Is it true to get over someone you have to get under someone

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Do you think it’s true you need to get under someone to get over someone? split with my ex many years ago (I won’t say how long as it was a really long time) but in that time I still feel like I’ve never really got over him, I think about him a lot still and wonder what could have been or what he is up to. I sometimes feel like im still living in the past and haven’t “moved on.” A few people have said to me the reason is because I haven’t met anyone else, and that I need to “get under someone to get over someone” do you think this is true? Does this actually work to make you move on? I’ve never really been one for a fling or causal sex and haven’t wanted to date but also hate that im “not over him” but is it the only way some people get over someone?

No not really because lots of people are glad to split with their ex. It sounds like you were not keen to split but he left you. It's hard to know if that's because you still owe him or just feeling raw from being jilted. There's no guarantee that starting a relationship with someone new will fix these feelings.

I think it works. Seems to break a psychological thread plus you feel desired by someone new and it’s usually fun.

Someone or someTHING.

New man, new job, new house, new hobby, relocation....

I don’t think a new hobbies gonna quite cut it lol

Thats a good point, being desired by someone else

I think it can help, but it's not guaranteed. And in cases where you only do it to 'get back' at the other person and show them how desirable you are it can even make it worse, because the process of finding someone new is all done with the focus on the ex.

Do what makes you happy.

I think it does help, but not too soon.

When I've tried it in the throes of heartbreak I have just felt a lot worse.

I think it can be easy to lose touch with the sensual side of yourself if you go a very long time without it in your life.

Mixed votes then, well they say times a healer but it’s made no difference! Anyone done it and regretted it or not?

When my boyfriend finished with me, I had a one night stand within days. It made me feel like shit tbh.
I think a holiday romance would work though. Sun, sand, a few cocktails and a handsome stranger for a few nights.

It would only be true if the ex you’re getting over was a short term, mostly sexual relationship.

Not so much if it’s a 25yr marriage with children.

Yeah I just got the next lunatic off the rank.

Not 25 years 6 years.. but after 25 years of marriage I think a lot of people might have a quick fling

Do you have adhd? I struggle to get over stuff and I have it.

No. I don’t think it’s true that you have to shag someone to get over a break up. You just move on, respect yourself and live your best life.

I have wondered this, but for different reasons, not diagnosed though and probably wouldn’t seek it now

I just accept that I will always be affected by any emotional upheavals in my life.

If you’re pinning your ability to get over someone on whether someone else fancies you then you’re not really getting over them. You need to get over them yourself, with or without a new option on the horizon.

The “get under someone else” adage is really for people in the immediate aftermath of a breakup as a distraction- as PP said getting under something, anything, is the same idea.

If it’s been many years and you’re still hung up on them then (kindly) you need therapy, not a shag.

Dont want therapy, cant think of anything worse than sitting and discussing this with a stranger 🤣 at least mumsnet is anonymous

No. It's obviously true being in a good new relationship can help, but just sex could leave you feeling worse/cause you other issues. Too many people have tried this and can't think of any who have actually felt better mentally.

Dont want to date or have a relationship, cant really see myself with anyone else

I mean I think it depends on what you want op.

If you want a relationship in your life then I think you do what you need to do in order to get yourself back out there. That might involve counselling to help you process the loss of the relationship you had. But I would say that meeting other men and dating etc can help you realise there are other nice men out there, you might realise that you want things that your ex actually didn't provide and all of that is useful information whether you sleep with someone or not. So I do think there's a logic to it.

It sounds like if its been years and you're still holding back and ruminating on this then something is obviously blocking you and maybe some form of talking therapy might help you feel ready to take that leap.

I did after my marriage broke down and it was helpful for preparing me to date again and then when i did date again it was helpful for processing everything that came up for me even though it was never anything serious or intimate.

I don’t want to date i was more thinking if a casual fling helps

If you won’t entertain therapy then no, I don’t think a fling will help you magically get over an ex you’re still harbouring feelings for several years later.

Nope.

No.