AIBU to ask my mum to help with childcare visits?

[Muuyt75]

Just looking for an outsider perspective.

My mum is staying with me this week. She lives 3-4hrs away. I was working 1.5 days during the week and my nanny is on holiday so I asked if my mum could come and look after my children for those 1.5days. I have 2 toddlers (3 and 1), the eldest of whom has ASD (funnily enough the easier of the two at the moment!). I am a single parent. My mum agreed and has always been happy to see the kids. I pay for her train and she has her own room here. We would also go out with the kids and I would cover the cost of outings/meals etc. I am not putting her out financially (she is a retired 66yo), but equally I am not able to pay her for coming here (for reference I was supporting my mum financially for years before I had kids).

Anyway, I worked 1.5days this week. On those days I would take an Uber to work to allow me to stay at home with the kids for as long as possible. I'd have any meals for them ready before I leave, and check in with my mum numerous times during the day. On the other days, I did not expect my mum help with the kids, although she changed the odd nappy. Also I continued to do all housework and cooked for us every day (even on the days I was working).

We have had this arrangement since Nov, with her staying for up to a week 4 times since then, whenever my nanny is away (she's come in Nov, Dec, May and now July). It seemed to work well. This visit however, my mum seems really disengaged with me and the kids, and quite put out. She's been really short with me, spending most of her time in her room on her iPad or with earphones in. I'm just wondering if I'm expecting too much from her? I genuinely thought she enjoyed visiting, and try to arrange outings and create memories with the kids (she often sends photos of her and the kids to family members).

Am I being unfair in what I am asking of her? If we stopped this arrangement I'd struggle a lot with childcare, but do not want to burden my mum unreasonably.

Thanks if you read this far!

Maybe sit down with her and have an open honest conversation

Obviously you need to talk to her about it. This would be absolutely nothing to some and too much for others, there’s no wrong or right answer

Maybe she's starting to find looking after two small children a bit much. I'm not sure I'd want to look after two small toddlers at her age.

A week every couple of months does feel like a lot. No matter how well you get on, overexposure can be suffocating. I understand you want to balance the childcare time with together time, but maybe she would be more comfortable just coming up for a few days (if feasible with distance).

If she seemed happy enough before and nothing has changed in terms of the arrangement, you're just going to have to ask her if everything's ok.

Perhaps she is finding being with you all for a week at a time is too much, even if she is only in sole charge of the kids for 1.5 days. My MIL is quite a bit older than your mum, but she can't cope with 2 young DC on her own any more and even with us there she finds them a bit much after about 2-3 days!

When you ask her; dont do it from a selfish perspective, do it from her perspective.

Hows everything going, ive noticed you seem a bit distant and withdrawn, choosing to spend time alone, is everything ok, how are you feeling?

Not why aren't you talking to me, youre not spending time with the kids, all you ever do is go up to your room alone, we never see you, the kids want to sepnd time with you.

Can you see how youd feel receiving each of those statements? the 2nd would have your back up, youd be defensive, youd be closed off. Dont put anything accusatory in there or negative.

I think it’s probably getting to much for her, i would look for another nanny.

Her feelings might be completely unrelated to you and the kids. Is she dating/in a relationship? Maybe she’s having issues, maybe she’s down about other aspects of her life, either way just ask her how she’s doing and take it from there.

“Do you still want to come & help me Mum ? It feels like you are upset.
if its too much, I understand.”

Do you only invite her when you need help?
What do you do with your holiday?

Of course you're asking to much, this is YOUR child, not hers 😳

I'd be looking for another nanny and buying a car, to save on the cost of Ubers.

I never asked for advice re the Ubers.

Why can't you just ask her?

I'd be tempted to say that next time, you've arranged alternative help/nanny etc and she what she says. If she says 'Oh what a shame, I LOVE looking after them they'd no trouble' or 'Oh that is good. It has been getting a bit much lately' then you know where you stand.

I think you just need to ask her. If it's just this time she's been like this then maybe she's just feeling under the weather or has something on her mind. Either way you should both be grown up enough to have a clear conversation about it.

Well you got it 🤷‍♂️

It’s possible it’s getting too much for her? Just ask her.

Sit down, tell her you love her and ask her. As another poster said it may have nothing to do with the childcare and another part of her life that's difficult.

Are you only working 1.5 days in total or are you WFH while the kids are at home the other days?

Do you only ever ask to see your mum when you need help?

You definitely need to ask her. If it is too much, could you take your annual leave when your nanny takes hers? Or ask your nanny if she has any nanny friends she could recommend to cover, or maybe look at an agency nanny, even with your mum there so they have someone familiar present. I don’t see any point in changing nanny’s as a new nanny will still need annual leave.

It could even be financial troubles that your mum is struggling with, if you were financially supporting her up until you had DC3. Now she’s retired she probably has less money.

Definitely needs a conversation with her as she's the only one who can tell you if your expectations are more than she wants to give.

Something I don't think was referenced in the OP is whether these trips for childcare are the only times that she sees you and the kids? For me this would be relevant as if so I wonder if she might feel your relationship with her is becoming a bit transactional?

Maybe the weather is making her hot and bothered. Or 101 other possibilities. Unfortunately you are going to have to ask her but it's a good conversation to have anyway, to make sure the arrangement is working for both of you. She will thank you for thinking of her.

Perhaps she is tired and does not want to admit it to you or even herself.
Its a shock to discover that as we get older that we do start to slow down a bit.

I look youthful for my age and act younger than my years, but I do find looking after small children for long periods shattering these days.

I don’t think my family have realised this and I am still engaged in regular childcare and I can’t seem to wriggle out of it. I’m a bit ashamed to admit to them that it’s all getting a bit much.

I hope you can sort things out with your mum.

Get a nanny or ask the dad to help out more, i know you say your a single mum, but he is also a dad and need to step up to doing his half the job.
Sounds like shes just slowed down now at 66 i would not want to look after any kids tbh.
Her time his her time now, your kids are your responsibility.