DH NEVER hears me …

[cuppitycakes]

It doesn’t matter what I say 90% of the time DH says hmm ? What? What did you say?
I am so so bored of having to repeat myself all the time and I know I’m getting stroppy. I’ve asked him to get his ears checked over the last year or so but he hasn’t bothered. I’m not actually sure it’s that or that he just doesn’t actually pay any attention. It’s almost like he asks me what I said before he’s even possibly had time to register what I said if that makes sense. It doesn’t happen with anyone else. It’s stopping me actually wanting to ‘chat’ to him because it’s too much effort. Anyone else ? I’ve told him I’m not repeating myself anymore.

It doesn’t happen with anyone else it's in the OP's first post.
Here's the clue. He's dismissing his wife.

DM is like this, except she does wear hearing aids. It is exhausting. Often, I say something and she doesn’t even know I am talking. I say it a second time and she will hear “do you want a cup of tea? as “do you want to watch tv?”. She’ll answer “no”. So I then go to make myself a cup of tea and I come back and she she asks me why I haven’t made her one. Gahhh!

Or I’ll ask her if she wants me to make a sandwich. She doesn’t hear the question but guesses it, answers yes , and so then is surprised when I appear with a sandwich because her guess was that i was asking her if I could borrow her sweater because i had been looking cold.

these types of incidents happen every day when i am with her multiple times a day: it is so frustrating. She won’t entertain the idea of getting further technology because, apparently,I am the only person who has these problems with her. …. This latter point is not true, obviously.

My ex H was like this. I used to get "EH?" ŵhen I said anything, or asked him a question. I'm convinced it was a power play.

I calmy told him I don't respond to "EH?"

And, that I would not repeat myself. Further instances of "EH?" were met with silence and a stony stare. Funnily enough, his hearing soon improved dramatically. A

I was replying to the specific PP that I quoted. I made a separate post to reply to the Op .

You have to do the blowjob question.
In amongst talk of boring jobs and house admin shit you say " do you want a blowjob" .then you find out what he chooses to hear.

Hehehehe

Yeah - it's all her fault 🙄

Always on mumsnet someone has to blame the OP

I was at a wedding the other week and DH’s colleague (older man with hearing aids) told me he realised he had an issue with his hearing because he couldn’t hear his wife or daughters much at all. Apparently he only struggles with women’s voices as the pitch is too high. I don’t know how legit it is but he had no real reason to lie. So yeah, it could be this or he’s just a twat.

Both dh and I do it!! For me it’s when I’m reading or on my phone I’m super focused so I tune everything else out. Only happens occasionally though.
With dh its all the time it seems to be a processing issue like unless he’s actively listening he can’t take things inn(even if he is not doing anything else) . I do get irritated with dh but I try to remember he’s not doing it on purpose. He is better with other people/work but I suspect he tries harder there whereas at home he is more relaxed.

People generally wait ten years after they first get signs of hearing loss before they seek medical help. In that time, some pitches which are fading get lost forever and even hearing aids won’t bring them back. The earlier people get aids, the more chance they have of experiencing proper hearing both then and as they age. Hearing aids can be really hard to get used to and you need to persevere, wearing them all the time, until you adapt to them. They often need tweaking until they work. They can be exhausting. They’re hard for elderly people to manage for the first time - fiddly and easily lost, difficult to insert if you have arthritis and hard to change tiny batteries if you aren’t used to them.

For goodness sake, get him to have his ears tested. It might not be that but I bet in lots of these cases it is a vain man who hates the idea of needing hearing aids which for some reason people are so snotty about compared to needing specs. You really don’t know unless he has those ears tested.

Women are harder to hear in most hearing losses.

You can hear better when you concentrate harder when you have a hearing loss but it’s so tiring - at home you are more likely to switch off and then it appears selective.

People, specially men, can get all arrogant and haughty as a defence mechanism. Become rude rather than admit that part of their body is not functioning as well as it did.

I’ve seen it so many times.

And not correcting your hearing means you are 45% more likely to get Alzheimer’s. So push him - we need to get tested it as soon as we atart losing any hearing, even if we do feel ’too young for hearing aids.’

It does happen with other people. Not a wanker

If you have hearing loss, the younger you are when you get your aids, the more successful you’ll be as the years go on and the hearing diminishes. You’ll be able to have your aids tweaked and keep up with it as an experienced wearer. It is SO WORTH IT!

We all hear bits of what’s said and put those bits together taking context into consideration to make sense of it. That’s why at the end of the day when we are tired we can’t hear as well. When we are relaxed and not focused we can’t hear as well. We do switch off.

I think it’s very selfish to the people around him for him not to at least get his ears tested.

I started refusing to repeat myself. If he couldn’t listen the first time, it wasn’t my problem. 💁🏻‍♀️

I daydream a lot and can switch off to what's around me easily.

Even when hearing noises, I don't necessarily process them unless I know for sure they're directed at me.

Like I can be seemingly staring at something yet miles away and not actually looking at it or taking it in.

If someone walks into a room I'm in and starts talking straight away, l have to ask them to start again as I wasn't listening.

Were not all the same, but could also be a hearing loss thing.

Same as I can pass people I know in the street without realising, unless I'm actively looking at faces.

Yeah my DH is exactly the same and it’s bloody infuriating. Even when he does appear to hear me, he often only takes in half of what I’ve said. He just can’t process very quickly. I have ND kids so I suspect there’s an element of this going on in DH too. I’ve learned the best way is to get his attention first, then don’t give him too much information in one go.

I had this with DF. What would also happen next, is that after the first “what” or “eh”, I’d start repeating myself only to get 3 words in. Then he’d interrupt and talk right over me, answering the question I’d asked first time around.

So he had heard the first time. It was presumably more of a delay processing thing. Very irritating though.

I suspect that being a bit deaf is part of the problem. My DH developed a habit of automatically asking what I said because he so often couldn't hear and listening carefully was hard work so he didn't always bother.
. I had to tell him very seriously, when he wasn't doing anything else, that his deafness was causing real problems in our relationship and please would he see if it could be helped, especially as deafness is a big factor in developing dementia.
He got NHS hearing aids which helped but were too uncomfortable to wear for long periods , then expensive private ones which work brilliantly and are comfortable. He is like a new person, more engaged and lively than he has been for years.

Honestly, I’m the same with DH. I’m convinced he mumbles - or he walks out of the room mid sentence and I’m expected to be able to hear him from the bathroom while the TV is on and the washing machine is going.

However I am also autistic and struggle to differentiate sounds sometimes - so if the TV is on and someone is talking it takes me a while to a) realise and b) understand what they’re asking.

It's legit. The higher frequencies are lost first. My hearing is good enough for everyday purposes but I can no longer hear higher tones.

I should have added that my DS who does this has ADHD but k didn’t want to be accused of diagnosing or excusing the husband in this one!

So it’s not his fault, but it’s still difficult to live with, ie never being able to keep talking after saying the name, but having to say it several times and wait and make sure he’s listening etc

But this is an elderly man who’s going deaf? Not like all men can’t hear us.

I was going to say the same. Say his name and wait for him to look up.

Has he always been like this? Some individuals with a language disorder do this to give them more processing time. Saying name first still is the best approach.

Also don’t shout from room to room. Not a good way of communicating with anyone

Anyone with hearing loss tends to lose higher frequency first. Including older men. If there are young and middle aged men with good hearing claiming they can't hear women, that's a different thing. I was responding to a post about a man with hearing aids who clearly did have a problem.

I don’t know enough about ADHD to say either way, but in my case it’s menopause. Although I strongly suspect that’s not what’s going on with the OP’s husband! 🙂

I haven’t RTFT but you can do an online hearing test on the RNID website. My DH thought I was just being annoying as I have the volume on the tv down very low and I can hear that fine when I’m on my own. We were listening to a radio show on a long journey when the subject of hearing loss came up and many of the things talked about resonated with me. So I did the test which said I needed more testing and to see my GP for a referral to audiology. Took ages but I now wear hearing aids.