I have to ask for permission to live my life while he does what he wants.

[Summerchild12]

Today I have felt quite low. I feel like everyone is living their lives while I’m on the sidelines. What triggered me today is my child’s dad agreed to have our little one. I booked my nail appointment 2 weeks in advance, I told him and gave him multiple reminders. The time comes and he’s made plans and not told me. This upset me so much because not only do I have to ask him just to do things for myself he has the free will to cancel and do what he wants. I then go well if you can’t have LO now please take her a bit later. He then lets me know how he’s got a last minute trip planned to London after the plans he made during my time.

I already feel lonely as I find it hard to socialise and do things, as I got a 100 things to do. But he can live his life, doesn’t have to inform me or plan but I have to ask sometimes beg him or someone just to have time to do something for myself.

Has anyone got advice on how I can live life a bit more and not feel like I’m always asking for permission to live life.

I'm not sure if you're in a relationship with your child's dad or not, as that would change advice.

Is he someone you could have a proper conversation with? Is it stupidity, ignorance or malice?

Are you still together? If so, then leave. He's a shit partner.

If not, tell him that the next time he arranges to have your child and then makes other plans and dumps them on you will be the last. That he will not have access to them unless he goes to court and gets it set in stone because you are not having them messed about by him.

We are separated. We don’t have hate towards eachother but he does whatever he wants while I have to be a parent and provider

Yes. And most likely it won't change. Sorry.

Some people suggest going through the courts to get official time or days organized to spend with each parent.
Is this possible to organize for the future

Ask him why he does not want to spend time with their child ?

Same here
Dc prefers me. Not a surprise really is it. Ex is a sad little man much like yours.

Sadly this is all too common and unless it’s court ordered it isn’t going to change op. Don’t rely on him for anything. Ask family and friends instead then at least you won’t feel let down and depressed when he inevitably lets you down.

Well you need official days when he has the child. You need to be firm on this.

I’ve tried to make consistency and fairness. I’ve made a calendar and said when ever we have plans we add it in there. He doesn’t use it. Makes plans with his mates during the time he should be having time with LO. I’m so fed up, I feel like I can’t live my life outside of being a parent

You say you don’t hate towards each other, but I bet his behaviour is rooted in him wanting to mess up your plans. That’s why he does it, it’s not some kind of forgetfulness.
What is your family/friend support like? Are the times he ‘says’ he’ll look after her, the only childfree time you have? Any potential nursery/childcare times?

Find a reliable and trustworthy babysitter. Consider long term your relationship with your dc will be the most stable one they have . Make sure you are claiming cms.

Nursery child care is all used for me to work. Family no one helps except my mum and that’s hard as she works and wants her free time. This is basically why I feel lol I’m begging people for help

Stop wishing he’d be more considerate and try accept he’s a selfish individual who doesn’t give a shit about spending time with his child. There are thousands of men just like this. My exh was one of them. He had our kids for 5 hours a week and even then left his mother babysitting them during that time. You simply can’t make them care if it’s not in them to do so. Start looking forward without him in your lives and plan accordingly.

It’s hard I know I’ve dove it and it feels never ending but it does end and it does change and you will manage to carve out a bit of time for yourself. Just maybe not at the moment but you will.

You never, ever, tell him you have plans. Every time he doesn't have your child be enthusiastic and tell him how pleased you are that this means you can take then for an extra treat/you're so happy to extra time with them. Reverse phycology can be your friend here if he thinks not having your child causes you distress.
Also, definitely aim for some child care back up for those occasions you really do need to be child free, even if it's just to give you a break to sit and do nothing.

It sounds really hard for you. No break makes it all seems quite relentless. I think the only way you will get mental peace is by stopping trying to include DC's dad in your life plans. Go out for coffee with your DC and meet a friend if possible. Find an exercise class that includes you both or has childcare. Invite a friend round for a drink and crisps in the evening... It isn't fair at all while he does what he likes but it isn't going to be so I think you need to make peace with that.

Jesus, stories like this (and they seem common) give me the rage. He conceived a child with you and has essentially just walked away.

What is the financial arrangement? Because I would be getting every penny I could out of him. Then use some of that for a babysitter when you need someone reliable.

If he’s not sticking to set times go to court.
Don’t have an ad hoc type schedule, have specific dates and times and stick to them. My exh is a knob but we have set times and if we need to deviate we will let each other know weeks in advance. If you can’t agree and he keeps bailing you need to go to court. Your child’s life isn’t a joke and he is treating it like one. Put a stop to it

It is really hard, I never relied on my ex for anything, even paid for childcare when it was his contact time as he was so bloody useless, it isn't fair but if you don't rely on him he can't let you down and that does make your life easier.

Didn’t you post about this a couple of weeks ago - down to the nail appt issue? What did you do based on the advice you got?

He's selfish, inconsiderate and a crap father. I'd suggest you stop being so nice to him and call him the deadbeat dad that he is.

How old is your child? Can you find a babysitter, maybe a local teenager or an older female neighbour? Could you take it in turns with a mum friend to have her kids and then her have yours? It's important to try and carve out a little time for yourself if you possibly can. But lots of single mums do have a life, they pick activities with friends with children so you can take your children along. You can have nails done and hair done at home from a mobile practitioner. Try and remain positive - you will have a close and loving relationship with your child and they will remember all the fun times they had with you.

It’s crap and unfortunately something that many single parents have to deal with.

There is not a lot you can do.

The only thing that might help is him having the child on set days eg every other weekend and Tuesdays and Thursdays or something.

If you can come up with a proper schedule and both stick to it, then it will make planning things for yourself so much easier.

Obviously he may choose not to stick to his days but then you don’t change your days.

Yep. Don't tell him anything and act more like you aren't bothered.

Its unfair and happens all the time...even when the parents are together. My Dc are older now but when they were younger, DH would just go out whenever he wanted. If I went out, I would always check. It's called being the default parent. It's shit. You can't count on him op and you can't force him to step up. Anyone else you can rely on? Otherwise it's a case of waiting until your DC are older and u have more freedom