Has therapy ruined me?

[ThatLilacReader]

Good Morning lovely people,

I was wondering if anyone has been through the same sort of thing as this and if its healthy and normal. I am going to sound rambly, so I apologise in advance

I decided last year at the ripe old age of 39 to embark on therapy. I had a horrible childhood with an abusive mother who I am no contact with. I had two kids at 17 and 19 with a man who went onto physically assault me and I had 8 years of this before I finally left. I nearly died around 5 years ago from a stress related incident.

I have always worked since my first born was 6 months old, started off in a pub and worked my way up to where I am now in a well paid office job (their dads parents are superb and babysat for me so I could work- well into them finishing primary school as well). I always had enough money to cover rent, bills and whatever was requested on birthdays and Christmas (I took some ad hoc cleaning jobs as an extra for a couple of seasons for when games consoles were requested lol), but never enough for holidays etc. We were just ok.

I am super proud of my kids and my oldest is in uni and the second is going in September, they both also have part time jobs and live at home.

I was always a massive people pleaser and I have had to admit to myself that I kept some really toxic people around me just to have people around because my family were so shit.

Four years ago I met a man who is now my husband. His personality (think calm, logical and bluntly honest coupled with therapy has completely transformed my life and it is causing carnage with my 'friends'. We have bought a house together and he goes above and beyond to provide for us (his daughter also moved in with us as she found a fantastic job nearby). The house we bought is one I can afford myself should anything happen, which was a big boundary for me that he made sure happened.

I am now as well within the last two years alot more financially better off with two of us sharing the bills and the kids contributing a tiny bit of rent and also doing their own food shopping. I am now able (as pathetic as this sounds) to stay in and do things like actually make the extravagant cakes with ingredients I couldn't afford before. I can pop to the garden centre and fill a trolley with plants and spend the afternoon in the garden with a bottle of wine doing some gardening. We are now also both in a position financially for holidays and have been away with all three kids about six times in the past three years, something which I am VERY grateful for. I have fully relaxed into this new stage of my life.

I still see friends, but I am now unavailable for constant mid week calls about how the married man they are sleeping with hasn't left his wife etc. I feel completely selfish because I was available before but now I am in this new headspace that I have been working so hard to get to and I am fully finally happy. Just for some context as well these conversations would be rants- then a how are you? If I said anything the conversation would quickly end or move back to what they were talking about.

In turn to all of this I have been told I am now changing, I am boring, I'm never about for anyone and my husband must be controlling because of all the holidays I am now going on he's trying to buy me? No, I can just afford them now we both have spare cash as the household expenses are shared. Or after sharing photos of cakes or dinners i've made replies saying who are you? You've changed. Again no I haven't, I just couldn't do it before and now I can I am enjoying it.

One friend is constantly still telling me I shouldn't have got married because she wouldn't do it again- but incessantly.

It's all driving me insane. I've been let down alot over the years but always made myself available and now I am not it's upsetting everyone.

I genuinely feel like telling everyone to piss off at the moment. I know it sounds selfish, but when my friends have married or moved or whatever I am happy for them and just move into their new phase with them. For me, it seems to be so different.

But what does any of this have to do with therapy ‘ruining you’? That’s what that poster meant.

Thanks for your advice, I would hope I don't go down this route. To be honest I have been there for so many of them and not had it back I don't really bother people with my issues. One of my friends did the text thing, where I used to reply all the time because my phone was in my hand now it takes me around an hour- for the first six months of this she was going mental at me for taking so long to reply, but for me putting my phone down of an evening has really helped my anxiety around always needing to be about immediately. Just a bit of a mental mess really lol, but it is getting better. Some of my other friends in their 40s look at me like im an alien when I say my friends expect me to text them back immediately. I still answer the phone if there's a genuine thing that someone needs but it seems more like an entitlement to my time: at work i'll say oh I have a meeting now so need to go yet my whatsapp is pinging off for the next twenty minutes anyway if that makes sense. I personally if I received that message would be like ok go! and leave it until they were ready to speak.

Boundaries aren’t for other people, they are for you. You can’t stop your friend from texting - but you can decide when you are available and turn your phone off when you aren’t. That’s your choice, you get to decide what you do. You get to choose your boundary.

I personally couldn't cope with someone expecting immediate replies. Luckily all my friends are the same, we can take days to reply to messages so we know if there are a couple of missed calls it's something important and we will respond quicker. It sounds like you've outgrown them but have some other good friends more on your wavelength.

I know what you mean OP, some people go to therapy or just learn about boundaries and suddenly think the whole universe revolves around them and their boundaries. They get arsey with anyone who doesn't fit in with what they want, forgetting that others can have boundaries too.

This isn't what you're doing. Your boundaries are normal and reasonable. You're not getting arsey with anyone who disagrees, you're just continuing to uphold your boundaries which you've got a right to do. Anyone who doesn't like it can jog on.

If most of your friends are fine with the new you, that goes to show that these others are dysfunctional in having a problem with it. Only controlling people and users resent others from having any boundaries. Only jealous people resent friends from bettering themselves and improving their lives.

Repeatedly telling you you've changed for the worse is rude and insulting, I don't advise being friends with people who do this on a regular basis. It's different if they raise something once, in conversation, because they're worried about you. This isn't what they're doing though. They're trying to bully you, to break down your boundaries so they can get what they used to be able to get from you again. That's neither respectful nor kind and you don't have to put up with it.

Can you tell us more about the therapy that you think has ruined you? Do you mean they taught you to be more confident/helped you work on your self esteem and you then underwent maasive changes in life? Is that it? Sorry I'm a bit confused.

That aside, you sound much happier, keep going as you are.

OP, sometimes you realise that the people you thought were your friends no longer are (if they ever were). That's okay. There may be an awkward transitional period, but you'll probably be happier in the long run if you let the incompatible friendships drop and focus more on the parts of your life that are working and bringing you happiness, including your family, your garden, etc.

I do think some types of therapy can bring out annoying or even harmful thought patterns in certain people, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. You're feeling better than you did in the past. You have changed, but it doesn't necessarily follow that it's a change for the worse. These friends who preferred the old you don't seem to be very happy in their own lives, so I certainly wouldn't base any choices about my own life on their opinions or advice.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like you like these couple of old friends much (no judgement, honestly), so are you perhaps just seeking confirmation that you're right to let these friendships fade? My vote is to keep doing what's working for you, including not being available for negative people who constantly try to drag you down to their level of misery.

First of all good for you!!! I’m so glad you’ve finally found yourself where you want to be in life after waiting and working so hard to get to where you are, enjoy it!!

I can absolutely understand why you currently feel such conflict. We can become bonded to people who we know aren’t good for us but because they are there. They have followed your journey and you have shared life experiences and they have seen who you were and become who you are now. I can see that it would be hard to let this go, but also feeling at the same time like that is exactly what you need to do.

What I will say is that true friends would be ecstatic for you!! They would see your changes as positive and good for you and be happy. Instead it sounds like they are mostly sad you are not who you once were, and whilst I can understand to a degree it shouldn’t be to the point it makes you feel like this.

Life is a journey and not everyone we meet will be on that journey with us the whole way. Your journey has moved on and that’s ok, you can allow yourself to continue in a different direction if that is what feels right for you. 💐

They are jealous

If you’ve done some therapy then you’ll know that some people won’t like it when you change it is textbook stuff this reaction. You’ll also know that feelings aren’t facts, just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you should. Stop interacting with them and justifying their comments by explaining. You can’t explain things to people who don’t want to understand. Sit with the feelings and they will pass.

Then ask them to stop saying this stuff or else end the friendship. Friendships do sometimes finish when somebody's lifestyle or needs change. It doesn't have to mean carnage though it can cause upset feelings.

This is completely correct. Op I think you need some more therapy or at least to do some reading about boundaries and the constant need to overrxplain or expecting people to think like you do.

Meet her for a coffee.

Tell her that you are happy enjoying this time in your life.

Tell her that you like her to let it go.

If she does - great. If she cannot? You know what to do...

For me, the joy and release of therapy was to care so much less about what others thought of me. It is not an easy habit to let go, but it is very liberating when you get there. @ThatLilacReader I hope you get there too. You can't control others thoughts, opinions or actions, only yours. Sounds like you are achieving all you want to and you are happy with yourself, hopefully letting go of giving time and energy to others opinions will follow soon.

Doesn't sound pathetic, sounds bloody great.

You are now happy and that does annoy some people. Such people are best avoided - it's an excellent first step not to be permanently available to them.

You crack on and don't let them pee on your fire.

It sounds like therapy has helped you improve your life.

If by ruined, your "friends" who aren't happy that you are exactly where you want to be in life probably see your new boundaries and having a nice life as them having less access to a willing ear whenever they wanted and someone there to indulge their chaos when they wanted. In other words, it's about them, not you and those who aren't happy for you aren't really friends.

I've seen this when someone really makes big life changes or gets sober or achieve something big. Some people want to pull you back down into a chaotic or detrimental or negative lifestyle so they have company on their road to nowhere and can't accept that things change.

Enjoy your life and don't let them bring their discontent into yours.

Your "friendships" were built on toxic dynamics of them using you and used to you being there for them, and taking advantage of you.
They want to keep you as the person you were before because it benefits them.
Now you need friends and hobby groups that reflect where you are now.

Sweetie, people who try to hold you back like this are not true friends. They feel threatened by you now in a way they didn’t before because of your success in life. Therapy hasn’t ruined you but these people will if you don’t have strong boundaries. When people start to change, the people around them start to feel uncomfortable and resist the change. Sadly it’s an ugly part of human nature. Real friends would celebrate your successes in life, not denigrate you and put you down. Sounds like you’ve outgrown them and they just aren’t your people anymore.

OP, when people tell you that you've changed, or whatever it is they say, just reply, "Thanks - yes, the therapy I've been having has been transformative and helped me to understand it's ok for me to have boundaries, to prioritise myself and my family. Thanks for noticing. By the way, look at this cake I made. Take care!'

I strongly believe there are three types of friends -
Friends for a reason
Friends for a season
Friends for life.

These people were friends for a season in your life when you were more available, enjoyed big nights out and drinking... whatever.
You've now moved into a really comfortable, content period where the booze isn't needed & the late night out are not exciting and that's okay. It's normal to change our priorities as we move through our life. You sound happy and settled in this current phase.

Not everyone is a friend for life, you can change and grow apart from these people without hard feelings and that's okay.

If they paint it as 'Lilac thinks these too good for us/Lilac got boring' it's northing more than a reflection of them being childish and unsupportive. They are no longer people who improve your life.

I hope you are proud of what you've built from the rubbish tools you were given early in life! Absolutely fantastic.

I completely understand the joy and balm of being able to make cakes for your family or picking up geraniums and planting them at home. You will never take those things for granted because they prove to you that you are now safe and have roots and a stable life.

Your friends haven't done the work you have. They still live off drama and drinking and meeting (bad) men. You can't change them but you can stick to your guns and keep being the new you. If you feel you need permission to back off from them then here it is - PERMISSION GRANTED. The drama seekers might need to end your friendship with drama, let them. You are through the storm and in the sunshine, don't let anyone spoil it for you. x

Good for you!!! Your "friends" are just jealous. Just move on with your new lovely life and ENJOY it.

Your "friends" are just jealous. Just move on with your lovely new life and ENJOY IT! Big Hugs.

Sorry I did not read it all but it sounds like your friendships are dragging you down. Why would you voluntarily spend time with people who bring nothing but negativity and don't even share your interests and passions?