AIBU to have rekindled things with ex husband behind our children/family’s backs ?

[ThisAquaCritic]

I need some perspective because the guilt is starting to eat me alive.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 4 years. We have two boys (14 and 11). The divorce itself was incredibly amicable we split everything 50/50 without any arguments, I kept the marital home, and he eventually bought his own place. Honestly, our parenting and our general relationship improved massively after we split. We realised we had just run our course and were making each other miserable with constant arguing never in agreement with one another, always wanting to one up eachother but we managed to remain good friends.

Fast forward to last September. The boys were staying at his house and had gone to sleep. He called me at about 11pm and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a film it was "our" favourite film, and he said he was feeling nostalgic. I went over, one drink led to another and we ended up having sex. I snuck out before the kids woke up. We discussed it and said oh it was just one time thing and joked ‘for old times sake’

Since September, this has become a regular thing. Almost every week, we’ve been sneaking around, sleeping together, and even going on secret "dates" when the kids are occupied or at my parents or his parents, or parties just any excuse for us to see eachother.

The turning point happened recently: he told me he loves me and that he never actually stopped loving me.

Now I am panicking. The kids know we are friends, but they have no idea about this. I feel incredibly guilty and like this is deeply unfair to them if it all goes wrong again if we chose to rekindle which wouod just confuse them. We divorced for a reason we used to argue constantly and it felt totally broken. I have no idea how to navigate this or if I'm being completely unfair to our boys by entertaining this.

At Easter we took the boys on holiday, we didn’t share a room because we didn’t want to confuse our children but most nights we did spend together anyway. He will be taking the boys on holiday just him but he wants me to join even tho everything is already been booked I can join later etc but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m not sure any of this is. We are already sneaking around.

I have said to him we can wait 7 years till our youngest goes to university/reaches adulthood. It’ll be less complicated for our children for us to try again if they’re adults or so I think.

AIBU for letting this carry on, or is there a chance we could make it work or would it be too complicated ? I feel like a bad mother at the moment. Maybe we shouldn’t have divorced. I’ve been on dates here and there but nothing compares.

Why do you feel guilty? Would it be better if you had a fresh start with a new man/stayed single?
Would you still argue? Could you give it a go privately and do couples therapy?

We realised we had just run our course and were making each other miserable with constant arguing never in agreement with one another, always wanting to one up eachother

That’s what needs unpicking. Relationship counselling?

I think it’s because it’s behind our children’s backs they’ve come to terms with the fact that their partners don’t live together and aren’t together but that’s okay they’ve adjusted really well to the routine.

Do you still love him? Do you want to get back together?

Leopards don’t change their spots!
Whatever there was going wrong leading to divorce may well rear its ugly head again.

At present whatever you are doing together is your business. Keep it discreet on a “needs to know basis.” If you holiday together and share a bed the children will pick up the vibe. They might not be too phased?

Dont move in together again. Keep your respective homes apart. Enjoy each other’s company until you don’t.

Go carefully into the future. You dont want to be hurt again do you?

Have therapy. On your own. This is exciting, illicit. If he moved back in all the old resentments would surface.

I don't think you're a bad mum at all, and I actually think this is quite lovely. You've done the thing that every married couple wants to do when they hit a rut - you've rediscovered what you loved about each other in the first place. It's just unfortunate that your rut included a divorce!

I do think you're right to be cautious, because your kids will inevitably be scared that this will happen again if you were to get back together, and uncertainty is a difficult thing to live with. I think PP's suggestion of counselling is a really good one in this case. The issues you had are dormant, not gone, and you should come up with a real plan so that they don't rear up again.

Good luck! And I'm happy for you that you've fallen back in love with your husband, how amazing 🤩

My parents are back together after a divorce and nearly a decade apart. It’s very weird but seems to be working well. So there is possibility there but I agree counselling - you and both of you - would be really helpful before moving forward

I do still love him and would love to get back together I also do not want to confuse our kids

Is it the excitement that’s keeping it going though? You are currently both enjoying a clandestine relationship with none of the day to day/humdrum stuff affecting it. Add to that the comfort of also knowing each other well so you’ve got no hang ups/it’s relaxed, it’s a heady cocktail!

If you got together properly that excitement would disappear and you could quickly be back to arguing about who last unloaded the dishwasher.

Remember the reasons you got divorced. If couples therapy would help in mending your relationship then go for it. But don’t be disappointed if you get back together and the reasons why you divorced crop up again.

Do your kids need to know? Can’t you just explore this at your own pace and not tell them you’re having sex again? You can still kind of date each other, and also at least sometimes have the family time together. This is what I would do until I was more certain it can work out long term - and had some counseling! Also, if you two work better living separately, why not just do that. You don’t ever need to go back to the exact same arrangement you had before and which lead to your divorce.

I can’t be 100% sure. I’d like to at least try maybe counselling together first. We never tried counselling at the time and I regret not trying.

It works because you can leave him at the door. You need to remind yourself why you split up. My advice would be to have marriage counselling and take it from there address what and why the problems occurred before. Not until then would I even entertain telling my kids they’ve been hurt already. Good luck OP

I think you just need to be very honest with the your children.

We’re going to give it another shot because we have feelings for each other, but we can’t guarantee what the future holds. Were taking it easy and just want to be boyfriend and girlfriend for a while kids.

I can totally understand how you feel and it’s good you’re considering your kids. It’s ok to explore this again, if it works, your kids will benefit greatly.

You don’t have to repeat your previous marriage OP. You don’t have to live together, you don’t have to get back into the same patterns. Maybe you can do things differently with some insight from counselling.

This is what I was going to say. You both have separate homes, you can keep it that way. You don't have to jump back into living together and being a married couple.

You don't have to tell your children you are having sex again. They really won't want to know. I can't see that oare doing anything wrong. Keep going and see how you feel in a while.

We want to try counselling. Personally if things work out I’d like for us to live together again but that’s after our children are 18+ I have missed him a lot. Our previous marriage was quite toxic in terms of us both being stubborn so I’m worried but he says he did go to counselling when we officially divorced as he just needed someone to talk to which helped him navigate his feelings. I was too stubborn to do that.

I don’t plan to tell my children that we are sleeping together sorry that wasn’t what I meant

Keep doing what your doing. It's working, everyone's happy. DC won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. You avoid the extra pressure from other people knowing and having to live together and deal with the everyday mundane and stress that makes relationships hard work. It sounds ideal.

See now to me this is an opportunity.

You could continue what you're doing without living together. You could even get it out in the open (although I suspect it would take some of the fun away!).

I reckon you have the perfect situation - getting all the fun with none of the boring (relationship killer) day to day stuff.

If either you or him got a new partner, that would also be hard on them too. You love each other, I say go for it, just keep the separate houses, so it isn't too disruptive if you do break up.

It sounds like you’re enjoying your own space still. I doubt it’d be the same if you lived together again. Why not just rekindle the relationship but keep separate houses? No need for a big drastic announcement, just see how it goes.

Personally I wouldn’t do couples therapy and dredge up old wounds if you’re in a good place now - I’d only only do couples therapy before moving back in together.

Then don’t be stubborn this time. People can change.