To think this group of men had no right to touch women/ but did I overreact. Trigger warning- assault

[Seaglasscat]

I was at finals day for the cricket 20-20 blast yesterday. Went with DH and DS. Up until just before the final we were having a fab day. Lots of people dressed up and in high spirits, some acting daft but not over the top. DS managed to catch a T shirt that was thrown into the crowd, so we were all happy.

before the finaL I went to go to the toilet and was at the end of the queue stood with 2 others ladies. Suddenly I feel my both my sides being grabbed and squeezed. Turned round to see a group of man dressed up (they also did this to the other 2 women). The men then blew whistles straight into our faces so close I got a pain in my ear.

having been sexual assaulted in the past I felt completely awful and screamed at them to fuck off. The men just laughed and told me to lighten up, the other 2 women looked at me like I was completely overreacting. Then a women told me to shut up swearing as their are kids around.

I walked off quickly with the men still laughing at me and tried to find a steward who went over and had a word but the men just laughed and then went back to their stand.

I rang DH who came from his seat to find me, I was shaking, he offered to go and find them and have a word but I said no as I did not want any retaliation. He had a word with another steward who said he had logged the incident but did not seem that bothered. DH wanted us to go back to the hotel but I didn’t want to ruin DS day and I didn’t want the arseholes to scare me off. After that Everytime I got up out of my seat to go to the loo or for a drink he came with me. He even bobbed to the shop and bought me a cricket top I was eyeing up to try and make me feel better. He for one for DS as well who was so made up he now had 2 tops.

first of all did I overreact

second should I get back in touch with the cricket ground re incident.

why do some men do this. Why do thick they can just touch women like that.

just want to say if anyone else was there yesterday it was not the group dressed as lifeguards who had whistles or the guys dressed as police officers. I couldn’t not even tell what costume this men had one it was a combination of weird stuff.

something else that annoyed me a bit was when they were throwing t shirts out into the crowd a group of men to the side of us caught 6 t shirts between 3 of them. The people throwing them were trying to throw to kids (most of the t shirts were size small so most adults would not get in them. These men literally lend over 3 kids in front to catch the tshirts before they did. Even snatching one out of one of the kids hands. I think the adults with them had gone for food.

They then stuffed them in a bag and were talking about putting them on eBay. Yet the group of men in front of us caught a load then gave them to kids around them, they asked DS who said he already had one. Luckily the second time they came round during the final DS caught 2 and DH caught one and DS asked if could go over and give them to those kids as he already had one. Was really proud of him and the kids were so chuffed. The men who caught the first lot looked at us really angry like we were showing them up or something.

anyway I did not enjoy the final as I felt very panicky and felt sick. Also my ear was killing me. It is still killing me and keeps crackling so I am off to the docs tomorrow.

No you didn’t over-react. They manhandled you without your permission. My DH would have thrown hands.

You did not over-react at all. I too have been SA and would feel exactly as you do. No one has the right to touch you without your permission.
I wouldn’t let it drop and would be e mailing the organisers of the event, even though nothing will probably come of it. They need to know how their steward responded to your complaint
as a minimum. I think you deserve an apology.

I would follow up. In my experience of doing a lot of Rugby at Twickenham the stewards are crap when anything happens. You can also report it as assault to the head of security there, open a police case to see if they have CCTV. Awful I’m so sorry!

I'm sorry this happened to you. I had a drunk man grab my breasts at a cricket match when I was 15 (over 30 years ago) and I've never forgotten it. I had hoped this sort of behaviour had stopped, but clearly not.

You didn't over react. Your post conveys a lot of tension and raw feeling. It really communicates how you felt in that moment, and how it retraumatised you following your earlier incident of sexual abuse.

I'm glad you reported it. If there are contact details available a follow-up letter might be of some value -- but only do this if it is not increasing your distress to do so.

You had every right to react the way you did.
No man is entitled to your body.

Of course you didn’t over react. It was sexual assault. As for the woman who told you to stop swearing… good grief. Another good reason for women to not have kids, if their delicate ears are worth so much more than our entire lives! Would she have told a woman being beaten up raped to not swear in front of her kids’ delicate ears?? Some of those kids will grow up to be women you know… The only excuse there is that she didn’t actually know what happened.

Id be tempted to report to police and to the organisers, would there be any CCTV around?

You are not being unreasonable, you didn’t overreact. No one should touch you without your permission.

Definitely report it to the cricket ground again (via email/some form of writing).

You did not overreact, what awful men. I would contact the cricket ground again and ask for an update on what happened after you informed a steward. Staff may well need additional training on how to manage that sort of situation apart from anything else.
Your DH sounds lovely btw. It can be so easy to find yourself feeling low about men in general so it’s good to see that DH (and DS) are models of how men should behave.

You didn’t over-react because you are entitled to feel how you feel, and based on your history of SA then it’s completely understandable you would be so upset at being touched without your consent.

Personally, being grabbed around my waist in this kind of environment/scenario wouldn’t bother me (the whistle thing would though), but I’m quite a touchy-feely person myself and neither have I ever been SA so my perspective is completely different, so how I would react is irrelevant to your reaction. Don’t question yourself.

I’m sorry it took away some of the enjoyment of your day but I’m glad you had the support of your husband.

I am disgusted that this happened to you. It’s an absolute horror that they did this as a group and that they SA’d multiple women. I would report to the police. This cannot be acceptable - otherwise where is the boundary for a police report.

A group sexual assault of multiple women occurred. You would not have been the first or last that they will do this to.

That's appalling and I think you should report it to the police. If it was just the hands on your waist thing then maybe I could let it go but you're suffering consequences from the stupid whistle blowing. They should be made to answer for it.

I have hit people who touch me unexpectedly.

(issues from teenage years).

you did not over react.

they sound vile.

Of course you didn’t ‘overreact’. You reacted, instinctively and completely understandably.
Sorry these men were such shits, and that the women near you didn’t back you up.

I was once standing at a bar waiting to be served, an unknown man came up behind me and put his arms round me, I shouted very loudly, get your hands off me. The bar maid and the pub manageress looked at me as though I was the transgressor, and the manageress joined the bloke for a lovely chat.

You didn't over-react. You have every right to your own body and NOBODY has the right to touch you without consent, especially a bloody stranger!!

Personally I would follow up. The cricket venue might have CCTV and have these mens faces.
Men like that need to realise they have absolutely NO RIGHT to grab and intimidate women: they have no idea of your history and the fact you mentioned previous s.a shows how triggering this was for you.

But your DH sounds like an absolute keeper!

You are NOT overthinking it.

I just wanted to say that I think things are changing, albeit not at the cricket yet it seems.

I attended an open air concert a couple of weeks ago with a friend and her teenage daughter. They noticed a couple of men ogling and constantly trying to dance up close to teenage girls, told a steward about it and he actually took it seriously. Having been through our teenage years in the 1990s when nobody would have cared less, we were quite impressed.

They did it to an unaccompanied woman, of course.

You didn’t over react by telling them to fuck off but you did over react by carrying it on.

Obviously the reaction of the other people was quite telling, especially as the majority of them were women.

None of us know how we’re going to act when we’re faced with something that reminds us of our trauma and so you did nothing wrong but I’m not sure what complaining now is going to do?

I understand you want to gain some control over the situation but what do you think is going to happen if you report it?
By all means report it if you think it will help but my concern would be that nothing comes from it and it makes you feel worse?

I think you should feel proud that you stood up for yourself and told them to fuck off and that will make them think twice about doing it in the future.

Awful. A lot of women get drenched in the culture, sometimes necessarily to retain jobs. Same reason women doctors can also be misogynistic.

TBH I would probably have slapped him.

If you said you'd turned round and punched him in the dick I wouldn't think you'd have over reacted tbh. They sound absolutely disgusting and I wonder what their wives/ girlfriends would think if they knew they were behaving this way on their day out. Gross.

Really they should be banned from coming back to the venue and behaving in this way ruining the event for others. But if they were in fancy dress would they be able to ID them?

Yes you should complain and ask for their procedure on how they follow up when an SA event is reported to them and whether they followed it and if not what they will do to ensure it's followed in future?

Sorry your day was soured by these complete knobs.

“Im not sure what complaining now is going to do”

She would not be ‘complaining’ - she would be reporting multiple crimes of
sexual assault by a gang of predatory men who planned this in advance.

When do you think it reaches this threshold - as obviously your opinion (thankfully) differs from legislation - is it only on penetration?

How do you know what the other victims felt and that the OPs response was OTT? Do you know that there are a range of involuntary body trauma responses on attack including freeze and flop along with fight or flight. How do you know that these other females are not traumatised by this assault?

That’s absolutely terrible and appalling behaviour from these men. You are not BU all. Please take this further and maybe make posts on English Rugby social media and twickenham. I’m so sorry you were supported by the stewards there. Totally unacceptable. Look after yourself x

Yanbu. At all. This is assault. I hope you do get some support some where. It shouldn’t have happened and yet it did. Its behaviour which should have been stamped out long ago but sadly seems to be more and more prevalent amongst entitled men.
Good for you in standing up for yourself and calling them out on their behaviour rather than just accepting it.