AIBU to expect less swearing from my sonand more support from my husband?

[NewNeighbour007]

I’m pissed off with my husband.
And I really can’t be arsed to speak to him about it today. I’m fuming.

Basically - our 16-year-old boy is growing up. I get that. He is hanging out with his mates a lot more out of the house. He’s finished his GCSEs. He’s cutting loose. That’s all cool.

However. His language has started to slide. I have heard the odd swearword slip in and I’ve let it pass. It does jar for me. But I get he’s getting older. He’s always been polite, respectful and well spoken until the last few months. People always comment on how eloquent he is. We are not super strict parents and have always led with love and setting an example, rather than punishment.

However, yesterday during the football he was shouting and swearing at the TV in front of his 13-year-old brother and me and he was doing it quite a lot and quite aggressively.

Saying things like a certain player was a wanker and shouting fuck off at the ref.

I didn’t like it. So just before halftime, I asked nicely if he could dial down the swearing.

He snapped back at me that he was expressing himself. And it was his right to express himself. And didn’t he want me to express himself?

I said I didn’t say that, but if the only way that he could express himself was through swear words then that showed a limited vocabulary. My younger son quietly agreed under his breath.

That older son said are you saying I’ve got a limited vocabulary? I didn’t bother answering.

I looked at my husband for support and he didn’t support me.

My youngest son asked that we don’t argue whilst the football was on.

So I sat there in silence for a minute or two. And then got up and walked out to the kitchen to get a bit of distance.

My husband then followed me out when they had a hydration break. I said I didn’t feel supported. And he said he didn’t support me.

That him and me swear, although I said I don’t swear that much and he agreed - I find he swears too much sometimes as well, and I don’t like it.

I made the point that if my mum had asked me not to swear in front of her - and I don’t really swear in front of her out of respect - I would’ve done that. And that my son had showed me no respect when I asked him a simple thing.

That nowadays it’s all about young people expressing themselves and not about respecting other people’s feelings.

To which my husband said he didn’t have time to discuss this as he needed the toilet and to get back to the match.

So I went and got my things - apologised to my younger son for leaving him as I’ve not seen him for three days already whilst he’d been away at PGL, and I missed him - and I told the older son that because of him his dad and I had had a row and I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

I took my laptop upstairs, but I ended up sleeping quite early and we lost anyway. I’m obviously gutted for England despite not being a massive football fan, but I do have an element of “serves them right”

I’m heading out today to a networking event and running another one this evening so I’m out of the house for most of the day. I’m going to try and avoid speaking to either of them before I go because I am so furious.

I am fuming and don’t want to speak to either of them. I’ve just also realised that my younger son has not gone to school, so I’ll be even more furious if my husband has sanctioned that time off because he’s not ill. Excuse me, why I’ll go and find out what happened there.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to support me and to expect my son to dial his language down if I ask him to - and I have to say this is the first time I’ve asked him to - I’ve let other occasional swear words slide. He’s only just started swearing by the way in the last few months.

Actually, I remember it was after halftime, because we spoke to my mum at halftime and the row happened after that.

My 16 year old wouldn’t dream of swearing in front of us. Your son was totally out of order.

Were you drinking? Sounds like an overreaction to flounce off.

Pick your battles, and pick the timing of your battles.

You really didn't need to bring it up during the match.

Also your 13 year old probably swears like a trooper when with their mates and alone with their brother

Your son should have responded more respectfully when you asked him to stop swearing in front of you and his younger brother, and your husband should have been more supportive.

Having said that, the most unreasonable action of the night was you telling your child that you don’t want to be anywhere near him because he caused a row between you and your husband. Fine to leave the room to get some space, not fine to treat your son that way.

You swear.
I don't, and my sons don't swear in front of me.
If you don't like their behaviour, model the behaviour you do want.
Unfortunately, if your husband swears excessively, your so s probably will too.

Of all the things your 16 year old could be doing, calling Simeone a cheating wanker is incredibly small potatoes

I think your timing was off and the flouncing was childish. Parenting teens is difficult but it takes two to argue!

Middle of the England match wasn’t the best time to bring it up.

and if your husband is happy with it and your son is then this isn’t something you agree on parents.

when my dh and I disagreed on parenting we discussed it away from the kids and agreed something we could both stick to.

if you haven’t agreed it with your husband then he doesn’t need to suppprt you on this.

If he doesn’t swear too often I would have let this one go. I’m sure your 13 year old is exposed to worse (and swears worse). It feels like a big reaction.

If your DS's language has become consistently bad then I can understand you wanting to address it. But do you really think that the best time to address this was during England's World Cup Semi-final match?

It sounds to me like you chose the wrong time, completely over-reacted and telling your DS he was the cause of a row between you and your husband is unforgivable

Your 13 year old will be hearing far worse at school. Probably saying it as well

I'm afraid if your DH is setting a bad example by swearing in the house, it's a bit hypocritical to expect your 16 year old to not swear. He is following the example that he is set. It's also unfair to tell him that because of him, you and his dad have had a row. Your row was about differences in your parenting approach and that's not your son's fault. Stop fuming and have an adult conversation with your 16 year old. Tell him it's perfectly reasonable and possibly for him to express himself without using offensive language.

My parents swore throughout my childhood. I didn’t, until one day when I was around 15/16 when I just started swearing in front of them. They were shocked and asked me to stop, and I retorted “well you swear so why shouldn’t I?” They had no comeback to that so that’s what happened! I have a child now, and while I don’t want her to not express herself out of fear (like I did for most of my childhood), I equally don’t want her swearing constantly. Swearing is a bit of a fine art, it’s knowing when it’s appropriate and when it’s not!

Slightly hypocritical to write a post about your DS swearing when you swear in the first line of your post?

Afraid your son is following your example.

And for balance - I swear fairly freely, especially when driving. Have always felt it’s just a collection of letters and hard consonants to which we attach meaning (after all: procreate is ok but means exactly the same thing as f*ck, which we’ve decided as a society is crude). I never swear AT anyone (unless they are in the car that cut me up). When my kids turned 13/14 I noticed that they were swearing when gaming, as their windows would be open.

So I took the decision to discuss the fact that the neighbours’ younger children could hear, that swearing was not usually appropriate and that, because I appreciated I was a hypocrite that I wanted them to clean up their language so that I too would stop casual swearing.

I would suggest this may be the starting point for you too. It needs to be a family initiative to all clean up your language universally.

Honestly you behaved like a teenager stropping away. Blaming your son for you and his dad fighting was very unfair, you and his dad caused the fight not your son. Lessons on how to handle big emotions need to be learnt all round, swearing, stropping, fighting, none of them are really acceptable.

I don't blame you for being upset. Expressing himself? Your husband's behaviour was disappointing at best and disrespectful at worst. He is teaching your sons to speak to you any which way they like. Your 13 year old will follow his brother's lead in a few years. Sorry this happened, OP.

It's fine for you to pick your son up on his swearing if that's something you don't tolerate in the house. I think mentioning his 13-year-old brother is a red herring really, as your 16-year-old's language isn't going to be anything new or shocking to a 13-year-old in the slightest - he has certainly heard and used the words 'fuck' and 'wanker' for years - but of course if you don't want your kids to swear in front of you, you are perfectly entitled to enforce that rule.

However, the 'people who swear have a limited vocabulary' is a really lazy, inaccurate response. It's been repeatedly disproven by linguists - in fact, many studies prove that the opposite is true.

I also think that the middle of an incredibly tense and important football match, when everyone was already very wound up, was probably not the best time to have that conversation. A lot of people who rarely or never swear in normal conversation swear like troopers during football matches. If my DP's mum is present in our house when my DP is watching his team, my DP has to apologise in advance. I also know people who have no-swearing rules at home for their kids, but waive that rule when they go to football matches.

So yes, YANBU to demand that your son minds his language, but I think you handled it in a way that was bound to be a recipe for a family argument.

Nope, I wasn’t drinking. I’d had half a glass of wine with dinner. I didn’t “flounce” off, I walked out of the living room calmly to give myself some space.

Actually, thank you this is the most balanced answer. I will go and speak to him before I go out.

Again, a more balanced response. Thank you.

I agree I picked the wrong time to bring it up.
I’ll go and speak to him now.

Wow, Mumsnet shocker - there are actually some really balanced responses in here and me as the OP I’m starting to change my mind a little 🤣.

I think it was more the lack of support from my husband that has upset me but I concede that the timing was dreadful.

Massive overreaction on your part.

Firstly, telling him he had a limited vocabulary, was nonsense. People that use swear words have a bigger vocabulary than those that don't and its much better to throw a good multi-use word like 'Fucking' into a sentance for emphasis.

Secondly, you can't expect your husband to support you when he disagrees with you. Why aren't you supporting your husband in letting yourson swear at a football match if he wants? You aren't automatically right because your his mother.

Thirdly, telling your son that he caused an argument between you and your husband is terrible parenting. It is not his fault that you and your husband don't agree about something. Blaming him is disgraceful.

And yes, you absolutely flounced off.

I agree partially on this, although I didn’t “strop” off. I walked away calmly to give myself some space rather than retaliate or react in that moment. The fact my husband then followed me out and made things worse was what caused the row. Not feeling supported or listened to is incredibly triggering for me because my own father used to treat me that way. And my husband knows that.

The first line of my post was talking to a bunch of adults about how angry I was feeling. But yes, I see the irony.

I rarely swear in front of the kids, even though they are older, although the odd swearword might creep in if I’m really angry. As above.

And I don’t swear at people either. Like you.

I mean, it was really about a lack of respect and a lack of being listened to (and a lack of support from my husband.) Things that are very triggering from my own childhood. Without a husband, obviously.

And I wouldn’t have never dreamed of swearing in front of my parents at that age - I rarely do now - and if my mother had asked me to tone it down, I would’ve done so.

Yeah, you’re right. The timing wasn’t great. But also the swearing was really grating!

The 13 year-old doesn’t swear. He’s such a gentle soul. Incredibly witty and funny and eloquent. He has a biting wit. But no, he’s never done it by swearing. I’m aware that that may change!