New baby - to have lost a bit of faith in my partner?

[NorthernMum2021]

DP and I have just had second child, DS just turned 3, DD 7 weeks. We are constantly bickering over little things but it all stems from me losing faith in him doing what he says he's going to do, because there have been multiple occasions where he hasn't.

The biggest one - on multiple occasions (at least 10 times in the past 7 weeks), DP has failed to get up in the morning with our DS. We are sleeping in separate rooms as I am breastfeeding and co sleeping with the baby, so it is DP's job to have DS on the monitor (on his phone) and get up with him in the morning. It is always for a different reason, e.g. his phone charger fell out, he forgot to turn the volume up, he forgot to put the app on. 1 or 2 times is excusable, but more than that and I feel that it shows he doesn't care or can't be bothered to ensure that he's going to be able to hear DS. Now every time it happens (3 times in the last week!), I get really angry really quickly because I'm just like, how can you not care enough to make it work?!

Not sticking to the morning routine that we'd agreed. Obviously stuff is up in the air when the baby is newborn but after a few weeks I said I'd like a bit more routine for DS, e.g. eating breakfast at the table, getting dressed, playing, otherwise he was just watching TV for over an hour and eating cereal on the sofa in the mornings We discussed and agreed on a morning routine multiple times and it got done maybe once or twice before DP just didn't do it any more and I had to remind him or have a big blow up about it and we'd have the same conversation again.

Not checking things in fridge before he gives them to him, e.g. he put a yoghurt past its sell by date in his nursery lunchbox, fruit that was clearly off.

All these things and others that I can't even think of right now have massively shaken my trust in him. It makes me feel like he doesn't think things through and is happy to just wait for things to go wrong, and I see that as a lack of care and it really upsets me. Now I am on high alert so feel like I am constantly nagging or picking up on things.

Other little examples - watching too much TV - we've agreed on half an hour in the morning and up to an hour in the evening, but I have 0 faith that if I didn't go in in the morning and ask how much TV he'd had that DP would turn it off after half an hour.

DP put the pram in the car the other day so it fell out when the boot opened. Not the worst thing in the world but it was just yet another example of him not thinking things through. He's always sorry but for me there's no point being sorry if he's not realising that the problem is not the individual things themselves, but the lack of thinking through the consequences or caring.

AIBU to be annoyed and losing faith in him, and getting annoyed really quickly now when he does any tiny thing 'wrong'?

The not getting up in the morning thing would drive me insane and you are right to get cross with him for that.

The TV example - was DH on board with this or is it your rule and he doesn't really agree with it?

The tv was a compromise we reached - I want him to have minimal tv, DP is very chilled about TV time. I'm not really sure what's reasonable, but I just don't want tv to become the default activity!

I think all women need to realise men are very aware what they are doing.

The reasons he constantly doesn’t do things he agreed to do is because he does not want to do them. He thinks if messes up consistently you will just do it for him. I doubt he is like this at work.

Haha tbh mine was similar when my second was born - I’d exclusively breastfed my eldest until 2, and only stopped once pregnant, plus my work fit around childcare so I was very much the default parent. It took a good few months (and me shouting after he complained she’d been sleeping badly, as if I hadn’t done it every night for 2.5 years), but equally we had fallen into the rut of me being the default parent (and I think I liked being so needed so hadn’t exactly rushed to change it) so both at fault really.

My youngest is also gone 2 now, and was also breastfed for a while. Again she was far more dependent on me but I will admit he’s far better at the toddler years than I am! I can zone out newborn crying but he is much better at dealing with tantrums! Pregnant with my third and I’m sure it’ll be similar as we all find our way!!

Id give it a few weeks but if after some honest conversations it doesn’t improve, then it would be a different matter x

Its annoying but you're going to have to loosen up on your routines or you'll drive yourself mad. I dont think its the end of the world if he sits on the sofa and watches TV. He is only 3 after all. Agree the out of date food is careless.

When I became the breadwinner and Dh was at home more and doing more of the grunt work, I found I had to accept that I wasn’t going to be able to lay down the law about how things would be. Tv was the classic one for us too, but lots of other things too. When you say you’d ‘agreed’ various ground rules - I don’t think you had. You stated what you wanted, he said yes, tbh probably to shut you up but it’s also possible he saw it as an aspiration and maybe not essential?

Honestly, I think to at least some extent you have to adjust. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way but I think you are going to end up in major conflict. Have a think about what you really, really care about; what are the hills you are really willing to die on. You might have to pick your battles.

This. He knows what he's doing. He knows you'll soon stop expecting him to get up/do the packed lunch etc. because your blood pressure can't take it any more. Hello easy life being 'fun dad'. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Second child is where a lot of things go wrong. I've seen it a lot in my circle (late 30s, we all have small children). Because with your first, you've done almost all of it. Now you have a baby to focus on, DH has to step up and the difference in skills and knowledge really shows.

Time will tell if he is a good dad or not.

YANBU to be angry, some of your examples are downright neglectful.

Eek how wrong are we talking? Do you/any of your friends have any strategies or tips?

He does sound like he needs more practice which is annoying but the way it is. When my husband used to not wake up on his turn (we used to alternate early mornings) I wud wake him up and tell him so, then go back to bed. It’s annoying having to but at least u get to go back to sleep!

YANBU. he’s getting a full nights sleep solo, what a luxury ! Living the dream ! But he still can’t get up with your three year old in the morning ??! Outrageously lazy.
I breastfed and bedshared with all of my babies so I did all overnight wakes too. My husband slept in a separate room with the older child or children. In case they woke or needed cuddles and to get up with them at the crack of dawn and make their breakfast. So the only person waking me at night was my baby. If your husband can’t work baby monitors then he needs to sleep with 3 year old-they can wake their dad up in the morning themselves.

I'd be losing my shit. How much time does he need to adjust? How many reminders? FFS he's an adult, a husband and a father. I'd be telling him to get his shit together and stop expecting you to pick up the slack which is constant. I don't have any patience for a man-child. None. He's not acting like a partner. He's selfish and immature. He should be bending over backward to help and be jumping up to do things for and with the children without being prompted or nagged.

Christ the bar is very low with some of these responses. “He just needs to learn” - in 3 years he hasn’t figured out kids get up early and you have to get up with them?

OP YANBU, the very least he can do is step up with your eldest while you’re the one waking up overnight and doing the bulk of the baby care. It’s pathetic he hasn’t figured that out yet! Is the 3 year old coming in to you or do you just hear him before DH? Honestly that level of incompetence is such an ick.

Definitely.
I think I need to step away from threads like this, because I get so frustrated with the responses from women who's own partners are exactly the same 😖 which lets you know that most will just put up with this 💩 so there's no need for them to change .

DH stepped up as soon as DS arrived. DS is an only, according to some posters on here he would never have needed to step up as we didn’t have a second baby. Why do some people have such low bars

YANBU. He needs to put some effort in.

I think it's a lot easier for many women to presume that it's 'just how men are' rather then realise their partner is a crap dad/partner and they've set the bar low.

It's a shame though because it legitimises crap men. We deserve better and shouldn't stand for less.

There is a lot of we agreed but it all sounds very much like he isnt doing what I have decided

Oh fgs, don't imply the OP is irrational.

Well if a man is so crap with the first chile why on earth do women keep on having them

And were these men all fully functioning adults even before the first or was all their faults ignored

You see I don't think the Dad that poster discussed IS a good Dad. Get out of bed and parent your child, it really is not that difficult. If my partner behaved as you described he would be ashamed of himself. It's 50/50. That's it.

He is ok with you doing more. Is that ok with you?

Oh ffs..... practice with plugging in his charger? Give me a fucking break.

U are tired and on high alert OP.
YABU and things will get better for you all.

This. All day long. Imagine if he asks you to fill the car up with petrol, and you couldn't be bothered so you put diesel in. Well, it's at the petrol station and it's fuel so what's the problem? So, you say sorry and then he fixes it and then you do it again. Well, he aint gonna trust you to do it a third time so he never asks you again does he?
And that's the problem. Weaponised incompetence.

I remember well how things shifted a bit between DH and I, when I went back to work with my first after a year, and he had 2 days off with her per week, and began to share the nights as I wasn’t BF in the night anymore. That’s when he really started to get it. Prior to that he wasn’t awful, but he just didn’t have the experience of how ‘on it’ you need to be, when the buck stops with you.

Also I had to accept some of his ways of doing things which I wasn’t keen on. I agree with you about routine so hold firm on basic expectations, but maybe allow him a bit of time to work that all out for himself too. As others have said though, not making sure he can get up to his son - not acceptable. I get why you are testy about it! But try to have a chat when things are calm and tell him how it makes you feel, without loads of anger and blame. Explore what the problem is and come up with solutions together.