To feel like I’m going insane

[KatieRobin]

Long term relationship marriage 22 years with a man who is clearly extremely narcissistic. I’ve tried and tried, nothing can be right. His behaviour is awful and he even lost his job due to his behaviour towards women crossing the line. Still despite all his wrongdoing somehow I’m always in the wrong?

It’s so hard to explain and I can’t believe this is my life. He has minimised his actions for so long I feel almost brainwashed into not trusting my reactions, as im constantly told im overreacting. I actually feel like I’ve under reacted for so long due to fear of my reaction being weaponised against me and being called crazy.

I’m a professional person and he uses that against me to say no one would believe me if I spoke about his treatment of me. everyday I’m belittled, or ignored or shouted sworn at. He says nobody would want me. He’s the kindest person to everyone else though. I feel like I’m begging for basic human kindness and it’s degrading. I’ve been in it so long, that I feel like I cannot trust my instincts or perception anymore and maybe I am just overreacting. He says I deserve the treatment and that all I do is cry. Why am I so pathetic in this area of my life.i feel like I’m going insane.

This won't get any better until you leave him

He sounds like a complete c**t. Leave him. You will immediately feel about a million times better.

He swings between saying he wants to leave me he hates me, can’t stand me etc etc and then saying something bad will happen to me if I do leave. He’s a horrible person. I just feel like he’s warped my brain and my reality for so long. Feel drained and lost.

Have you experienced anything like this?

Sounds like my ex. I eventually did get out and it’s the best thing I ever did. I am slowly getting myself back. See a lawyer op - please.

I don’t know why your response is making me emotional

Only when I came out of my marriage did I actually realise how bad, insanely bad it actually was. You are being by abused.
Took me a long time to get out, I had a kid in primary school.
10 years down the line, I’m sitting on a terrace in the Alps, with a strong coffee and a fresh croissant, sketching the landscape. My mortgage is nearly paid off (5 more years), my DD just FaceTimed me from her holiday to check I’m ok, my best friends are waiting for me with a BBQ tomorrow afternoon when I come back from the airport and I just bought a fabulous silk scarf. Don’t know and don’t care how my ExH is, he couldn’t be further from my mind. Just saying. You’ll be alright. Get out.

What is keeping you in your marriage, @KatieRobin?

I’m starting to realise it’s bad. I’ve barely touched the surface in what I’ve said in my post. Why do we do that? Like I’m keeping his secrets and holding the shame. I feel so ashamed of how I’ve let someone treat me and so weak. He’s started telling others that I’m doing the things that he is actually doing and it’s beyond comprehension to me. It is sick and twisted. I feel trapped in his web.

You're far from pathetic. He's just worn you down. Please get rid x

That’s what abusers do. It’s not your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t react. There is a phrase on MN that sums up what you need to do: get your ducks in a row. He is using The Script.

You feel drained and lost and unable to leave precisely because that’s how he wants you to feel and that’s what abuse does.

but you know it’s wrong and you want to get out otherwise you wouldn’t have posted here! I’d make a promise to yourself that you will get away.

Can you ready Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” It’s really helpful to gain some clarity. It’s available as a free pdf if you google. Then start taking small steps towards getting out. Maybe make a list of things to do to get away - see a solicitor, research rentals etc.

Very well done - rebuilding your life after abuse is no easy thing, you deserve every good thing that comes your way. @KatieRobin you too deserve good things, but that won’t happen while you’re with someone who abuses you.

I don’t know. All the years I’ve put in? Hope he will change. I know he won’t. Fear of the smear campaign he’s already stewing up. Fear of his wrath. Fear I’ve somehow overreacted and that it’s not really that bad. Something has warped my brain over all these years. Being taught not to trust yourself, not to get angry, not to react, not to ask questions, to not react when he puts me down ( he says it’s a joke and I’m too sensitive ) in front of others. I feel like I’m not working at full capacity

What’s the script?

thank you. I feel bad posting, like I’m somehow betraying him. I can’t fathom this area of my life. The rest of it is ok, but I can’t deny it’s bleeding into everything as I’m like a zombie and I feel it’s impacting my work now. I know he’s not a good person, but I still want him to treat me with some sort of decency. It doesn’t even make any sense to me. Nobody will believe me as he plays the nice guy impeccably. 22 yrs wasted. I’ll take a look at the book thank you

@BuddhaAtSea that is amazing! What a life!

The script is usually when someone is cheating though. Do you suspect there could be someone else OP?
Thing is though, if hes always been like this then he just sounds like a nasty person. Get away and rebuild your life before you waste anymore years.

Thank you. I definitely feel worn down. While he’s off having a great time. He has no conscience or empathy. It’s very strange x

He’s always been like it but I only found out a few yrs into our relationship. He’d pulled the wool over my eyes. I thought he was the same person all his friends think he is now, so I can understand why people would struggle to comprehend the true version of him that I deal with. When he gets angry I e seen his eyes actually turn black. I sound insane even saying that I know. I don’t think there’s another woman, not one he’s having a full on affair with anyway. He likes to have women friends and then tell them lies about me. He likes to have female friends and shout at me if I ask anything about them.

Don’t make it 23, 24, 25 years wasted.

This.

Thank you. Last weekend we were out with two other couples at a restaurant. He had eaten pizza with extra anchovies and oil on it, with his hands. He then leant across to me ( apparently in a loving gesture ) and started stroking his hands through my hair. I jumped when I realised what he was doing which was him smirking while he wiped the fishy oil through my hair. It was the look on his face. He knew what he was doing. When I jumped he laughed and full on changed his expression to lighthearted to pretend we were having some sort of jokey loving attentive moment. Then he did this thing as though I’d rejected him a sort of eyebrow raise rolling of the eyes to the table about me. A few moments later he put his hand on the back of my neck so it just looked nice and loving, but he squeezed tightly and chuckled. I don’t know why I’m writing this.

Reading your posts is reminding me what I used to deal with (and I wasted 25 years on him). It was horrible. I remember the feeling of being trapped so clearly. The thing is, when I finally plucked up the courage to see a lawyer and get rid, I realised I wasn’t trapped at all. It was my conditioning from years of control and abuse from him. When his car left the drive for the last time, I cannot express the feeling of relief I had op. It took my breath away it was so strong. Please take that step, you won’t regret it.

@KatieRobin the more you write the worse he sounds. Get out. His behaviour is chilling.