AIBU to expect DD’s Dad to contribute to school trip?

[Letsaddanother]

DD 13 came home from school yesterday super excited with details of her school trip residential yesterday a 5 day trip to Paris, costing around £900 due by April next year with a £250 deposit due by September this year.
A bit of background - I’m a single parent with 2 DD’s, working full time and money is tight. Split with DD’s Dad almost 4 years ago, he pays me the grand sum of £100 per month because he fiddles his tax and only declares that he earns the minimum, lives with his parents still and is almost 50. He’s refused to sell the family home so still pays the mortgage on its, it’s a very small mortgage.

I messaged him with details and cost of the trip, saying let’s split it between u and if he could let me know when he’ll send me his half so we can get it booked for her. He’s replied with ‘take it off the mortgage payments that I make’ I said the house and our daughter are 2 totally seperate issues to which he replied that ‘You don’t understand it’s actually all about the house’
I suggested if he doesn’t like making the mortgage payments then perhaps he can get in touch with the estate agents and sign the paperwork to let me put it on the market. I’ve had the photos taken, estate agent has the keys, my side of the paper work is all signed and has been ready to go for the last 3 years! It’s just so frustrating!!

is it totally wrong of me to expect him to contribute towards school trips?
I completely paid for last years residential on my own, without asking him for a penny.

Yes he should pay, but you can’t force him.
is the house in your name too?

Yanbu to want to share costs. But £900 for 5 days in Paris is a rip off. I understand its all about the experience but you need to decide if its really worth it if finances are already tight.

It just seems so unfair that he could refuse to pay for a trip for his own daughter. I wouldn’t be able to say no to paying half for a trip and not feel guilty for it.
I just feel so sorry for her that he would let her miss out on a trip just because he won’t coparent with me.

yes, the house is in both our names, which is why I can’t sell it without his signature.

Unfortunately, his child maintenance covers all of his perceived share of raising kids (which is ridiculous and doesn’t even cover the basics/nursery costs so don’t get me started on that) so he can refuse and there’s not much you can do.

Obviously if he was reasonable he would want to pay half because his child would be a priority but you can’t make him so you’re a bit stuck with either paying or saying no 😔

There is a much bigger issue

You need to sort out the post split finances

Were you married - if so divorce and a financial order

Do you own a property jointly if so you can force a sale

Get on to the CMS about undisclosed income

We weren’t married, no.
I’ve been to see solicitors and trying to force a sale is too costly and not really worth it. I’ve tried to force the sale myself by refusing to pay the mortgage thinking that may work but it’s been 3 years now.

Can I get onto the CMS about undisclosed income? I thought that would be tax evasion as he’s self employed? I know how much he was earning when we were together and now he’s only putting earnings through at 12.5k a year, so that I don’t get any child maintenance. If he has her even one night over the amount stated he calls them and has it adjusted.

From the other things you say, it doesn't sound surprising sadly. If someone abandons their family and fiddles tax, as you say, well obviously I don't know him, but...
Take her yourself, maybe with a mate, on the ferry. It'll probably be much cheaper.

How is he even qualifying for a mortgage on that amount a year? He does realise if he wants to buy another house he wont be able too because of his "income"

Anyway I would message back saying ok I will tell our child you wont help out so they cant go (dont actually do it) hopefully he will want to help out when he realises not helping diminishes him in front of his child

As an aside op, if he is paying the entire mortgage now, and your money is tight, how do you plan on paying your own mortgage/rent if you do sell?

should he pay half? Of course. Is he going to? No, because he’s clearly an arsehole.

He is being very unreasonable however £900 to Paris is ridiculously expensive my dc’s school trip to New York was not much more than this.

He will, if he’s a contractor, he can get a contractor mortgage via brokers which is based your day rate. They understand that contractors have to be creative with their books.

he’s an awful person though

Do you live in the jointly owned home?

There are a lot of threads about CMS and either undisclosed income, dividends, declared income incompatible with lifestyle etc.

See, read and act OR set up a new thread asking for advice.

But he's just building up trouble for himself by refusing to sell the jointly owned home. You might manage to get a free advice session with a solicitor or manage to force the sale yourself. Again I am sure some people here will have done it themselves sol perhaps another thread you could start?

Lay out whats happened what the documents say etc

My dad always paid half of all school trips, uniform, bought most of my clothes and tech items as I grew up. I found out as an adult he only paid my mum £100 a month in CM but she didn’t mind too much because he contributed in this way and it helped her.

It would be nice of him to offer but you sadly can’t force it. Most children don’t attend these expensive trips. I find the secondary trips abroad are really overpriced for what they offer. My DC’s school offer a GCSE geography/ history one to either New York or Iceland and it’s about 2k for 3 days not including food. I decided to take DS to NYC on my own and paid the same for 2 of us with food for slightly longer.

I would tell my dd that her dad won’t pay for it. She’s old enough to be mad at him for being a shit dad.

At that price, unless you live in a very wealthy area, loads of families won’t be able to afford it so she won’t be alone not going.

Are you still not paying the mortgage or did you stop briefly to force his hand then continue paying your half when he didn’t budge on selling? Do you know why he won’t sell? It sounds very odd.

If he’s paying the full whack you’re on shakier ground as he’s paying for the roof over all of your heads, no matter how low the amount, and technically he doesn’t even need to pay the child support he’s paying is he’s declaring such low income.

If she can’t go she can’t go.

Sadly as you aren’t married you can’t force the sale of house as my friend has found out

yes be lovely if ex’s paid half of All extras. They don’t

you haven’t had a lot of notice of trip

our yr 6 is £650 but had 3yrs notice to pay

DS rarely goes on these trips because a grand for a few days in Paris is silly. I would understand if Dad were objecting because of that. In which case, it's up to you to pay or not.

I would bite the bullet and force the house sale.

Absolutely see if you can get more money from CMS.

He’s still refusing to help with the trip but has agreed to try mediation to try and move forward on the house sale. Whether he actually does it or not, we will wait and see.

He also told me today that he’s a good Dad and always puts our daughter first - I said I would give him my opinion on his parenting!

I’ve told her. I’m not going to hide it from her that he refuses to pay half for the trip

Remember to tell her a lot of 2 parent families can't afford these ridiculous expensive trips.

Yes to this, honestly. The majority of kids don’t go on the trips, only the wealthiest.

The trip is ridiculously expensive! The other option was Iceland at £1400 or the Peak District at £885 😳

Sorry I would not be saying things like that to my child even if the dad was shit. Kids don’t need to be brought into all of the financial side of things. How is her relationship with him?

Yes and most children don't attend.