AIBU to feel hurt my father in law's death was not acknowledged?

[Lannygranny]

There are four of us in a close friendship group. We have been friends for 30 years. My father in law died three weeks ago. One of the other friends mum died this week. A third member of our group has organised and asked for contributions to flowers to the friend whose Mum died and I have contributed. AIBU for being hurt that my loss wasn't acknowledged in the same way?

I am sorry for your loss.

Did they message and offer support?

I wouldn't send flowers for an in law in the way I would for a parent if I'm totally honest. I would offer condolences and support though.

An in law is different I didn’t get anything from my friends when my in law died apart from kind words. It was different when it was by dad

Generally, I would say losing your parent would have a bigger response from friends. Of course, if they know you are closer to an in law then that may be different. But no, I'm about to lose my dad and I wouldn't expect my husband to have cards etc sent from his friends. A simple condolences and perhaps an offer to help if they can with something to help free him so he can support me and the kids would be a nice thing to do.

Thank you. They did send messages, but they have known and been friends with my husband for 30 years too.

I’m sorry for your loss, but I think your grief is clouding your judgement here. For the vast majority of people, losing their own parent is a much, much more upsetting event than losing an in law. You will have likely known the in law for at least 18 years less for one thing, and there aren’t many that truly have a relationship with their PIL that are honestly as close as their own parents. Plus, rightly or wrongly, most women seem to be closer as adults to their mothers - so the idea that you might have been so close to a FIL that you are as upset as someone losing their mother probably wouldn’t have occurred to them.

I always thought it was generally accepted that your role would be the support for your partner who has lost their parent.

I would expect support from friends about a parent dying, but not necessarily an in-law.

In your original post you were talking about your loss, not your husband's. Are you upset they didn't recognise your loss or his?

Agree with the pp. A "sorry to hear that" message would be normal but I wouldn't give the same support for an in law as a parent, because most people arent as close with their in laws as their parents. Surely that's pretty standard?

There has to be some sort of cut off, otherwise where do you draw the line? If people are expected to send flowers or go to funerals or whatever to support their friends, then if they do it for one person's in law do they then need to do it for another's grandma or aunt or cousin?

Most people (and indeed HR bereavement policies in work etc) operate on the basis that close family members dying affects people more than those at a further remove. Of course its not a blanket rule but generally it makes sense.

Losing your mum is one of the biggest losses you will ever face for most people. A FIL, not so much for most people - a big loss for you DH of course but I wouldn’t expect my friends to be so affected by the loss of an in-law. Your role is to supporting your DH? A text/card maybe but I’d think a bit weird if they were sending flowers to you specifically.

i am upset they didn't acknowledge my loss. I have been married for 41years and he was a huge part of my life and grandfather to my children and great grandfather to my garand children. Maybe grief is clouding my judgement but these are my best friends and I thought I meant more to them. I will rethink my reaction

I would not send flowers for an in law either. I think you are being unreasonable ( but understandably no because you are grieving).

I didn't particularly want flowers. a card would have been appreciated

I am in Ireland and not one relative who I thought was close to me from the countries they live in so much as sent us a text of condolences when my stepfather died. For context we were very close and he was my childs grandfather although no by blood but in my life over 30 years. Not one cousin sent me a message. They did to my mother of course but thats it. Felt awful with no acknowledgement when I have been there for all of them through things but people are strange around deaths.

It isn’t about what you mean to them. It’s about what their FiL means to them.

It wouldn’t occur to me that you’d be struggling with personal loss so much as you might be struggling to support your husband and children.

Have you sent them flowers and cards in tha past when they’ve lost an in law?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'll be honest it wouldn't occur to me to send flowers/cards or to expect them for an in-law even though I am very close to my MIL. I'd see my role to be support my DH same as he supported me when I lost a parent.

Sorry for your loss OP.

My personal perspective is that I think it will hit me much harder when my partner's dad dies than when my mum and dad died as my children are closer to him.

Same here.
Having recently been through this, the focus is on the widow/widower, (adult) children and grandchildren. I don’t think anyone asked thought twice about the children’s partners/spouses despite decades in the family, And they were not remotely offended by this.

Sorry for your loss, OP. I wouldn’t see this as a reflection of how much your friends value you though. It honestly wouldn’t occur to me either to give a friend flowers when one of their in-laws died, whereas I would buy flowers for a friend who lost their mum. I’m not saying it’s the correct approach but I do think we generalise a bit when it comes to death and typically someone’s mother is a more significant person in their life than their father-in-law, and I think your friend’s reaction just reflects that generalisation.

I think also, rightly or wrongly, if he's old enough to be a great grandfather he's more than likely got to a great age. That’s also a different thing to someone passing away before their time. Theres no shock or suddenness, pretty much to be expected and the natural order of things. I really wouldn’t see this as any sort of negative reflection/snub of your friendship with the group.

I wouldn't expect flowers for an in-law.

For a father in law I would have expected a text or a call, I wouldn’t expect a card or flowers. For a parent, yes, absolutely. Also my closest friends met my in laws once at my wedding, they knew / know my parents much better.

I would t expect anything for an in law death

They did acknowledge it though, you just said they sent messages.

I would generally send flowers for someone who lost their mum over their FIL.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to do anything for someone who had lost an in law. When my FIL died I mentioned it in passing to my friends but didn’t make a big deal of it.

There’s a limit.

Sorry for your loss ☹️