make it all someone else’s fault but I refused to budge, eventually we did have a proper chat and he’s stopped with his comments mostly and we now get on much better. If he ever starts I just leave I can’t be arsed with it. You’ll feel much better when you’ve put some boundaries in place.

Tell your mum to mind her own business. If that fails. Distance yourself!

Just say you’ve been diagnosed as infertile and can’t have them. She’ll shut up then.

Is she actually entrenching you in this position? Fortunately my mother didn't do this but like you in my mid twenties I was very career driven, had no interest in having children, didn't coo over babies and had no maternal feelings, however in my mid thirties I started to feel like I did want a child and when I had my DD It was entirely different and was/still is a fantastic experience being a mum. Never say never and don't let her force you into not being able to change your mind, ten years is a long time. I did stop a lot of travelling for work, but by that stage in my career I could pretty much do what I liked, so could work mainly from home and at hours that suited me.

What @mondaytosunday said.

As someone living in an extended family with several major breaches in it, I personally think that NC is a huge decision with big implications and not in any way a first line response.

None of that means you have to put up with this kind of nonsense in your life. Work out what kinds of meet-ups work best between you, and set boundaries on what you will and won’t discuss. My mum had plenty of things she wouldn’t have dreamed of discussing with me, and I did eventually get her to stop commenting on my weight (wrote her a letter in the end). My ds and I have much better conversations when we go out to eat than when we’re at home.

I have to be honest I don't think any of what she's said/done is all that bad. Maybe the comments about wishing she hadn't had children but the rest are nothing worth losing sleep over.

Having a cleaner once a week in a house with 3 animals really does mean your house is not clean so I agree with her there.

You need to firmly tell her that she is upsetting you and spoiling your life with her constant one upmanship and criticism of your life, your pets and her demands for grandchildren. Be firm and clear. I’m a DGM and realised I was always, in my eyes, ‘advising’ my DCs on how to do things in an attempt to stop them making the errors in life that I did. Or even suggesting outfits that would suit them 🙄 so it could be she thoughtlessly believes she’s being helpful but let her know you’ve had enough and will see her less if she doesn’t listen to what you want.
You could also get some counselling and/ or EMDR for the traumatic event. That helped me over some childhood events I couldn’t forget.

Hello, we obviously clean in between our cleaner coming! My point was that we have it professionally cleaned each week and then keep on top of it in between so it’s not really possible for it to be as bad as she implies. We do thinks like hoovering, wiping down surfaces etc etc every day!

I totally understand what you’re saying, and whilst I appreciate I may change my mind, it’s also fine if I don’t change my mind and don’t ever want kids. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I have accepted that I don’t have to change my mind at some point, it would be fine if I didn’t

She's lonely because she is a horrible person that no-one wants to be around. Her loneliness is her own fault.

She is cruel and utterly illogical and hypocritical. She tells you that she didn't want children and that you basically ruined her life but then moans that she wants grandchildren.

I would stop seeing her at all if I were you. However, you sound like a much nicer person than me so you probably wouldn't want to do that out of a sense of obligation. You do need to massively cut down the amount of time that you spend with her and push back when she makes her catty remarks.

She’s lonely because she’s a bitch. That’s not your problem to fix. Don’t let her take you down with her.

Your poor family if you think this is an acceptable way to talk to someone

I have a very similar mother OP. I absolutely agree that stepping back and having less contact with her is easier said than done. The guilt can be absolutely crippling. You've been well trained all your life to put her first and neglect your own needs, and that's not a pattern you can break easily. You can do it though. Therapy was the way forward for me - it was hard, painful work,but the absolute best thing I've ever done for myself. These days, the guilt is there but the volume is turned way way down. I have very little contact with my parents and my life is so much more peaceful for it. It took years to get to that point though so I'm not pretending it's easy

You don't need to justify why you don't want children, to us or your mother or anyone else. I don't have children and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. So good luck to you

Absolutely right
I’d sever contact a bit and distance yourself. She sounds crazy.
In your Dad on the scene (apologies if he had passed away) and if not, does she have a partner?
I think a bit of distance might make her think about things a bit more

How often do you see her?

I mean even if you did have kids, how much would you actually want to see her? She doesn't sound like she would be the best influence!

she and my dad divorced when I was very young! She has remarried but he’s worse than her (I already have limited contact with him which is another bone of contention). I do wonder how much of her behaviour is his influence but obviously I can’t suggest that to her

Well, this is another point! My fiancé has categorically said (and I don’t think he’s wrong) that if we ever changed our minds and did have children, she would never be allowed to have them unsupervised. I wouldn’t trust her with my child at all and I already know the headaches that would come with the fact that I wouldn’t let her babysit etc etc. perhaps subconsciously that’s one of the reasons I don’t want children, as I know it would just be a constant battle!