To feel like I’m going insane

[KatieRobin]

Long term relationship marriage 22 years with a man who is clearly extremely narcissistic. I’ve tried and tried, nothing can be right. His behaviour is awful and he even lost his job due to his behaviour towards women crossing the line. Still despite all his wrongdoing somehow I’m always in the wrong?

It’s so hard to explain and I can’t believe this is my life. He has minimised his actions for so long I feel almost brainwashed into not trusting my reactions, as im constantly told im overreacting. I actually feel like I’ve under reacted for so long due to fear of my reaction being weaponised against me and being called crazy.

I’m a professional person and he uses that against me to say no one would believe me if I spoke about his treatment of me. everyday I’m belittled, or ignored or shouted sworn at. He says nobody would want me. He’s the kindest person to everyone else though. I feel like I’m begging for basic human kindness and it’s degrading. I’ve been in it so long, that I feel like I cannot trust my instincts or perception anymore and maybe I am just overreacting. He says I deserve the treatment and that all I do is cry. Why am I so pathetic in this area of my life.i feel like I’m going insane.

OP, he hates you. And is abusing you. Do you have kids?

I left someone like this. It was the best thing I've ever done and now life is good. It's fantastic being free.

Contact Women’s Aid - you are in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t have to be physical abuse.

Please find the courage to leave, I know it’s not and won’t be easy, but his behaviour is vile and I’m sure you haven’t even scratched the surface with how he really is.

Do you have any friends or family you can go to?

I agree. You need their advice. I think the physical boundary crossing (like the manacing squeeze of the back of the neck) is a warning sign.

Do not get pregnant with his child,

Maybe take some time and write each of those sentences out somewhere safe (password protected note on your phone maybe) and then write the evidence for and against each one, to help you evaluate more clearly?

I disagree with the need to evaluate. I think it’s dawning on the OP she is in fact in an abusive relationship.

OP, you are not alone and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I think you need to write down incidences with time and date just in case.

A normal relationship is one where, yes there’s the occassional argument, but in all cases there is commitment and love to one another. This includes not just words of kindness and love, but also small acts of kindness and love. Sure, the sexual attraction might wane a little over time as hormones deplete, but there should still be genuine affection. Love is like a plant and you have to take care of it. This guy is stamping on the plant repeatedly.

Your last post sent chills through me. And I would imagine you have lots more awful stories like that. Please leave before this destroys you.

The good thing is you have a job, hopefully you can rent somewhere and move out. I often read on here that abusers prevent their victims from working so they can't leave easily without money. As the above poster says he's conditioned you to think you need him. You don't, write yourself a list of all the things he's done and look at it when you falter.

Thank you. It’s as though he relishes making me feel
powerless, like with what he did at the restaurant. He will call me names in front of others too as a ‘joke’ so I can’t react. When I try to explain it’s not ok he says I’m controlling ( that’s his current go to) creating drama and too sensitive and need to get over it.

He says everyone thinks I’m crazy. The reality is I do a very professional job day to day, but my reality behind closed doors is far from what people would expect. I don’t know if I can even say some of the things because I don’t think I can face what I’ve let happen to me. It’s as though my home life is so far removed from what is thought. He uses that as a weapon against me. If something bad has happened at home but then I have to go and show up at a work meeting he will say what happened can’t be that bad then can it because you went to your meeting?

I’m crying reading your comments. Thank you.

I've been there. Leave him. Men like this don't change.

I feel so much Shame though. A humongous disconnect between what I show the world and what is really going on. The shame is eating me up. I know it should not. I know the only person I’ve hurt all these years is myself by staying. I’ve felt so broken down internally though. Almost brainwashed. I’m at the point now where it’s causing huge brain fog and self loathing. All the times I’ve painted on a smile because he knew I wouldn’t speak out and that I fear not being believed as he’s already begun a smear campaign against me, and it feels frightening to stay but also to leave.

You need to go, it may seem impossible now but it’s not and the fact that you’ve posted here means you’ve already started your journey to a wonderful peaceful new life without him. You can do this but it will be difficult and frightening. There are people here who can help you. He will never change and he is abusing you. It’s not your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed about. You have started your journey what needs to happen next? We are with you …..

This in spades.

We believe in you OP. You don’t need to feel any shame. Him wiping fish oil through your hair is such disgusting behaviour and the squeeze to your neck is physical abuse and threatening imo. You may not see it but I do wonder if his friends do see his behaviour - in the “jokes” he makes about you etc.