AIBU to feel hurt my father in law's death was not acknowledged?

[Lannygranny]

There are four of us in a close friendship group. We have been friends for 30 years. My father in law died three weeks ago. One of the other friends mum died this week. A third member of our group has organised and asked for contributions to flowers to the friend whose Mum died and I have contributed. AIBU for being hurt that my loss wasn't acknowledged in the same way?

She lost her MUM !

I wouldn’t consider sending something for the loss of an IL, especially if someone on the same group just lost a parent.

Losing your mum is very different from losing your husband’s father. I’m so sorry for your loss, but it really isn’t the same.

I wouldn’t expect the same sympathy for loss of a father-in-law as for the loss of a mother, tbh. Unless there were very exceptional circumstances. I would expect an acknowledgment by text, or similar, not really a card or flowers. It’s just different. Not because of their friendship with you but because of the different role your own mother has compared to an in-law.

Please do rethink. Your friends have behaved exactly as I would expect (and pps on your thread also). They've acknowledged your dfil's death. It wouldn't occur to me to send a card or anything. It certainly isn't a reflection on your friends or how they value your friendship.

I think people presume in-laws is different, no matter how close you were. Funny how we label levels of loss eh?

I liked my FIL more than I did my own dad as a person, much kinder and no motives so I understand how they can be really important too. Probably best to adjust your expectations and know the norm in situations like this though.

I am sorry for your loss, hope you and your hubby holding up ok.

I'm sorry for your loss.
My MIL died a few years ago, I'd been with DH about 20 years at that point.
My loss, as heartbreaking as it was, was nothing in comparison to that of DH, his siblings and my kids. My friends sent supportive messages, that's all I expected.

Very few people send cards these days (I am in my sixties) and a text or other message is more usual.

They have acknowledged your loss with messages, just not with cards or flowers. I wouldn’t expect that for an in-law.

Why didn’t you say anything when they asked you for money for flowers for your friend? A simple oh I didn’t realise we were doing flowers and cards for this kind of thing as myself and husband didn’t even get a card when dfil died 3 weeks ago?!!!

Did your husbands friends send him anything?
I don’t think I would send anything for a friends in law passing unless I’d met them and they were extremely close to my friend…

so sorry for your loss xx

Surely if you’d known a couple for over 40 years , you could at least send a card.

I feel that’s very short sighted of your “friends”

YABU - they’re not comparable losses.

The sad reality is that if you are in your 50s and 60s pretty much everyone we know is caring for or experiencing the loss of their parents and inlaws. It’s a rubbish time for it. I wouldn’t expect or send flowers to everyone — and many don’t want them. Kind words is better surely

Thank you for all your thoughts and condolences. I will put this to rest now.

You've been friends for 30 years so over that period there must have been some other bereavements - are you honestly saying you sent cards every time every one of their grandparents, aunt, uncle, fathers/mothers/brothers/sisters in law, cousins and other friends died?

You're not being unreasonable. Friends should know that you're close to someone. Now obviously if you never saw him, that would be different, but friends should know better, just as if the friend who died hadn't been close to her mum/had not wanted them to talk about her passing, they should respect that too.

It’s lovely that you had such a close and loving relationship with your FIL, I’m very sorry for his recent passing.

However, you are being totally unreasonable to expect your friends to treat this bereavement at the same level as one of your own mothers. Please let it go and don’t ruin your friendships.

I like sending cards so I probably would for the death of a FIL. (Also pets and grandparents! My friend sent mum & I a rose when my nan passed and we did the same back to her when hers passed) But I wouldn’t be offended if others didn’t as I recognise that everyone has different beliefs, lived experiences and opinions.