AIBU to have rekindled things with ex husband behind our children/family’s backs ?

[ThisAquaCritic]

I need some perspective because the guilt is starting to eat me alive.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 4 years. We have two boys (14 and 11). The divorce itself was incredibly amicable we split everything 50/50 without any arguments, I kept the marital home, and he eventually bought his own place. Honestly, our parenting and our general relationship improved massively after we split. We realised we had just run our course and were making each other miserable with constant arguing never in agreement with one another, always wanting to one up eachother but we managed to remain good friends.

Fast forward to last September. The boys were staying at his house and had gone to sleep. He called me at about 11pm and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a film it was "our" favourite film, and he said he was feeling nostalgic. I went over, one drink led to another and we ended up having sex. I snuck out before the kids woke up. We discussed it and said oh it was just one time thing and joked ‘for old times sake’

Since September, this has become a regular thing. Almost every week, we’ve been sneaking around, sleeping together, and even going on secret "dates" when the kids are occupied or at my parents or his parents, or parties just any excuse for us to see eachother.

The turning point happened recently: he told me he loves me and that he never actually stopped loving me.

Now I am panicking. The kids know we are friends, but they have no idea about this. I feel incredibly guilty and like this is deeply unfair to them if it all goes wrong again if we chose to rekindle which wouod just confuse them. We divorced for a reason we used to argue constantly and it felt totally broken. I have no idea how to navigate this or if I'm being completely unfair to our boys by entertaining this.

At Easter we took the boys on holiday, we didn’t share a room because we didn’t want to confuse our children but most nights we did spend together anyway. He will be taking the boys on holiday just him but he wants me to join even tho everything is already been booked I can join later etc but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m not sure any of this is. We are already sneaking around.

I have said to him we can wait 7 years till our youngest goes to university/reaches adulthood. It’ll be less complicated for our children for us to try again if they’re adults or so I think.

AIBU for letting this carry on, or is there a chance we could make it work or would it be too complicated ? I feel like a bad mother at the moment. Maybe we shouldn’t have divorced. I’ve been on dates here and there but nothing compares.

I think honesty is the best policy. Your kids aren’t tiny, they’re old enough to understand a conversation that goes along the lines of ‘mum and dad still love each other, and we want to try getting back together. We will still have our own houses for now so not much will change for you two, but it means we can spend more time together as a family and see how it works out’. And really try, like REALLY try to make it work, both of you, with professional help from a counsellor. I’d imagine your kids will be over the moon. And if it does all go tits up then their lives haven’t changed massively again, as long as you keep your same living arrangements.

Can’t you guys just date again, nobody needs to know until you work out whether you are still compatible. Go to counselling at the same time, live separately, but date.

re-evaluate in 6 months before making a big decision, then see how it looks then. If it works then perfect, if it doesn’t then no harm no foul.

To add to that, it would be much better for them to have you be honest with them than them catch you out or be picking up on vibes which are confusing them.

Well, can't you have a relationship without moving in together. It keeps things fresh and edgy. I understand your concerns and that's how I would play it. Tell the kids you're just enjoying being together sometimes. They're more resilient than you realise.and you've had a good relationship, throughout. I think there's love there.

There was a period where my mum started getting interested in my dad again - but after an extremely nasty breakup and 11 years apart. My mum was very fickle, though and she'd already broken his heart once. So I got very scared. Sure enough, she met someone else and soon kicked him to the kerb! Lucky break, I believe!

I toyed with this with XH for awhile.

In my case, I realise with hindsight that he's utterly vile and it was a bit of Stockholm Syndrome and fear of being alone on my part.

It's so risky to involve your children in an attempted reconciliation. Especially when they're settled and you don't seem to have really got to the bottom of why you broke up in the first place and - most importantly - how things would be different second time around.

I think you're right to back right off and wait until the kids are 18. I ended up doing exactly the same thing and didn't have to wait long before XH showed his true colours and reminded me why he's an ex. I was finally able to break free properly and get on with my life (which is better in every possible way).

I agree with others, carry on living separately and dating, and consider getting some counselling to help you avoid repeating former negative patterns.

There's nothing to feel guilty about as your children don't know and won't find out unless you choose to tell them, your body is your own to do with as you choose.

Get into relationship counselling with your ex quick smart and figure out if you actually do want to be with him, or end it completely and just be exes.

Waiting 7 years is nonsensical and horribly unfair to him. Also, he won't wait 7 years, obviously, he'll find another relationship instead.

Yep, this is good advice.

Well, you can't hide it forever. Imagine if your kids found out accidentally? And at the ages they are, that's more and more likely to happen as time goes on. They might feel betrayed, and as though they can't trust either of you.

I agree with pp - couples' counselling seems like a good idea. If you really want to try again, then stop seeing each other secretly, and go to a few sessions of couples' counselling instead. Before trying to be together, you need to find out if you're just going to end up in the same place as before. At the moment you have no real expectations, responsibilities, or demands on each other - the dynamic is entirely different. That will change if you're officially in a relationship, and old problems will likely resurface, even if you're living apart.

If, after couples' counselling, you still want to go ahead, then as you already have houses set up, and living apart while being romantically involved seems to work, then why not just be together openly, while living separately? It's unconventional, but your children are at an age where they should be able to understand and happily accept that mum and dad are together again, but get along best with their own space.

Try couple’s and individual therapy. You said marriage was toxic because of stubbornness leading to arguments. I think you both can learn ways to deal with that, it could lead to a fulfilling relationship so try therapy.

I’d worry about how your DCs would cope if you got back together and then you split up again. Or if you started squabbling again, don’t underestimate how upsetting it is for kids to be aware parents are arguing.

Perhaps “together apart” works for you? I know one couple who did split up then get back together after a couple of years, but he’d taken a job based in another city, so he stays in the other city 3/4 nights a week then comes home for weekends, this two home life seems to work really well for them. (Not sure how well retirement will work!)