To feel burnt out as a single mum and move house

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Sorry it’s long.

Single mum to two kids, 12 and 17. Widowed 9 years ago so everything has fallen to me. We were young so didn’t think of life insurance and we rented so I had nothing and had 2 kids to support so have had to work my socks off and it’s felt relentless. Had a 3 year relationship which I ended a year ago as he wanted to move in (and with his kids p/t) and I always said I wasn’t going to blend til all kids had moved out.

I feel exhausted. I want to cry all the time. I work almost full time self employed. Life is quite good, nothing specific to cry about, but I feel ground down. Work is getting harder and I’m not motivated by it. My home which I rent is too much work. It’s a period property and never feels done. There’s always a job to do and it feels like constant hard work, but it’s given me and my kids stability for 6 years and great location. A cleaner wouldn’t help and tbh I can’t justify the cost as I can stay on top of that, it’s things like then gardens, the hedges, a leak, things not working (which the landlord sorts, but being an older house it happens more frequently).

Eldest is going to university in Oct. WIBU to think about moving? Somewhere smaller and newer but still enough space for when eldest comes home in holidays. I worry about instability of renting and all the upheaval of that. genuinely think that the house is also making me feel burnt out because I can never relax here, but also worry if I’m just placing my feelings on to my home and really the problem is inside me and because of my work worries.

Any thoughts to help me think about how to feel like my life is in order and feel more content, please. Feel like I don’t trust my own decisions at the moment.

What do you think it is that is causing you not to relax in your home and will this be the same if you move? It sounds like there is lots going on not just your home.

Single parenting and working is utterly exhausting and you've been doing it a long time. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your eldest going to uni too.

@GeorgeA12 thank you. Even your reply makes me want to cry. The house is big but all the rooms are small and dark and it feels all consuming. I never come home and feel relieved to be home, all I see are jobs that need to be done. It doesn’t feel bright and happy, does that make sense. The landlord made everything grey aswell, walls, carpets, tiles, kitchen. It’s never felt like home in all the time I’ve been here. I’ve always felt ‘home’ in my other homes (although with that quiet uncertainty that comes with renting)

I also need to leave it a little while after eldest has gone to uni as don’t want them to feel adrift with them moving out and then their family home changing. Always really conscious of them feeling stability.

Im really feeling tired and overwhelmed and need some hope really.

I’m about to move from a beautiful period home to a low maintenance modern home OP for similar reasons. Hopefully this will work out well for both of us! It’s a leap of faith to some extent but I feel like I will enjoy my home more when it’s cheaper and easier to run and maintain.

I wonder if you've had time to grieve. You were widowed when your children were really young and you just had to throw yourself into work to keep everyone afloat. I wonder if that left any space for your feelings when you've been so busy and concerned with the feelings and stability of your children. Couple that with the loss of another relationship, it sounds like you've been through a lot. Sending a big virtual hug 💐

You've got loads going on, burnt out, parenting, working, daughter off to uni, home. That's an awful lot to be carrying. What helped me was writing everything down and journaling. Your not going to be this burnt out forever so are there little things you can go to help in the short term to make things a little eadier? Ie make your bedroom feel like yours for now, self care, little hobby, out for a coffee do you have any if that right now?

I would hold off making drastic decisions until your less burnt out because making a big move when your are exhausted is just going to pile more stress on you.

I feel you OP. I am widowed less than 2 years and struggle with our house - what with working and childcare and all the other things it’s hard to do anything other than the basics, so then all the big stuff builds up. It’s the first week of holidays and I’m not relaxing but getting chores done. I won’t have time otherwise. If you think moving would help you it’s worth serious consideration.

This is exactly what I’m wondering, and hoping for. Leap of faith is right because I would hate to leave here, rent somewhere else and then that landlord decides to sell up in a year

I’ve seen a counsellor twice and both times for about a year to have space for me and to process some things but I don’t think I truly have had time to grieve. Honestly I feel
like my feet haven’t touched the ground. The ending of this relationship aswell has been hard and I feel like I need to wipe the slate clean. This house also reminds me of him and I don’t now have the nicest memories of him with him keep pushing for us to live together when I had always told him I wouldn’t blend while the kids were growing up

I journal. I’m doing that now actually! And I do get bits of time in the day for me. I feel a bit lost . And this is my worry that I’m making this decision when I feel like this although I have been thinking about it for months. I’ll definitely wait til eldest is settled, but I do also feel like I need a clean slate. I don’t know. It’s hard

Hugs to you xx
It’s hard. I hope things get easier for you with time xx
That’s right, the struggle is never ending with the house and trying to just do the basics.

I'm confused op, youre worried about rent instability but are renting??

I would do it! Just move to somewhere new. Can you do an 'affordable rent' scheme with the local housing associations? You can contact them directly - that way you have far greater stability xx

Until I read that it doesn’t feel like home and you never feel relieved to be there, I was going to say stay. But… your home should be your sanctuary and let you breath a big sigh of relief and feel total relaxation when you return to it even when it’s not perfect. I’d say find somewhere smaller, lighter, easier definitely

The landlord is an investor company so isn’t planning on selling anytime soon so this house feels more secure than if I moved to say someone’s second property that they need back for family or because interest rates have gone up or something.
I haven’t heard of affordable rent scheme, I’ll look into it, thanks.

Ah I see, I get you now

Definitely have a look. Imo its not affordable but its rent at 80% market rate, and its far more stable

All the best xx

Thanks. It doesn’t feel like home at all. It feels like a burden. But my kids do like it here. I’ve gently spoken to them about moving and they’re not keen but I’m really unhappy. I’ve always put them first and now I feel like I need to do this to help me swim rather than sink.

You would NBU but please don’t take a room from your child just yet. Give it a year at least.

Maybe move to a 3 bed but with a smaller garden.

The eldest would have a room, it just wouldn’t be a big cumbersome period property. Yes I would wait for a while so eldest doesn’t feel too much change at once

Does the investor company have any other properties that might suit?

You sound like wonderwoman. If you are crying all the time it might be worth you talking to your GP. When people get depressed/burned out/ overwhelmed one of the things that can get lost is the ability to make decisions and change things. It might be that a little bit of meds would just give you that little bit of capacity back to make a decision you feel confident in. The other reason I mention this is because very specifically, when I became depressed/burned out I decided I hated our house and moving was absolutely necessary. Once I got my MH symptoms under control, that need just evaporated and we are still here a decade later. Sometimes I think an unhappy brain casts around for something to blame and in my case I got it wrong. Work was a big part of it, I think, but that was harder for me to admit and to change. Of course this is just me and you may just be right that the house is the problem. But antidepressants I think helped me work my way through a similar ish feeling.

Normally I should say first year going off to uni is not the ideal time to move. They're not really moved out, halls are not a home. It's weird because from your point of view, they are not there, but from theirs, home is still very much home. But you need to weigh that against everything else. If the current house is too much for you, it's too much.

Other thoughts, could you do less of the maintenance and push it back harder to the management company? The main upsides of renting are not being responsible for much of the upkeep and the ability to move more easily, neither of which you seem to be getting.

You sound pretty amazing. You should be so proud of all you've achieved. You just need to find a way back to a happier place now.

The eldest might not like uni, and leave. They hate losing their room . I’d leave it a year if I were able. I’m speaking from experience as my dc did care about their room at home, but your dc may not care.

Thank you. They don’t have any other properties round here and I want to stay in this area. I don’t come from a big family, and none local, but we do have a good community.
I wonder this too about being low level depressed, but I also think I am just so burnt out and need a break and a change. Work is tough but I can’t change that right now but is something I could work towards but again feeling like I do, my motivation is on the floor and I feel like getting through the day is an achievement. I can’t take antidepressants as they interact with another medication I’m taking and it’s one of the reasons I did therapy for those years instead.
The landlord is very good and deals with anything that’s their responsibly quickly, but they’re not responsible for the gardens and the things they do need to deal with are so frequent because of it being an old property and I find it draining to wake up and the next problem is here which means I have to wait in for the day for trades to come and fix it. Yet again.

I say start making plans, looking at places, acting as if it’s happening and see what comes up and how it makes you feel.

You sound like an amazing woman with your head screwed on. Whats the worst that can happen? You regret the decision? The new place doesn’t make you any happier? So, you fix that when (if) it happens!

You might be tired and burnt out (understandably so), but you are clearly also highly capable and make good decisions (well done on not allowing your ex and his kids to move in!)).

You absolutely 100% deserve a bit of peace and comfort.

You say you can't justify a cleaner, but how about a gardener?

I had a guy just come and mow my grass/do the hedges every couple of weeks (not the hedges, that was a couple of times a year) for 120/month and it was worth every penny for me to not have to think about it.

Thinking to the houses I've previously rented, my favourites were the ones where they'd included a gardener so I didn't have it looming over me to do the moment there was a sunny day.

Have you had your bloods done? I nearly went over the line last year (nearly fainted in a carpark and realised I had to do something), and it turned out I had stupidly low iron. Since getting that back on track I'm coping much better, although still struggling with motivation. I'm literally just back from the doc with a scrip for oestrogen in my grubby little paws on the assumption it's peri-menopause and HRT is worth a try. These things creep up on you, so it's worth checking.

Taking in all your comments and advice. I’m so glad I posted, you’ve all helped to unscramble my brain