To be so sad I don't have any friends and wonder how the hell you make new ones at almost 40?

[Pollyxplummer]

I really want some mates to hang out with, especially for nights out or drinks down the pub.

I had loads of friends when my kids were little, but since they grown up a bit and we haven't needed each other so much people seem to have drifted apart. I have 3 friends who I love but we see each other maybe for coffee or something every couple of months. I can't seem to get anyone together more often than that, they're always busy.

I had another lovely friend who I thought I was close to, we even went on holiday together with our toddler boys, but once her eldest started school she made new school mum friends and she's closer to them now. We recently had a night out with her and her friends for the first time in years and I thought we had a great time and said invite me if you ever go again... She said she would but I see photos of her with them on Facebook and I haven't been invited along.

There's two school mum friends and we occasionally have coffee but they are both single and can't leave their kids as they don't have anyone.

It makes me so sad. I'm so bored and lonely. I'm nearly 40 and I have no real mates expect my husband. I still feel young enough to have nights out but I've got noone to go with!!

I've been watching the football matches at home with my son but as he's 13 I haven't been able to take him down the pub. Now he's away on a residential with the school, I would absolutely love to watch Wednesday's match at the pub but I simply have noone who can go and I can't go to my local on my own, I'd look like such a loser and everyone would be having fun while I'm sat there alone. Husband wouldn't come as he hates football and anyway, our 8 year old is still at home.

Thanks if you got this far. AIBU to want mates in my late 30s or is this just the reality?

I did NOT call them old gits. It was supposed to say d GUYS. By the time I noticed, it wouldn't let me edit.

Start your own social group on Facebook. I've just done this for a dog walking/social group. I do several activities but I find people are there to do the activity, not to make friends. The social group takes time to build up but whenever I see fellow dog walkers they ask me about it and are talking to others about it. Having your own group means you can be specific about what you are looking for and can attract like minded people. Good luck- I feel your pain!

Ok, I'd assumed you'd used the term affectionately, but i still don't know why you stopped going rather than enjoy their company.

I did enjoy their company. They were nice guys, I was thankful to them for letting me on their team and I bought them both a drink.
But I don't think either party saw it becoming a friendship. I want women my own age or similar. We're at entirely different life stages. They were older men in their 70s, retired with grandchildren. I still have kids at home, a job and I'm not quite 40 yet.
We're not going to become mates and hang out regularly or have spa weekends and nights out together, are we?

I find this with all the social groups in my area. It’s an area where a lot of older people retire to (as well as working families) and the social groups only seem to attract the older people. And they are perfectly nice but tbh I want friends of my own age/circumstances and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

And it’s not really like you can start your own group and stipulate “under 45 only” really lol

I’ve made new friends at all ages of life
Through a counselling course, book club, volunteering for a charity, becoming a trustee of another charity, local art club at the library, knitting and crochet group, genealogy research

Just to say before you get 16 pages of ' youre not trying hard enough' , volunteering and art classes can provide good company but do not always turn in to a close group of friends.

Go to parkrun, volunteer a bit, stay for coffee, it happens quite quickly at our event, it's responsible for some good friendships.

We moved house 3 years ago. I'm late 50s, DH is early 60s. We made a real effort to make friends. I joined a sports group (non competitive), a walking group and a book group and have made friends through those activities. Last year 8 of us (all women) went on holiday together.

DH has joined a tennis club and a sailing club. I don't sail but the club does have a "get women into sailing" 6 week course that it runs a few times in the spring/summer and I know lots of women enjoy that. He's met friends through those activities and we've made up.a quiz team with 2 other couples now so we do a monthly quiz at the local pub.

I've also joined the parish council and have become friends with a couple of the other councillors.

I work full time but my office is 90 miles away, so I do a lot of travelling. I'm hoping to drop to PT in a couple of years and then I'll possibly do some volunteering locally which will hopefully also extend my social circle.

I think you have to make a real effort to put yourself out there. It's worth it though!

So, bear with me when I say this, but have you thought about the Women's Institute? I know it has an image of being for ladies in their 80s that like making jam, but not all WIs are like that. There are lots of younger groups with members of all ages. I joined a WI in my 20s and have been a member for almost 10 years. I've found so many women of all ages and walks of life and they've become great friends. The trick is to find the right group for you - you can visit as a guest for a couple of meetings to get a feel for whether it's the right group of people for you. Maybe give it a try? Personally it's given me so much over the years.

I think it's very hard in your 40s and 50s. I joined a netball club as suggested upthread but no one wanted to do anything other than play and leave. Then I hurt my knee. I looked into walking netball but it's only on during the day and I work full time. Other sports clubs are full of much younger people. There is a fantastic women's walking group but they only meet during the day.

I have literally no idea where people in their 40s and 50s meet others - groups seem to be full of younger people, retired people or are day time. Or the people there just want to do the activity and leave. I've volunteered lots. Even joined the dreaded school PTA. Gone to exercise groups where everyone was 20 years younger than me. Invited people out for coffee that I've been chatting to a few times, but they never want to meet up. I can only think that the people wanting to meet new friends are sitting at home wondering how you do it ...

Hobby, meet up groups. I met a couple of really friendly women over lockdown as we did local walks together. One moved away but the other I see regularly (she has school aged teenagers but old enough to be left at home). She WFH wholly so relishes a chance to get out.

Also anything you’re interested in, eg record nights, film club. Go along and chat to people abc make friends. DB has done that locally in his area (he moved to SE London from E London a year ago), but those are 2 of his professional and casual hobby interests.

I’m surprised at a comment above saying that London was difficult to make friends in. I would’ve thought a huge metropolis full of people who are new to the area would mean lots of opportunities to meet new people? Am I wrong?

I was like this but I'm 54. Husband's health battles and work made me retreat and I only had one real friend. Joined a couple of local facebook groups and have found some lovely friends that I meet regularly. Its been brilliant.

What about a choir or some kind of musical group if you play an instrument?

Or a women's walking group?

My advice would be to join a club/society/association connected to something you are interested in.
Join, and then really get involved and give it time! Like years. And say yes to helping out/being on the board/etc.

I am almost 40, and a few years ago I joined a book club/literary society. After some years the people in the club are now some of my best friends, even though most of them are a bit older than me. We always have something to talk about, since we are interested in the same author (and that author wrote over 90 books, so there are many books to talk about!).
I am now on the board of the literary society, and we arrange lots of activities connected to the books. And we have travelled abroad together. And we go to the pub together! It's great.

My recommendation is joining a group or starting a course where you’re doing things with people, like some people have said.

Very niche and it won’t appeal to anyone, but a counselling course is great for making new friends.

To be honest, OP, big events bring being people together. I often go to live sports events on my own, and our shared interest means that I chat to lots of people - some of whom have become friends of several years. So go to the pub, and enjoy the shared, collective experience. I guarantee that nobody will care that you're on your own.

I think the key with whatever club or society you join is make sure it’s something you enjoy and are interested in, regardless of whether you make friends at it. Don’t join a running club if you hate running or a basket weaving class if it bores you senseless.

I think the other thing is to do a bit of self-improvement. I used to think charisma was inate; you had it or you didn’t. However, from reading on the subject I learned a lot of it is just confidence (which you can fake) and skills that you can learn.

Another good piece of advice I had was to consider why people should want to be friends with you. What is it about you that you would want to be friends with? Seems stupid but it helped me to be a more rounded offering when connecting with people. You are, ultimately, selling yourself.

Hi op I think walking or a hobby or group. My friends are hit and miss in my 50s. One is juggling elder parents. Hobbies tricky as they come once or they in cliques! I find people dont reply to messages. Its hard isnt it

Try a book club, exercise class, sports team, church.

It could just be life stages. I’m 40 with two young DC and I’m tired, so I wouldn’t fancy nights out!

Don’t take it personally; it sounds like you do have old friends who you see a few times a year- treasure that and keep trying to build on it locally.

Do you work?