AIBU to feel sad about being one-and-done as my son grows up?

[HeatherAndHoney]

I’m feeling unexpectedly emotional about my DS finishing Key Stage 1 and moving up to Key Stage 2.

He’s my only child, and for a variety of reasons (including my mental health), I’ve always been firmly one-and-done.
The thing is, I’m completely happy with that decision. I love my son more than anything, but I genuinely cannot think of anything I would want less than having another baby. I had a very difficult time after he was born and became so mentally unwell that I almost didn’t survive it. The idea of going through pregnancy, birth and the baby stage again fills me with dread rather than longing. I’m not broody and never have been since having him.
Yet whenever someone announces they’re expecting their second child, I feel a little pang of sadness. It doesn’t happen when people announce their first baby, only their second. I’m always genuinely happy for them, but I’m left wondering why I feel sad.

Most recently, someone I know has announced she’s expecting her second child at 45. I’m 37, and although I have absolutely no desire for another child, I found myself feeling emotional about it. Not jealous exactly, because I don’t want what she has. More a sadness that I don’t feel the way many people seem to feel about having more children.

I almost wish I wanted another child, even though I know I don’t. It feels like having a second child is often seen as the “normal” next step, and sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me for not wanting that. At the same time, I know emotionally, practically and financially another child would not be the right choice for me.

I’m wondering if what I’m actually feeling is grief that certain stages of my son’s childhood are ending. As he leaves KS1, I’m very aware that this is the last time I’ll experience these milestones. There won’t be another first day in Reception and no new little school uniform.

Has anyone else who is happily one-and-done experienced this? Did you feel sad about not having another child despite being completely certain you didn’t actually want one?

I've got 2 dc but I can connect to having a sense of sadness that my baby days were over, even though I was absolutely certain I didn't want to have another dc.

I thought it was about the loss of possibility. And maybe hormones.

I don't think it's ever unreasonable to feel the way you feel, we're all entitled to our feelings!

I think feeling broody is totally normal however many kids you have, and however rationally you don't want anymore. I have three and was boody for more until I hit menopause. I most definitely didn't want anymore.

I’m just wondering if it’s a sign because of just having the one and whether I should try and start over again but the gap of 8/9 years feels extremely daunting. I just don’t want to reach menopause and actually regret not doing it and by then it’ll be too late.

My son finished primary school this week and I’ve found it very hard, he will never get that again and neither will I. I have a younger daughter and I will feel the same when it’s her turn. Another child wouldn’t change how you feel about your current one, you’d still only get his milestones once. Part of me wishes I had several more kids because I love having kids and watching them grow can be better sweet, but I’d still never get to do the same milestones twice with the same kid. Just allow yourself to feel it and move on, and look forward to the next stage, it’s a privilege getting to watch your children grow wether you have one child or 5

I don’t think you are feeling broody. This is totally normal. As we age our lives feel as if time is moving faster. There’s a scientific basis for that as we form less neural pathways with less new experiences versus kids who experience newness everyday and therefore childhood feels slower / longer when we are children. As we age we begin to accept our mortality and part of that natural process is accepting the reality that everything changes. This is brought into sharp focus when we mark things like end of the school year, christmasses, milestones etc.

I have an only son too, who is 6 going on 16. I feel the same as you but definitely not broody. I also feel similar sadness when I see the seasons turn and notice how other things like places, friends, etc continue to change. But I also take comfort that this is the natural order of things, and I try to let the lesson be to remain present, enjoy my times with my son, and put my smartphone away. That’s just my take!

I only had one son ( he's grown up now) and now I regret not having another. At the time we had very good reasons for sticking with one but now I wish he had a sibling. Siblings don't always bring joy I know. I also think I wouldn't be so obsessed with his life if I had more than one .

It feels like a mixture of two things. It's absolutely normal to feel sad as children pass milestones, but is not to do with whether it's your first or fifth child. My middle one finishes primary today and he is super ready to move on, but it brings home that 7 years of his life have passed in what suddenly feels like the blink of an eye and I feel sad today. Having another child is a way of experiencing miselstones like that again, but they'll still be sad when they come round with any subsequent children. It sounds like you know having one is right for you.

The passing of time can feel very emotional. My youngest is leaving infants today. When my eldest left infants, I was a bit emotional, but still had another one there. Now my youngest is leaving, again I'm a bit sad, but I also know what the next stage looks like. I imagine with 1 child, it makes each thing feel more final, as it's your only journey through each stage. I do often just want to pause time and keep them at this age, but then the next age is lots of fun too.

He is going into year 3, not leaving home. You have at least 11 more years of him under your feet before he could potentially emigrate never to be seen again!
Relax OP

I think we are hugely influenced in what we desire by others. I guess that’s how advertising works. I am one of only a minority of friends with more than one child but I can quite see it everyone around me was having another baby I’d feel like I wanted one!

That’s not what she’s saying, come on!

No effing way. I'm one of 5 and my DH is one of 3. Both of us only wanted 1. There were times where I may for a very brief moment thought maybe another, but did is now nearly 18 and what a bloody lovely life we have. Not 1 regret

I couldn't have been arsed with another. Even though DH and I are close to our siblings, we've given our child an upbringing we could never have dreamed of.

She is not spoiled btw, but we are just normal working class people and the experiences we've given her, could not have happened with 2 kids. Things we were never able to do as children.

We adore our gang of 3

It's natural to feel sad that a part of their childhood is over no matter how many children you have. I have 2 and my youngest finished preschool this week. I shed a tear on his last day even though I'm currently pregnant and will be dropping another off at the same preschool in 2 1/2 years. It's wonderful seeing them grow up but it's ok to be sad a stage is over if you've enjoyed it. I don't think that necessarily means you want another child.

I felt exactly the same for a while, OP. I think it must be just some sort of biological clock/biological pull (we’re the same age).

What fixes it for me is when I hang out with people my age with multiple kids. No way I’d be wanting to deal with all of that all over again, I’m always so glad to go back to my peace and quiet.

Not to make your post all about me OP, but I often feel the same. I have health issues that made trying for a second high risk, yet we did, twice - and sadly both times ended in miscarriage. I both wanted another baby, and I didn’t (health risks, birth risks, £££, the world is on fire most of the time, I’m bloody tired) - so now watching my son move through all these milestones is bittersweet in a sometimes very painful way.

I want him to take it all in and understand that these are some of his best days. I don’t want him to grow up and change, but I also want him to grow up and live his life. There’s the grief of knowing I’ll never get to do all this again, and the relief of knowing I won’t as well!

In many ways, I’m ok with being one and done. But that doesn’t mean you can’t also wonder (or grieve to some extent) what might have been, even if it would have been hard or not what you wanted 100%.

I just try to accept my somewhat confusing feelings about it all, be grateful for the happy growing boy I have, and be thankful for the fact I didn’t have to have another episiotomy.

I only have one OP, and it wasn’t entirely by choice - we would have liked a second, had two losses one of which was extremely traumatic and we decided to draw a line after that to protect my mental health as I didn’t feel I wanted another one enough to risk going through so much again. I do sometimes feel like you, but my DS is now 10 and the last few years have been so golden - DS much more self sufficient, out of the trenches of early morning wake ups etc, not yet hit the hormonal moody years etc and he is such good company, I honestly can’t imagine now what our family would be like if we had another one. We’re going away tomorrow and I can’t wait, holidays with him are just idyllic. So I’m happy with how things have turned out, and while time passing can be sad I also look forward to each “next stage” with him.

It's possible to feel sad to miss out on the good bits (especially if the choice wasn't 100% in your control) whilst still overall knowing that it was the right idea to have one.

I was only borderline about having a child at all, and my son is absolutely delightful, but we're sticking at one, and occasionally I feel sad.

But the sadness makes the very good reasons not to have a second invalid. And remember, if you had had a second, you'd have more than likely had negative emotions about that at some point.

So you're choosing between two options, both with pluses and minuses. Not just "I sometimes feel sad" Vs "life would be perfect with two".

I have three would have loved another - but poor maternity care during pg and birth meant DH and I were never broody at same time as that experience loomed. Then we moved to house where they all had their own rooms and youngest hit 7 and we both knew we were done with time think it was right choice as resouces would have been too stretched.

Still get upset sometime with milestones - still occaionally look round for the forth child after clocking three we have.

Try and think of it postively - MIL had one and couldn't seem to wait for him to grow up and be independent -though my Dmum was the same - not sure either enjoyed the time or made the most of it. So feeling sad at milestonse does give push to make the most of it all.

One of DD2 friend is an only - the parents like IL seem to have more social life left (and money) than we do with more kids.

I have a 9 almost 10 year gap between my last and the one before. Last was born when I was in my mid 30s

Its lovely to have them, but it is like a second family. As our older kids have moved on, went to college etc, we are looking at primary options, still ferrying to matches and dance classes, dealing with the pre teens shenanigans that life brings.

I would not change for the world, she was my choice to have and I love her dearly, but my energy levels were completely different to the first time. If you truly want one and are able then sure but maybe just make sure its not broodiness. My uterus glows every time a new baby is mentioned but its not happening!

I know what you mean. I have a DS and have no desire to have another. But I do feel sad when I think it won’t be long before he doesn’t want to hold my hand crossing the road anymore and things like that, so I won’t have that feeling again.

A little.part of my heart wishes id had a third ! But on the other hand I'm desperate for the exhausting teen years to end.....

It will feel emotional watching them grow and change however many you have.

Happily one and done for potentially similar reasons to you @HeatherAndHoney but I recognise the feelings you describe including feeling slightly “other” for not wanting/having a second and a slight sadness/questioning when the bit milestone moments happen. I sit with it for a moment until I remember I’m 42 and can literally imagine nothing worse than starting over with a baby!

Perhaps what you wish for is a belief that your mental health would be better second time round, if you were to have another child.

You are 37. Hormone levels are changing, getting broody for a last chance baby is not uncommon. It's the "what ifs?" kicking in. What is sensible and planned and what is hormones speaking can be so different. I wanted a third child. So bloody glad I didn't now. Mine have just finished school and college and I couldn't face another two years of school. It was really not at all sensible at all in any shape or form , yet I still wanted a third.

You really really don't want to be doing menopause and puberty at the same time in the same house.

Risks of disability increase. You definitely don't want to be doing that either.

Juggling two lots of clubs/activities/age groups is not fun either.

The desire to have more and wishing I had more went away with menopause.

I'm an only child. Sometimes I wished for a sibling but it was generally better without. Both my parents came from larger families and one definitely didn't like it.

It's not so uncommon these days either to just have one.

Wow. This is me. I have one child, a son who is 24 and he’s just left home. It’s made me wish I’d had another because it’s been a huge change to my life. I was so focussed on him, Im not sure who I really am now he’s not living with me.
its getting easier, Im having to find out who I am again and do more things with my husband!