DH NEVER hears me …

[cuppitycakes]

It doesn’t matter what I say 90% of the time DH says hmm ? What? What did you say?
I am so so bored of having to repeat myself all the time and I know I’m getting stroppy. I’ve asked him to get his ears checked over the last year or so but he hasn’t bothered. I’m not actually sure it’s that or that he just doesn’t actually pay any attention. It’s almost like he asks me what I said before he’s even possibly had time to register what I said if that makes sense. It doesn’t happen with anyone else. It’s stopping me actually wanting to ‘chat’ to him because it’s too much effort. Anyone else ? I’ve told him I’m not repeating myself anymore.

@cuppitycakes , I think we may be married to the same man and I absolutely feel your pain it’s so frustrating. I feel like I say almost everything twice. 😩
I got fed up about it and he started guessing what I’d said, without fail wrongly. I’m afraid I told him I thought he must have ADD which to be fair is a possibility but he doesn’t seem to have this issue with anyone else. He says I mumble/speak very quietly but I don’t have a problem getting others to hear me and when I try and speak up he accuses me of shouting! 🤦🏼‍♀️I’ve resigned myself to the situation now because what else can I do? I’m glad it’s not just me.

It's possible. I struggle with some men's voices and need to use subtitles on the TV.

Oh this would drive me insane and make me miserable and stressed! Repeating yourself is so tiresome. I would stop doing it.
If you are talking to him and he is looking at you and showing no signs of inattentiveness, I would just say ‘I’m not repeating myself, you were paying attention and since you claim you have no problem with your hearing you must have heard me’. My OH does this sometimes and when I know he should have heard me, I say ‘I’m not repeating myself’ and most of the time he can repeat what I’ve said or near enough ‘oh, you’re saying you’re working late tonight?’. Sometimes I think it’s just habit, or he’s delaying providing a response if one is required, or he looks like he’s paying attention but his mind is elsewhere!

If he looks distracted/inattentive when you are telling him something, as others have said, say his name and ask him if he’s listening.

And get a family planner! Many of the things my OH claims I didn’t tell him relate to who is doing what and when eg ‘yes I did tell you DD has a party today and you need to pick her up cos I’m doing XYZ’. Honesty when I tell him that stuff I just know it isn’t going to stick! I bet your OH is the same!

I too thought the OP must be married to my DH. His response to anything and everything I say to him is 'pardon'. Then before I'm 6 words into repeating it, he replies. So he did hear me after all!!

He possibly heard a bit of what you said. Then it took him a while to work out what it was from context using the bit he heard. That delay doesn’t mean he heard it perfectly, it usually means he worked it out which takes a second or two.

it is annoying that he does straight to ‘what’ or “eh?’ before he works it out but until he has a hearing test (and you DO NOT HAVE TO BE ELDERLY TO NEED ONE!!) you really don’t know.

But please stop thinking hearing only goes in very old age. It often starts much earlier but people ignore it and go into denial. And their families think they’re just being annoyingly inattentive because of the processing delay caused by hearing just a bit less than normal.

I used to have a friend years ago, whose default reaction immediately after someone begins talking, is to say “Ehh?” Every. Single Time. So I had to say all of my initial sentences twice! “I saw Sarah the oth….” “Ehh?” It was soooo exhausting. I wish I’d thought of saying her name first.
After a while I began saying random drivel until she’d say “ehh?” then say what I wanted to say. Made it amusing but was still exhausting.

Noooo! As a partially deaf person, he didn’t hear you! He heard the first part and then the sound of what you said after that and is ‘sounding out’ the last part to find what matches the first part!

“Do you want to go to the stgevemt fsgdxt?” Huh?
Stgevemt fsgdxt? Stmpt fhsrt? Ohhhh supermarket first!!! Do you want to go to the supermarket first! It takes about 2/3 seconds. He didn’t hear you. Not all of it!

Yes this is what happens to me. I take time to process what I am hearing and work out the sounds I didn't hear

My DH is exactly the same . Hearing tested 100%. There only the two of us in the house so he knows I’m talking to him . We can have whole conversations where he’ll agree to things and then later deny any knowledge.
He admitted once that he doesn’t listen and only picks up on odd words but now denies that and says it’s me . Apparently it’s my fault as I mumble - only to him though , when asked other people say I don’t ! My DM used to say the same about my DD, my DD says same about my SIL and my friends say their DH do it too !!

Get him checked by one of those ear wax removal people. Could be a big lump of wax

It's not that he heard you, it's that it can take a while for people to process what's being said. My hearing is fine but I have auditory processing issues so if I'm concentrating on something else or (for example) the TV is on at the same time, it takes a few seconds for my brain to realise someone is talking to me and to decipher what they've said.

Mine is the same, although I’m pretty sure it’s because he just doesn’t listen, as he’ll often talk about something days later which I know I’ve already told him about. I find it so tiresome, constantly repeating myself. I find myself saying “ it doesn’t matter “ but then he goes on and on , what was it I said. Honestly I feel like just not bothering to talk sometimes, which is a bit sad really. It’s actually me who does have some hearing loss, but if I say I’m sorry I didn’t quite hear what you said he acts like he doesn’t believe me. Urgh, I hate getting old.

Ignore him back and watch him get stroppy.

I’m autistic, and have audio processing problems, sometimes it’s like people are speaking a foreign language and I’ll have to ask for them to repeat a few times.

Thank you for all the extra comments. Lots to think about. (Thank you also for the solidarity from those of you facing the same.)
I think I might have persuaded him to get his hearing tested …
(No signs at all of ADHD so don’t think it’s that.)

You can have APD without ADHD.

Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) is a condition where the brain struggles to interpret and process the sounds the ears hear.

Getting his attention before continuing, and giving time for it to register can help (ignore the "pardon" until he says it a few times, he might just need time to process)
It's not necessarily something people can help if it is that.

I think there are multiple thinks going on - we get used to ambiant noise in our own home (actually we do in our work places too) so often tend to ‘tune out’ familiar noises - the dishwasher, the kids TV, DH’s cricket etc - and this can include dialling down responses to immediate family voices if we hear them talking to other’s/on the phone etc. so, yes, I think that some times you need to alert a partner that you are talking to them, especially if they are focused on a tv or screen or book - because they’ve trained their brain to tune incidental sounds out. If he is relaxing and at home, he will have gone into this mode.

Also, the part of your brain that is involved in language processing can only cope with a certain number of language-based stimuli - listening to the TV OR reading a book/complex/email are already too challenging to do simultaneously at high processing ability, so adding a person talking to you without alerting you to focus your attention on them is an impossibility. The ability to listen to the tv, read a screen and hold a conversation simultaneously erodes as we age, with tiredness and fatigue.

I get it, tho, as I also have to call out my DH’s name to get his attention if he’s scrolling work emails/whatsapp and watching the tv at the same time. In the past he has turned to me and asked ‘were you talking to me?’ and I have spun on the spot in an empty room and asked - ‘well, who the hell else am I talking to? My invisible friend?’ I’ve stopped doing that now and do use his name instead and wait for his attention before I start to speak now. I’ve decided that on some level I was being rude by ‘talking at him’ and expecting him to drop everything cognitively and listen.

Mines exactly the same and it is exhausting and sadly makes me not want to say anything as it makes me think hes clearly not interested. Like several pps he claims i mumble yet no one else has any issue. I have started ignoring him when he says eh ir pardon all the time as its too exhausting repeating everything.

If your DH goes to a hearing test, check out how they conduct it first.

I'm in Melbourne and go for free hearing tests annually. It's a dedicated organisation, dealing only with hearing. I have no hearing problems and always come out normal, it's as much to establishing a base and record of my hearing over time. I'm early 70s. I live alone, and have fewer opportunities to hear others, so I'm aware it can creep up on you.

I went a few days ago and the test was as usual, the headphone, etc. The thing was, I could hear the tech typing every time I clicked on a sound, and the heating was whooshing out of the ceiling. All through the test. It was distracting and stressful as I couldn't tell whether I'd heard the beeps.
I remarked on this after the test and she laughed and said, "Sometimes a little distraction helps people".
Unbefuckinglievable. As if an ophthalmologist would run random images past your eyes while testing your sight.

I won't be going back and when they conduct their post appointment assessments, will tell them exactly why. Fortunately there are lots of hearing test places around, but by heck I'll be checking out how they conduct tests beforehand.

I came out close to 100% on the test, but still.

I think it can be habit. My kids are both in the habit of automatically saying "what" when I speak, although they've heard me. Even worse, they don't say "oh sorry what was that" or "pardon?" in a nice way, they screech "what??!". I've started getting angry at them over it because it's really unbearable.

You can have auditory processing issues without ADHD.

Yeah this is me. Pisses my DH off.

But he also has the bad habit launching straight into a conversation with no preamble, often about something obscure from last night or when I'm busy dishing up dinner and dodging children.

He does the talking from another room thing too, oh and very annoying!! Talking while I'm doing loud cooking and I say 'i can't here you it's too loud in here!' and he'll just try again at the same volume again and again until I get annoyed and say we need to speak about this later.

Even my young children know to say mummy/daddy before they start talking so I don't know why DH can't.

Saying this, I have learned to try to focus of DH souly when he speaks so I'm paying attention and he KNOWS I'm paying attention.