Has therapy ruined me?

[ThatLilacReader]

Good Morning lovely people,

I was wondering if anyone has been through the same sort of thing as this and if its healthy and normal. I am going to sound rambly, so I apologise in advance

I decided last year at the ripe old age of 39 to embark on therapy. I had a horrible childhood with an abusive mother who I am no contact with. I had two kids at 17 and 19 with a man who went onto physically assault me and I had 8 years of this before I finally left. I nearly died around 5 years ago from a stress related incident.

I have always worked since my first born was 6 months old, started off in a pub and worked my way up to where I am now in a well paid office job (their dads parents are superb and babysat for me so I could work- well into them finishing primary school as well). I always had enough money to cover rent, bills and whatever was requested on birthdays and Christmas (I took some ad hoc cleaning jobs as an extra for a couple of seasons for when games consoles were requested lol), but never enough for holidays etc. We were just ok.

I am super proud of my kids and my oldest is in uni and the second is going in September, they both also have part time jobs and live at home.

I was always a massive people pleaser and I have had to admit to myself that I kept some really toxic people around me just to have people around because my family were so shit.

Four years ago I met a man who is now my husband. His personality (think calm, logical and bluntly honest coupled with therapy has completely transformed my life and it is causing carnage with my 'friends'. We have bought a house together and he goes above and beyond to provide for us (his daughter also moved in with us as she found a fantastic job nearby). The house we bought is one I can afford myself should anything happen, which was a big boundary for me that he made sure happened.

I am now as well within the last two years alot more financially better off with two of us sharing the bills and the kids contributing a tiny bit of rent and also doing their own food shopping. I am now able (as pathetic as this sounds) to stay in and do things like actually make the extravagant cakes with ingredients I couldn't afford before. I can pop to the garden centre and fill a trolley with plants and spend the afternoon in the garden with a bottle of wine doing some gardening. We are now also both in a position financially for holidays and have been away with all three kids about six times in the past three years, something which I am VERY grateful for. I have fully relaxed into this new stage of my life.

I still see friends, but I am now unavailable for constant mid week calls about how the married man they are sleeping with hasn't left his wife etc. I feel completely selfish because I was available before but now I am in this new headspace that I have been working so hard to get to and I am fully finally happy. Just for some context as well these conversations would be rants- then a how are you? If I said anything the conversation would quickly end or move back to what they were talking about.

In turn to all of this I have been told I am now changing, I am boring, I'm never about for anyone and my husband must be controlling because of all the holidays I am now going on he's trying to buy me? No, I can just afford them now we both have spare cash as the household expenses are shared. Or after sharing photos of cakes or dinners i've made replies saying who are you? You've changed. Again no I haven't, I just couldn't do it before and now I can I am enjoying it.

One friend is constantly still telling me I shouldn't have got married because she wouldn't do it again- but incessantly.

It's all driving me insane. I've been let down alot over the years but always made myself available and now I am not it's upsetting everyone.

I genuinely feel like telling everyone to piss off at the moment. I know it sounds selfish, but when my friends have married or moved or whatever I am happy for them and just move into their new phase with them. For me, it seems to be so different.

You obviously have a specific one or two people in mind here OP. I doubt there dozens of people hassling you and criticising you. It's great you are no longer a people pleaser and if your friends are sleeping with married men then they don't sound like good people so it's fair enough you don't spend hours listening to them.

Honestly it sounds to me like this problem rests with social media. Are you posting things and then getting comments? Like a picture of a cake you baked or holiday photos? If that's where the problem lies either block the people commenting or stop posting all these photos of your life. If it's someone criticising you to your face when you tell them what you are doing with your life then you might need to gradually withdraw from seeing them, ideally telling them why.

Yeah its two of the people I have been friends with the longest. All the others are happy for me. For example- three of them wanted to go out drinking to meet men- I said oh I'll sit this one out and see you guys another time for dinner- two of them called me boring now I am married, the other one organised a dinner with me there and then and said I get it, I wouldn't want my partner being in that situation either. We met up two days later 0 drama.

Lovely post @DorisTheFinkasaurus and so true about women's role

I don’t think therapy has ruined you - it is helping you see what you want out of life and I don’t think these friends are part of it. What matters most is how you feel about yourself on a deep/personal level and also whether you feel seen, valued and loved in your primary relationship with your partner. Flowing from that, do you look forward to the day/to work?

Once those are in place, the friendship stuff, social life, follows. It may be that having recalibrated your relationship with yourself, you need different [better] friends. A damaged person tends to attract damaged people, in my personal experience. If you are healing, you may have to let those old friends go and seek out new ones through new hobbies, things you can do with your DH.

Friendships are like a current account - you’d hope they are constantly ‘in credit’ - ie that the bring you pleasure, build your confidence - but occasionally they dip into an overdraft and draw on your inner recources. This is fine if it’s temporary, if it fluctuates back into the credit zone, but if the overdraft keeps growing, it’s time to move away. Ultimately, your friends should love, nurture and support you and help you be your best self. If they are not, then they need to go.

It's high time that you were settled and happy and you should enjoy every moment. The so-called friends are not friends. It's ok to leave them behind if they are dragging you down now, they are part of your past. To put it simply, a true friend is happy to see you happy. That's all!

I’m baffled, what you are seeking from
us here -
your title - did therapy ruin you ?
are we to comment like - yes, it did, your life is transformed which you seem really happy about - how awful
or NO - your life has transformed which you seem really happy about ??
what are you asking ?

I have a friend like that. A good and decent person in the main but self-centred when it comes to using you as a sound board and wanting to talk about themselves and their problems.

I think you just have to shrug and get on with your life really. Or quietly drop them if you’ve drifted apart to far.

I think that the OP was perfectly clear and that your posts have been quite strangely worded.

I haven’t read any of the OP’s responses to you as in the least “hostile”.

I don’t think it’s the OP who is over sensitive or misreading tone.

Do you work 24 hours a day, because I don't? People can chat during the week.

It sounds like you’re in a much better place than you used to be, as a result of working on yourself in therapy, and meeting your husband, who sounds lovely.

It sounds like your friends aren’t adding joy to your life so my advice would be to ditch them. You don’t owe them anything except basic respect. Don’t be rude, don’t fall out with them, just stop calling them.

OP It sounds like you have worked really hard to overcome a number serious challenges, raised your children well, progressed in your career, worked hard to reach financial stability and built a healthy relationship with your DH and his daughter.

On top of all that you have achieved personal goals and dreams in your spare time.

Any friend would be absolutely thrilled for you, and inspired by you.

Anyone who is not thrilled for you is sadly not a friend.

There doesn't need to be big dramatic scenes, but quietly step back from and distance yourself from anyone who doesn’t love and support you.

Not all friends are lifelong friends. Protect your peace.

The time and opportunity for you to enjoy yourself, in whatever way you want, is not pathetic OP. Maybe cakes and gardening sounds like bliss. I too thought that comment was snidely worded - ignore and enjoy! I am sorry that you have had to navigate so many challenges. Congratulations on what you've achieved.

Thank you. Yes, I know. But if someone says that their friends are calling them midweek and that they work midweek, it’s reasonable to think ‘I’m at work’ is a fair enough response? I don’t know why that’s so contentious, and I don’t intend that rudely. I’m honestly a bit lost as to why I’m being jumped at!

@MistakenFlutterby i think if you snap at someone ‘no need to be sarcastic’ to someone who isn’t being sarcastic that is a bit hostile, tbh.

I will bow out OP because evidently we’re not understanding one another very well and I really hate arguments; I don’t have the stomach for them at all. Hope all goes well!

Tbh that was what confused me as well. I had a bad night last night as DD had a nightmare then woke at 5, so I thought I’d missed a trick.

Gardening and baking are lovely things to do. Only on MN could a row erupt over cakes and plants 😅

Of course it didn’t ruin you and you know that. The issue is that your friends found something comforting in you before (for example, a bottomless pit for their rants, never saying no, dysfunctional relationships like them) and now that you are happy, settled and enforcing boundaries it makes them feel uncomfortable. You probably have changed, but it doesn’t make you boring, you just have a different idea of fun.
I felt similar when I gave up drinking - some people thought I’d changed, was boring and that I was judging them (I wasn’t). But better friends realised I was happier, more peaceful and less dysfunctional

When they say you are boring, have you tried agreeing with them? ‘Yes, you’re probably right’.

it’s hard for friends when you change. the things that you bonded over, shared, aren’t relevant any more. Your values, priorities change and you just don’t have as much in common with them.

Can you just withdraw a bit? Stop posting on sm, don’t reply to messages too quickly, just be ‘busy’ a bit more often. You’ll soon work out which friends are right for you now: the ones that cheer you on, not drag you down.

You are just simply terrible friend.
You dared to break from the long standing sucker position of yours. Did you not think twice about them when making your happy life? Who are they now supposed to look atand feel better about their lot? Who is now supposed to be there for all the offloading? Who is now their sucker? It has to be one of them who will have to drop to that position unless they find new one. Now that is worth freaking out about for them no one wants to be that.

Meanwhile you are so so selfishly enjoying your well deserved new, happy and really peaceful sounding life. Tsk tsk tsk😉

Sounds like right now you are in a fabulous place. You have a family you love, you have enough income to have holidays and additional spends.

And from your old life, when things weren't quite so rosy, it sounds like there are a couple of people who are jealous of you because of that. Which is a shame, but that is sometimes how life rolls. Take a step back from them - no need for any drama.

Suggest either joining a local gardening or baking group and make some new friends with the same interests.

So you've never had a friend call you up at 7pm crying down the phone, distraught about the same thing they're always crying down the phone about and have been for months/years, talking at you and wanting reassurance for approx 2hrs a time? You haven't gone to bed exhausted, without a bath or dinner, barely having spoken to your partner or got any chores done, on a regular basis, because you were consoling an upset friend once again?

I expect you're probably sitting there with an even more baffled look on your face wondering why anyone would put up with that. The answer is... boundaries. Specifically, growing up with toxic parents where you're brought up to have none and to tolerate others crap, not even knowing what boundaries are or that you're supposed to have some. Then you have therapy and start to get some boundaries, and all hell breaks loose in your social circle. Toxic people, who you haven't yet really recognised as toxic, starting to call you out on your "bad behaviour" of not being available (aka having some boundaries), insulting you, calling you names and making out like you're the worst person ever to exist. And because you're not fully healed yet, you find yourself wondering if they're right and whether YABU. Sound familiar? No? Then lucky you, congratulations on having halfway decent parents and on not needing therapy to overcome being a people-pleaser.

You're right, of course, it doesn't really fit in, which is why OP has stopped it.

You’ve found your peace. Protect it.

The accusation that you are “boring “ seem to have hurt you more than is good for you. You aren’t put on this earth to entertain others! They are just negging you to try to bring you back into line.

Take a look at Mel Robbins Videos or books on her Let them practice. Just ket them be them and you be you.

It sounds like you’re truly content and just want peace and to enjoy life. It’s a great place to be. These people who call themselves friends seem to be draining your enjoyment. Don’t be so available to them, explain that you’re really happy and content and don’t want drama in your life. If they can’t be happy for you, lose them. They’re not worth it.

Enjoy your gardening and cake making.

I lost ‘chaotic’ friends once my life settled down a bit. I got a lot of clarity about what I was willing to put up with in friendships and in turn was treated quite nastily because I was no longer always readily available to listen to the daily dramas that they’d created themselves and relished in. Choose peace OP. It’s a reflection on them not you.

Questionable people always want to drag others down with them.

We have very similar backgrounds and honestly I’m really proud of you. Don’t let bad friends hold you back from moving on to a better life.

I have seen people change for the worse after therapy. Some people can get so obsessed with their own boundaries and needs that they completely forget others boundaries and needs matter to. Eg. Someone was angry that their friend hadn't respected their need to have responses to their texts on the same day as they will overthink not getting one, despite that friend dealing with a bereavement. Someone complaining that their sister wasn't respecting their boundaries when she raised her voice to her, despite this person saying some nasty personal things to her sister.
It doesn't sound like this is you. But it is worth considering that there is some give and take in relationships, would you take a midweek call for someone with a genuine problem? Or would you hold that boundary firm but then be upset if no one answered your midweek call when you really needed a friend?
Given that this is just 2 specific friends, it is likely to be a them problem. Do be careful not to lose all your friends though and be left with your DH being your whole life. Does he like your friends?