Should I move back to care for parents?

[ladynoname]

I moved away just over 10 years ago from my home town to a rural area I just liked and wanted to live, no connections but a yearning to be there.
My mum is 80 this year and her health is declining, she is also a carer to my dad who is bed bound and not able to do any self care for himself, this absolutely takes its toll on mum who I know is exhausted.
My brother still lives nearby and helps out with practical things but I feel guilty that I don’t live nearer and help.

I feel a bit torn between living long distance where I chose to live but don’t need to be and moving back to my home town and supporting my mum with dad and herself as she ages.
I am a sahm and Dh works from home so does it sound a bit selfish to stay where we are and not contribute towards their care?

Honest answer - no. This is not your responsibility, and not a reason to disrupt you and your family's lives. If your parents need care, they need to either pay for help, or contact Social Services.

Im not sure I agree with @Pedant61 Surely your parents are your family too? My view is that we all have to take some responsibility for looking after our parents, if they cared for you growing up and gave you a decent childhood. It can’t all be left to the state.

it’s a difficult one though as you moved away some time ago before they needed care and I expect you’re all very settled where you are now. How does your DH feel about moving? Do his parents need help/ are they likely to in the future?

Totally agree with what @Pedant61 said. You can arrange care for your parents from where you are. You should not do the actual care.
I am much nearer your mother’s age than yours and I certainly don’t want my children altering their lives in any way when I become infirm. We have talked about it.

@ladynoname
Firstly, I am not sure which way your voting goes. Secondly, you might try getting this thread put on the elderly parents topic within MN. You will get more support on there.

How far away are you? Do regular visits and help as much as you can from a distance but don’t uproot your life.

I agree with @Pedant61

You have a life where you are. You may not be able to do lots of care but perhaps visit for a weekend and sort stuff out? They can use carers or pay for cleaners gardeners etc. or visit one day a week or something?

my take is what would happen if you lived the other side of the world? You wouldn’t be coming back

yes there is a school of thought children should help their parents as the parents brought them up but those children also have their own lives and responsibilities unlike the parents who only had to worry about the children as they grew up.

What plans did they put in place for their elder years ? Caring would be exhausting and possibly for years so don’t do that to yourself .

Op don’t uproot your life for this, to a certain extent it’s up to individuals to plan properly for their own care as they age. I fully intend to exonerate my own kids from doing a damn thing. Women (especially) who do as you're thinking of usually end up resentful, poorer, drained and miserable. It’ll majorly fall to you to take on the care, if another male family member believes there’s a chance you will. It’s how society is wired, not necessarily a slight on that specific individual. If you are happy in your setting and your own family is settled do not feel you should.

I think you should stop focussing on what the right thing to do is; and instead look at what you want to do.

I suspect you just want to stay where you are?

No.

Your priority is your own family and your own life.

If you move you will stuck in a carer role for two people potentially for years in a place you don't want to live in and you will have uprooted your own family.

If your parents are struggling they need to consider home carers or wether they can still live independently.

It depends on relationships. We moved back to my home area to help look after my parents, but it depends on how they were and are.

Social Services care is inadequate snd not much good.

I moved in advance because I knew my parents would age. That time has now come.

One is dead and the other is immobile, in/out of hospital etc

Like a PP, I feel duty bound. I want to because I feel compelled to, I love her and state social services are not adequate and at times not even kind. But my god it is hard.

My mum would do anything for me. There is no one on this planet who will ever love me more than my mum.

Caveat - i do not have children nor a husband.

Your home is elsewhere now and you have OH and child to consider. You are happy where you are and I am sure that is what your mum and dad would want.

You need to talk with your brother about what contribution you can make from a distance so that he is not doing everything.

I had a similar situation - my sister was 150 miles from me and living near our parents, so the bulk of the practical support came from her and her OH. We talked about how I could help, but the fact of me living further away was a given. I did most of the arrangements for care at home from a distance - I had career experience as a social worker - and dealt with the funding issues around that.I dealt with the benefits. I also used to talk with my dad on the phone every week about his shopping and I would do this online for him and have it delivered - I had his bank card details.

My sister picked up in the spot problems that arose and visited far more than I did as she was so close.

It worked out well. She did not feel I was ducking out of my responsibilities and not pulling my weight - we communicated openly together.

I would not. You have a life in an area that you CHOSE to live, OP, with a young family of your own. Can you really take on the responsibility of taking care of two adults, potentially for years to come?

I've seen this play out in my own family. It was very limiting, for all of us, as well as stressful and difficult (partly because my grandfather did not want anyone else caring for him; it was the family's responsibility... but we were all working full-time, with families and pets and houses to run, and effectively had no life because we were running around after him). If anything, it cemented the thought of, "I don't want this life". It sounds awful, but I couldn't take on the care of others in addition to the responsibilities of the time... and I do not regret moving away and getting some distance from all of that, because there is only so much that one person can take on at a time.

Don’t do it. I promise you it’ll swallow you up.

Arrange external care

There is an elderly parent section on MN

What would happen if your DM is no longer able to care for your DF ?

Do you have power of attorney health & wealth for both parents. You can set it up ready to use in the future.

Do your parents have wills ?

Does your DF claim attendance allowance, it is not means tested
If not it should be applied for

www.gov.uk
Search power of attorney
You can do it yourself with a printer & witness

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

Whenever I see threads like these I always think, if it were you in your parents situation and your child didn’t want to be involved in your care for whatever reason, how would you feel?

This has really shocked me. Assuming they weren’t cruel or abusive in any way, you’d have to be a really bloody cold sort of person to just turn your back on them. I mean, I’m not saying she should give up work and leave her own family to look after them, but to just leave them to it with no help at all seems brutal. Do you not have a good relationship with your parents?

OP, I think you should talk to your brother and find out how he feels about the future. Is he adamant they won’t be going into a home? Or is he struggling to keep up? If he thinks it’s getting to the stage where they need more support than he can provide, I think you could offer to help him have that discussion with your parents and then help him sort out the practicalities of finding them a place together and selling their home to pay for it, or arranging for carers to go in and sorting out an equity release to pay for it. There doesn’t seem to be much point in worrying about moving until you know how everyone feels.

Be cautious. Think very carefully about what you could do to help. I am a single sahm and f/t care-giver for my mum who has complex needs. I am exhausted.
I would suggest helping to arrange a needs assessment for both of your parents first and then decide how to help

I don't have answers op but I'm in a similar position and I feel a huge amount of guilt that I can't help day to day. Unfortunately I'm 3 hours away and have a young child and full time job, so it's not as simple as upping and leaving, as I'm sure it isn't for you. I know my parents wouldn't want me to have dismantled my life (and certainly not their grandchild's) to care for them but they were good parents and I'd like to be there for them more than I am. So no answers, but I understand how hard it is.

No don’t disrupt your kids’ lives and move them/their schools etc just so you can spend less time with them, burning yourself out caring for everyone. It’s shit but your parents have your brother. Most men wouldn’t tie themselves in knots over this. From experience it’s a really shit gig being a mum and a carer of the elderly at the same time.

I give my children a good start in life so they can fly, not so they tie themselves to me when I’m unable to do things. I hope most parents feel the same these days.

@TheFormerMrsTruelove what if its the parents that reject the family trying to help? Not everyone is willing to accept help or care. My mum was ill, i offered to move back home to help her. Got told to bugger off. My dad looked after her but he had a breakdown in the end. Finally she accepted she needed help but she got more and more ill and ended up in a nursing home.
Looking after someone at home is never an easy option.