New baby - to have lost a bit of faith in my partner?

[NorthernMum2021]

DP and I have just had second child, DS just turned 3, DD 7 weeks. We are constantly bickering over little things but it all stems from me losing faith in him doing what he says he's going to do, because there have been multiple occasions where he hasn't.

The biggest one - on multiple occasions (at least 10 times in the past 7 weeks), DP has failed to get up in the morning with our DS. We are sleeping in separate rooms as I am breastfeeding and co sleeping with the baby, so it is DP's job to have DS on the monitor (on his phone) and get up with him in the morning. It is always for a different reason, e.g. his phone charger fell out, he forgot to turn the volume up, he forgot to put the app on. 1 or 2 times is excusable, but more than that and I feel that it shows he doesn't care or can't be bothered to ensure that he's going to be able to hear DS. Now every time it happens (3 times in the last week!), I get really angry really quickly because I'm just like, how can you not care enough to make it work?!

Not sticking to the morning routine that we'd agreed. Obviously stuff is up in the air when the baby is newborn but after a few weeks I said I'd like a bit more routine for DS, e.g. eating breakfast at the table, getting dressed, playing, otherwise he was just watching TV for over an hour and eating cereal on the sofa in the mornings We discussed and agreed on a morning routine multiple times and it got done maybe once or twice before DP just didn't do it any more and I had to remind him or have a big blow up about it and we'd have the same conversation again.

Not checking things in fridge before he gives them to him, e.g. he put a yoghurt past its sell by date in his nursery lunchbox, fruit that was clearly off.

All these things and others that I can't even think of right now have massively shaken my trust in him. It makes me feel like he doesn't think things through and is happy to just wait for things to go wrong, and I see that as a lack of care and it really upsets me. Now I am on high alert so feel like I am constantly nagging or picking up on things.

Other little examples - watching too much TV - we've agreed on half an hour in the morning and up to an hour in the evening, but I have 0 faith that if I didn't go in in the morning and ask how much TV he'd had that DP would turn it off after half an hour.

DP put the pram in the car the other day so it fell out when the boot opened. Not the worst thing in the world but it was just yet another example of him not thinking things through. He's always sorry but for me there's no point being sorry if he's not realising that the problem is not the individual things themselves, but the lack of thinking through the consequences or caring.

AIBU to be annoyed and losing faith in him, and getting annoyed really quickly now when he does any tiny thing 'wrong'?

Drop the tv requirements

Everything else yanbu.
Id also be inclined to buy him an old school alarm clock that fuck up proof.

Try to survive the next year and reevaluate

This. Let go of the small stuff, a bit of extra tv while yoyre all settling into new routines with baby isn't the end of the world.

This, nothing wrong with a bit of appropriate TV. No ipads, no looking at phones at all. There is no need for them at all at anytime.

If OP is concentrating on and sleeping with the baby, and DH is available to do morning routine (and gets good nights sleep as sleeping away from both DC) why can’t the lazy arse get the older child up and have breakfast sat at a table and interact with them. How is he being impacted by the baby? I can understand standards slipping if OP was on her own, but there is a perfectly competent other adult in the house who just chooses to be incompetent

This is what I tend to think but don't know if that's being too harsh?

All our friends with 2 kids are separated or divorced. It seems once the youngest hits 4/5 and everything is easier, the wife decides she's had enough. Ours are a bit younger and there are days where I think DH is on borrowed time. Sorry. Babies and toddlers are so hard. And women just carry everything, on top of working full time now. I'm actually the higher earner by far, work longer hours, and still do more at home. I have no answers for you.

No you are not!

Why would it be being too harsh. Why have women become too afraid to expect normal standards from their partners. He too is a parent and he too is an adult in the household. He should be pulling his weight.

I feel like saying the following.

"If there is one more time you 'forget' to get up with DS and give him proper parenting in the morning - that means, you bring the energy, get him dressed, and give him something nice to do like playing together with toys and eating breakfast at the table- there will be consequences. I don't know entirely what they are yet, but the worst one will genuinely be that we split up, if this cannot be resolved.

The first consequence will probably be that I come in at 3am, when I am up with baby, when you are sleeping the following night, and I pour a pint of iced water down your neck. I know this is petty and ridiculous but I am at the end of my tether. I really need you to hear that requiring you to get up is not a minor preference on my part or an unimportant parenting choice - it's super important for DS that he is taken care of properly, it's super important for me and Dbaby that we get enough sleep. If you keep failing to meet your responsibility you are basically stealing my sleep and my energy and it shows that you do not love and care for any of us.

If on the other hand there's a reason you aren't getting up - like you genuinely think DS does not need to be parented in the morning in this way - then you need to tell me now, bring me any evidence, and make the case for us doing it differently. It is really spineless to nod along and then secretly sabotage things."

Great post calflions. OP your DH is treating you like dirt and it's important to tell him this is serious. Then you'll need to see if he listens and his behaviour and respect for you improves. I hope it does.

I don’t know but may be he needs an ultimatum because at the moment it’s hard to see what’s in it for you.

Seven weeks is still early, we were very lax with tv, sofa dinners etc for the first 3-4 months. Baby is now 7 months and we are pretty much back to normal - or at least, a new normal I can live with!

So I would cut him a lot of slack on the routines side of things for a while yet.

Stuff like out of date yoghurt and the pushchair - I mean, I’ve been there 🤷‍♀️

As to the not getting up - that is a real
problem. However, as the sleepier side of the couple (I can sleep through wailing children, my husband never can!) I have some sympathy. I would probably go into toddler, pick him up, and calmly but firmly deposit him with your husband every morning. Yes, it’s annoying you have to get up. No, it shouldn’t be like this. But don’t let a particular issue at a notoriously difficult time escalate into marriage-ending resentment.

Also make sure your DH is stepping up during the day. Even if you’re EBF, in between feeds, there is nothing you can do that he can’t. I was packing mine off to the supermarket to do the big shop with both children at three months while I had a bath.

I would print out an A4 sheet which reads "DON'T FORGET TO SWITCH THE MONITOR ON", laminate it and put it on his pillow every night until he understands that you have had enough.
Failing that, check you and the baby in to a nice quiet hotel for the week.

if its been agreed your dh will get up with your 3 yr old in the morning and he doesnt with silly infantile excuses he is negligent. Giving your child off fruit and out of date food stuffs is negligent.

You’re not being unreasonable at all! I have a 2.5 year old and 4 week old. I can’t imagine my partner doing any of these things! We are very much on the same page with TV though and it sounds like your husband may be just seeking whatever gives him an easy life…

His always struggled with getting up ????does he work

Yes, a lot of new mums and dads are like this at your stage. Do you have family nearby? Or friends to give you both a bit of a break, even just for a night or two?

Weaponised incompetence

Ok what if op stopped breastfeeding (hypothetical) and she got up in the morning and the delightful DP fed the baby in the night? Good swap? I think having an ultimatum is needed as this guy is having a laugh. Weaponised incompetence- exactly

This would be an option but I love breastfeeding and would rather do the nights to bond with my lovely new baby 🥰

Thanks everyone - I think the mix of views has shown me it's somewhere in the middle. We've now switched to a traditional monitor and it worked for this morning so we'll see. DP is well aware and I've shown him this thread. He's a brilliant dad in many other ways and the most lovely person, so I think perhaps the suggestions to divorce him or throw a bucket of ice water over his head are hopefully a bit much 🤣

All of these things he'd be absolutely fine with - he already does the cooking, we split the washing so it would still get done, I don't give him lifts anywhere, he'd be fine for the whole day with DS and he does DS' bedtime anyway! He's pretty good in all other respects other than the morning.

Some things I feel like YABU, others not so much. Even on the things I think that YABU with, I still understand❤️ it’s a whole world of pressure, the sleeping in would send me over the edge, especially when DC were babies. I have a 20 month old, I flipped out this morning because we’re going out for the day, I made sure DS was fully packed and dressed, DP showered, then I showered and got ready thinking we can head out, nope, DP decided he needed to iron a T-shirt, then wander upstairs reapplying deodorant etc, I’ve calmed down now, not sure why, but it sent me sideways. So handhold in solidarity🫶🏼❤️

Send him videos by Alex Trippier he explains everything so well from a male POV.