AIBU to accept my cousins no longer like me?

[summertimewanderlust]

I've lived in UK for almost 15 years, an EU national but go to my home country often and am very close to my family.

All my cousins over there have a very different life from me as in, they have married farmers, very traditional set up, at least 3 children each, huge country houses/ farms, the women in the family have not gone back to work etc. Life has worked out differently for me, somehow by chance- after years of fertility struggles we have our one much loved and adored son, me and DH went to university (in my case, the first in my family to do so), bookish etc. we are very happy, and I am sure my cousins are too, in the lifes they live.

I value the life my relatives have chosen but for some reason, whenever I go there and meet them, they are almost hostile towards me, make snide remarks about my life- e.g., one of them said last year "Well we for one don't have to go on holiday, we have everything we need right here" or "Our children are already proper workers, they won't sit in front of a computer at work all day"

Its really weird because I like them, show interest in them and would like to keep up a relationship, but they are making it really hard. AIBU to just accept they don't like me anymore?

If by 'stuff' they mean livestock, barns, sheds and agricultural machinery I don't think you're missing out on much! 🤣

I suppose I'll have to. I thought about outright asking them but I think I'll make a fool of myself.

One other thing that's really grating is their question of "when are you going to have more children, better get a wiggle on" (they don't know about our fertility issues)

😂 😂 😂 yeah, it's not for me really.... though I can see it's a wholesome way of living

Interstingly, the more I read those posts back and think about cousins behaviour, I realise they are actually just not very nice people!

Of course you accept it. Whats the alternative, calling and visiting people who act like this? Why is that even an option?

Yeah I'm sure it has it charms. It's just a shame your cousins can't be more open minded about other ways of life. I wonder if they'd secretly enjoy visiting you, in a City, is it?

It's just a shame as I have many happy memories of us playing as children and it's sad that they are being so hostile...cest la vie I suppose!

It’s their loss. I’m sure they will be in touch when their children want to holiday near you and they need a place to stay.

Thank you. Funnily enough as I've read the replies and thought about their behaviour, I've actually come to the conclusion that they are just not very nice people to be around.

Families can be clannish my fathers side are very like this i felt frozen out by my cousins my aunties and my father .
I only moved 15 miles away 🤔pour all your love and effort into your own family its not worth the heartache just move quietly on .

Never mind them not liking you, I'm surprised you don't like them. Why should you put up with that behaviour because you've made different choices? I grew up on a farm. Farming's flippin hard and I went right away from it. Well done for your degree and your career. I'd be telling them to talk to the cows.

I was very close with my cousins on my mums side growing up and now we don’t speak. I can’t say any of us are sad about it, none of us like each other very much. Family you choose is better than some random people you’re saddled with because you share the same grandparents.

Judging by how they behaved to the OP, I would think they would rather arrange their own accommodation than stay with the OP.

You are no longer part of the clan as you moved away.

i am sadly estranged from all of my family, all uk based as am I.

my advice is don’t see any of them for a while, wait for one of them to reach out and snd to visit you. In my case nine years now and no one has, you start to really then see who these people really are.

You have created your own family and your own life. Their behaviour towards you sounds hurtful. I think some families have to exclude others in the family in order to feel that they can identify as a cohesive group, and you unfortunately have been the one they have picked out to exclude. I not sure how old you are but I have observed that in late middle age families start trying to reconnect with estranged or drifted family members as time is starting to run out and we start to become nostalgic about our childhoods and older relatives we had in common we have since died .Life has a way of leveling differences over time. Some or all of them might try and reconnect in the future and you can decide then whether you are interested in reconnecting.

Theyre jealous of you

Move on x

They’re jealous of you. Nothing you can do about that.

If every child in every farming family wanted a farm, farms would get smaller and smaller, not big enough to sustain a family.

I think it’s pretty plain to see why they don’t like you. You’re an academic, I’m assuming they never went to uni. Lots of people without university education are envious of those who have one and mask this through bollocks like “there’s no point going to uni”, “glad I don’t have the debt” or my personal favourite “I went to the university of life”. I think it stems from ignorance but also regret, either that they couldn’t pull themselves together to go or that they’re not clever enough.

You’re just different and that’s fine for you to accept because you’re worldly and educated but they exist within an insular small town mentality so won’t like or accept difference as readily.

I’m an academic too and I don’t discuss my career with family because I was a first gen student and none of them understand what I do. I remember when I earned my PhD and some of them were genuinely baffled by the premise of me being a doctor but unable to perform surgery…

Op I have 56 first cousins. I perhaps see 6 of them...or rather have anything to do with those 6. The rest are either oxygen thieves (literally...I have one who broke into our grandmother's house) or just not worth bothering with. Obviously I have lots of aunts and uncles and after my mum died when I was 17 only 3 made any effort.

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family... personally I stopped making any effort to see them, they didn't appear to notice and I wasn't wasting my time

I think on many families the person who chose a different way of life is frozen out. Almost like you wanting to live differently is an attack on their way of life. There is often an element of envy or the need to justify why they too haven’t branched out (even when there is nothing wrong with their way of life)
I moved away from home and honestly, it’s like I stopped existing. If I didn’t make the effort to visit I didn’t see my family for years and when I did, it would be snipey and they showed a huge lack of interest in my life.
i don’t bother with any of them anymore and I don’t miss them.
It’s hard OP but honestly, stop trying to please these people or figure them out. They do not have good intentions towards you.