AIBU to think my friend was disrespectful about my weight again?

[Lonelyisthenight]

I've had a friend for quite a long time, let's call her Melanie. We've always been there for each other in bad times, and we've always shared a lot.
A few years ago, I lost weight and was in pretty good shape. I was working out at the gym and eating right. She once called me to say she was worried about me because I had lost weight, saying I looked too thin (which I wasn't, weight was normal for my age and height). I told her diplomatically that was not up for discussion, as weight and shape are personal, so that was my boundary right there.
Long story short, I've gained weight lately. I don't need anyone pointing it out to me, as I have a mirror and I'm very aware of how I look. She knows where I stand because of what happened a few years ago. One day we were driving somewhere together and she started talking about a friend who had gained a lot of weight, and how he was looking awful, and I thought, here it comes, but she didn't say anything about me.
She hadn't brought it up with me until a few days ago, so I thought she had got the message that this was not up for discussion. Anyway, the other day we were talking about a job offer I got, and she gave me good advice on the job thing. A few minutes into the conversation, she starts asking me health questions. I instantly knew where that was going, and replied: What does that have to do with the job thing? She continues, What have you been doing about your health? Have you bern working out? How often? Sometimes we get so concerned about work and forget about our shape. I just said, why are we getting into that? She said, I just want to say you could join a gym or something, for the sake of your health.
I am doing something about it, but I don't just go around advertising these things to people. But I didn't tell her, because she wasn't supportive the other time and this is 100% none of her business.
Now, the thing is, AIBU to think this was disrespectful, given the fact that she's already done it in the past?

YANBU. She is not a genuine friend. She insults you for losing weight and berates you for gaining it. It is none of her business and was completely irrelevant to the conversation that you were having. A true friend would support your initial weight loss, not insult you for it. Good friends should advocate for your health, but do so in a sensitive way as it is a sensitive topic. Not just, "what are you doing about your health, you need to join a gym". CF tbqh. I would not be keeping someone like that around me.

Thanks for your response! I couldn't have said it better myself!

📌

I hate people like this. Unless you’re a doctor seeing a patient and have health concerns for them, it’s so rude to comment on people’s weight when you’ve not been invited to.

If your weight is yoyoing, heavy, light, heavy over a few years she may be worried about you. Although she shouldn't really mention your weight, it's not really an acceptable topic of conversation. Has her weight remained fairly constant over the years?

Within my circle of friends this wouldn’t be an issue, but as you’ve mentioned it previously you’re not unreasonable to be cross about it. Is she projecting any of her own insecurities?

Right? I mean, it was 100% unsolicited advice, really.

She's put on weight lately and I've never brought it up. I try to be supportive if she says she's going on a diet or something, but other than that, I just don't go there.

I understand this not being an issue when everyone is supportive, no problem with that. But this is 100% not the case, especially because it happened when I lost weight as well. About projecting her own insecurities, I hadn't really thought of that, but since she's put on weight lately, this might be the case.

either you are friends and can talk about these things or your not.
generally with friends you to talk about the full spectrum, however weight is a sensitive topic as it's harder to manage.
you seem to be at a sensitive stage regarding your weight, wouldn't it be better to simply say "melanie my weight is a source of great frustration right now and i'm not ready to discuss it". you're not being honest with yourself or her.

She knows where I stand, as it's happened before. And as far as being honest with her goes, there's nothing to be honest about, she knows my boundaries.

well if that's your hard line then that's it.
you're not modeling good boundaries your wearing your frustration on your sleeve. the reality is being physically active enough (working out, focusing on fitness) and managing food choices is really really hard work for many of us especially as women age. rather than shutting her down, why not engage?

"Not being honest with myself, wearing frustration on my sleeve."
Judging and giving unsolicited advice. I guess my friend has joined the conversation.

She sounds like someone who has a strong belief that someone's worth is linked to their weight. I have known women like this, for whom weight gain/loss in themselves and others takes on enormous importance, as if it's the most critical trait. My late MIL was a bit like this.

I find that quite sad, I almost feel a bit sorry for your friend that something that is really of no consequence to her looms so large in her thinking that she has become so rude and insensitive about the topic when (presumably) she is normally an okay sort. It honestly says more about herself and what is going on in her head than it does about you or anyone else she is talking about.

Are you only posting here for validation?

If you read my post, you know exactly why I'm posting here.

do i think your friend is being disrespectful regarding your weight again? Not necessarily especially if it's been months or years.
should you remain friends? maybe not. maybe she is smug about her ideal weight and maybe you really don't like her.
but weight is a pretty obvious characteristic and people do and will comment.

Fantastic. Since I'm not really into discussing my weight, let's talk about yours then.

Eh?

This makes so much sense. And I couldn't care less about people's appearances. I try to be supportive if they've just started a diet or going to the gym, but that's it. Or give advice if the person asks.

We all pussy foot around weight so much and I don’t know if it’s a good thing. Maybe she’s genuinely concerned, maybe she’s just mean. I don’t know.

'Fuck off Janet, you judgey bitch' would be my angle.

Maybe you could be a BIT more measured but honestly she just deserves telling to fuck right off.

I think it's got to do with boundaries more than anything.
She could be concerned about my weight gain, I understand that, but knowing it's not something I'd discuss with her, she should've kept it to herself.

It’s a contentious issue for some people.

I wish my friends had commented when I was very overweight, but none did.

I think I would send a neutral clear message to your friend saying you are not comfortable discussing weight about yourself, hers or any other people now or in the future and you hope she can respect that.

I think she sounds concerned and you are overly sensitive and defensive.

It's better than my experience, I lost 7 stone years ago, I never made a big deal of it and kept it off, around the time my mum was diagnosed with cancer and then died, I put about 2 stone back on but was perfectly fine with it to be honest, it was the least of my problems at the time.

My dad said to me quite blunty one day, "why are you putting weight on, you've ruined all your hard work".

I actually went NC after that, not for that reason alone, but jesus christ, talk about kicking someone when they are down.. IMO your friend has recognised a change in you and was prompting you in case it opened up a discussion about whatever the cause is, just because you didn't want to discuss it before doesn't mean you never want to discuss it, she'd be a shit friend if she didn't give a toss about you.

Just make it clear it will never be a topic on the table.