Birthday bill split

[KnickerlessFatWoman]

Last weekend was my mother’s birthday, so we - that’s me, my parents, sister and BIL and their 12 year-old son - went for Sunday lunch. Unfortunately the food wasn’t great, and they ended up taking my main off the bill.

My dad is someone who always wants to treat everyone, so my sister and I decided this time it was our turn and we were going to treat him and our mum instead. When the bill came, BIL asked if we could split it over two cards, but they said they could only take one payment. He paid and I said I’d transfer my share. For the sake of keeping the maths simple on this thread, let’s say the bill was £210, or £35 per head.

Both BIL and sister are crap at responding to messages, so it took me until midweek to get the bank details. I sent over £70 to cover me and one of my parents.

I heard nothing in response, but I was chatting to my mum earlier and she said “Oh, by the way, Katie said you got the money wrong - it was £210 and you only sent £70”. I said no, that was right - my meal and one other. She said, “Ohhh… I think she thought you were splitting it”. I laughed and said, “No, we said we’d treat you and Dad. I didn’t say I’d pay for three meals!”

I don’t really know why my sister couldn’t just have messaged me instead of talking to our mother about it, but that’s not really the issue. Surely she and BIL don’t expect me to pay half the bill? By treating our parents, I meant exactly that - not that I’d pay for them both while my sister just paid for her own family (which is what this amounts to). There are three of them and one of me. If I pay half the bill, sister and BIL have only covered themselves and their child - there’s no “treating” anyone at all.

AIBU for thinking £70 was my share and paying just that?

Except it isn’t, because a cake costs what it costs. If you’re going halves on a cake, the cost isn’t going to change if someone only has one slice and someone else has two. Okay, maybe you need a bigger cake for a bigger party, but that’s going to be a difference of what, a couple of quid? Two extra meals is a very different thing.

If we’re going to go with a cake analogy, this scenario would translate into OP’s sister saying “We bought you a cake, Mum!” when actually OP had paid for it.

OP you can take heart from knowing that the vast majority of people think you ANBU. Your sister is being ridiculous. I don't think you can explain it any more clearly for those who disagree with you. We have 3 children so often in the party with more people in it and would never expect anyone to subsidise our meal, simply wouldn't let them.

I think you are right op but I can understand why they assumed you were splitting it 50/50. I would just send a quick message "hi ds just spoke to mum and she said there was some confusion about the bill. I thought we were just splitting the cost of mum and dad's meal as a treat to them rather than splitting the whole bill. Hope that's ok? Otherwise do you want me to transfer you rest? No worries either way xxx"

I'm with you Op. This is the kind of scenario people who eat pr drink more never care, they just want to split the bill. In your case your sister, her husband (two paychecks) and her child would treat themselves as usual and you would have to fork the bill for your parents and yourself. She would still get the title of nice daughter who treated her parents when in reality she didn't?
If you carefully explain her the situation she should get it, if not, she's just taking you for a ride.

Are you struggling financially OP or do you have 'spare' cash?
This is relevant.
I don't understand this splitting bills proportionally when it comes to family.

But it's meaningless without the context.

2 people in a supermarket - 'let's split the bill'.
That's going to be 50:50.

3 unrelated people in a supermarket - 'let's split the bill'.
That's going to be 33:33:33

A couple and 1 person in a supermarket- 'let's split the bill'.
That's going to be 66:33.

🤷‍♀️

People are being weird. In my family I am the one who is married with kids. If we are taking parents out for a meal as a treat and we decide to split the bill it would still be done fairly, why should my sister subsidise my husband and kids? It's bonkers maths. So in the case of the op she has paid fairly, her meal and a parents and her sister should be paying for her own family and a parent as well. It seems to have been worked out very fairly! Those of us with children can't expect the people who don't have children to automatically subsidise our choices.

I’m with OP on this one.

Unless that £35 is really important to you, are you able to shift your thinking here?

Rather than ‘the food and drink’ being the gift (in which case, paying for yourself and one parent makes sense), can you see it as ‘the experience’ (of the whole family being together and dad not having to pay) being the gift?

No, she really doesn't. She isn't stingy or mean. She paid for her own meal plus one of her parent's meals, as agreed. She also had a refund for her main course but she still paid the original cost of that meal, thus lowering the amount that her sister paid.

OP's sister is in a two income family. OP has one income. It's her sister that complained to their mum that OP hadn't split the bill 50/50. Now that was a twatty thing to do.

What don’t you understand about it? More people eating means they pay more. Seems pretty simple to me.

I'd message sister with the reasoning behind your £70. She surely doesn't think you should pay half of the bill when you're on your own & she's with her husband & son? I wouldn't. It's surely a misunderstanding.

The problem with all the people saying:

' yes it's completely obvious to split the bill proportionately with you just paying for yourself and 1DP '- I agree with you BTW

It doesn't matter that it's obvious to you. It's how the DSIS interprets it.
Let's face it, families/ couples often go out for meals and split the bill 50/50.
DSis is probably just lazily applying family /couple bill splitting to this scenario.

TBH it all sounds a bit drama llama. To me it depends on the monies involved and the financial situation of @KnickerlessFatWoman of how to handle this. If I was skint, I would just tell DSis to jog on and be clear with her in the future

Isn’t the sister saying she’ll join the OP in treating their parents but then paying nothing towards the parents’ meals way stingier?

Even if op was in the wrong (I don't think she is) the sister was very unreasonable to speak to the mum about this rather than messaging op. Sis is the one to make drama and spoil the spirit of the gift.

Yes and then moaning to mummy that meany sis isn’t allowing her to get away with it.

I think it was just a simple misunderstanding with neither option right/wrong but your sister was then wrong to bring your parents into it by talking to your mum, that seems really off to discuss the cost of the treat and bill split with one of the treat receivers!

She could have texted and said to you “oh I thought we were going 50/50?” And you could have said “well I just paid for myself and one parent so that we were both covering our own costs plus half of parents” and she could have said “oh ok then”, both file it away to be more explicit about bill split in future and leave it there.

If someone said to me shall we go halves on the bill as a treat to mum and dad I would assume half of the total cost.
Otherwise a person would ask if you would pay for mum and I pay for dad and we pay for ourselves.

You sound simply awful OP and I would have paid half as agreed. I think your rather off putting with your demeaner. I would pay the extra and say sorry I misunderstood as your at this point not worthy of any form of sympathy for your crap behaviour

Exactly. The posters who are berating the OP for being stingy seem to all be ignoring the fact that the sister is being even stingier and has then gone to complain to her mummy about the OP.

I think all sides of the debate agree on that point. Sister should have raised with op not mum. That was not classy.

It wasn't agreed though. The sister assumed that the OP would be paying for her family without any discussion.

You are 100% in the right OP, sorry you are getting such a hard time on here.

If you were to take your parents out of the equation (as their costs have been split fairly), it would be the equivalent of just you going out with your sis, her husband and their child. Surely in that case no-one could argue it would be reasonable for you to split that bill 50/50 (without there also being some other reason you might want to treat your sis/bro in law/nephew eg if it was one of their birthday’s too)!? That is essentially the same situation as here.

Have you spoken to your sister? Hope you have managed to explain things and she understands now.

But that wasn’t what OP agreed.

Except she never agreed to pay half. She agreed to treat the parents and was very clear about that. It was the sister who misunderstood that.