AIBU to accept my cousins no longer like me?

[summertimewanderlust]

I've lived in UK for almost 15 years, an EU national but go to my home country often and am very close to my family.

All my cousins over there have a very different life from me as in, they have married farmers, very traditional set up, at least 3 children each, huge country houses/ farms, the women in the family have not gone back to work etc. Life has worked out differently for me, somehow by chance- after years of fertility struggles we have our one much loved and adored son, me and DH went to university (in my case, the first in my family to do so), bookish etc. we are very happy, and I am sure my cousins are too, in the lifes they live.

I value the life my relatives have chosen but for some reason, whenever I go there and meet them, they are almost hostile towards me, make snide remarks about my life- e.g., one of them said last year "Well we for one don't have to go on holiday, we have everything we need right here" or "Our children are already proper workers, they won't sit in front of a computer at work all day"

Its really weird because I like them, show interest in them and would like to keep up a relationship, but they are making it really hard. AIBU to just accept they don't like me anymore?

That’s a real pity OP
Nothing you can do really, is it all of them or just one?

Is there any point to asking them directly what’s going on?

Do they feel like you’re being snobby/thinking you’re better than them for example?

That’s a common pattern when one person from a more working class/traditional area goes off to university and adopts a very different lifestyle, the people who stay in that lifestyle can feel like they’ve been judged and seen as “not good enough” so react to that with a kind of reverse snobbery.

Or maybe they don’t like that you’ve moved far away and left them with responsibility for elderly relatives or something?

It’s hard for anybody to guess what’s going on from their perspective. If it feels like the relationship is withering anyway then maybe you don’t have much to lose by taking the risk - just outright say you’ve noticed these comments, you love and value them, but obviously these comments are making the visits stressful and you’re not sure what’s going on from their perspective. Then try to genuinely listen to them with an open mind and see how it goes?

Well, it seems fairly obvious.

On the other hand, DH and I are the only ones in our families to have stayed on at school beyond the legal minimum and gone to university, and it's not caused any division between us and our extended families who are working as binmen, cleaners, lorrydrivers, retail workers etc. In itself it doesn't need to give rise to bad feeling.

If you can put your hand on your heart and say you genuinely don't come across as 'better than them' somehow, I'd just leave them to it.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Honestly, if anything then they did "better than me" (though I don't really believe in this kind of thinking) as they have huge houses, lots of land, much more money- yes we are academics but earn a normal wage and live in a little Edwardian terrace which we love. So it cannot really be that. I also can absolutely see their way of living being really lovely and, if life would have gone differently, I could have possibly seen myself living that way as well.

Absolutely, I see no reason why it should!
The country I am from however is famous for moaning and small town mentality though so maybe it's that....

I think your lives are so different they really don't understand the way you live, I don't necessarily think they don't like you it's more that a totally alien person turns up to visit. Can you tone down your 'foreignness', try to fit in with the simpler life if you don't already and don't take any comments personally.

Most of them, two in particular. One of them I was very close to as a child so that's quite upsetting- at the last family BBQ she didn't even say Hi to me properly!

It’s very hard if you become very different from your birth family. My friend is like you as the DS of a farmer, being an academic meant he didn’t have a proper job in their view. I moved away, still within the UK. I was first in family to University and have a very different life financially from siblings. Two never owned their houses and rented from the council, all worked hard but lots of minimum wage jobs, two in residential homes. One was very vocal about me being well off and awful about it, then one always says she is very proud of me and the others are just neutral.

My cousins on one side don't like me either. I'm not sure why. We were never close growing up (they were close - two sets of siblings) but we had fun - it changed in our teens. I last saw them at our Grandad's funeral about 12 years ago. I went over to talk to them and they stood in a clump talking and ignored me. I stood awkwardly then walked away. I can't be bothered with them now. I feel sad about it sometimes, but it won't change.

They sound a bit defensive, maybe think you think you're superior or something?

I'd say I'm here to see you, and let the dc know all about myv homeland, which are their roots too. To know their family.
Hope they loosen up!

The thing is though, I don't think I'm very different at all....the lifestyle is, but I don't think I've changed much really.

Well, I'm also from Ireland, and my moan would be that my grandfather lost the farm that might otherwise have come to me!

I think you've been unlucky. Mind you, just growing apart from people you don';t see often is also pretty normal. I met some of my first cousins I hadn't seen in years at a funeral in January, and they all thought I was still living in another country, though I've been back for almost 7 years...

one of them said last year "Well we for one don't have to go on holiday, we have everything we need right here" or "Our children are already proper workers, they won't sit in front of a computer at work all day"

What were the conversations that prompted these remarks?

I'm not Irish but from a similar country in terms of society and farming culture, though from mainland Europe.

I suppose you are right. It's just a bit of a shame isn't it...

About the holiday- she asked what we've been doing since we were here and I said we took the train to a neighbouring country and she immediately shot back with that remark. I was not bragging in the slightest, I was simply answering her question. The remark about work came out of nowhere and I found a really odd thing to say.

There are replies to these comments, you could have said yes we have everything we need at home but like to see other countries sometimes. And about work I think you misunderstand most people don't look at a computer screen all day, there are lots of different types of jobs in the UK, we have many farmers too. It sounds like how you live is a bit of a mystery, really beyond their experience. Have you invited any of them to visit?

To be honest I was so taken aback with that snappy comment about the holiday I wasn't quick enough to respond! I have many times, but they never go anywhere really. It's also really difficult if you have a farm, you can't just really go off as they are dairy farmers and need to be there for the cattle etc.

'You make your children do slave labour and you've never had a holiday? Sounds like a totally reasonable and enjoyable way to live your life'. Complete with eye roll.

They clearly don't like you and are seethingly jealous.

Haha, this made me laugh out loud, thank you 😂😂😂It's certainly a very different lifestyle. Our farmers are so proud though- I really don't think they would be jealous of me. They tend to me very materialistic (my house, my land, my cows kind of thing)- they probably think I don't have enough stuff!

Oh the famous moaners- I know which country you're talking about 😂. Ask them why the got a "baton dans le cul" if they're so happy with their lives.

Haha, I had to look that one up, it's not France 😂

Everyone will recognise a country they know in the description! It could be anywhere. I know a lot of Polish people who say that everyone else in their country is small minded and negative.

You are right, every country has people who like to moan! Mine is known for being very high quality of life and people still being quite unfriendly.

Yes, it was a joke, because a number of completely different countries will recognise as their own the national sport of begrudgery!

Just let it go, OP. There's nothing whatsoever you can do about it.