To be so sad I don't have any friends and wonder how the hell you make new ones at almost 40?

[Pollyxplummer]

I really want some mates to hang out with, especially for nights out or drinks down the pub.

I had loads of friends when my kids were little, but since they grown up a bit and we haven't needed each other so much people seem to have drifted apart. I have 3 friends who I love but we see each other maybe for coffee or something every couple of months. I can't seem to get anyone together more often than that, they're always busy.

I had another lovely friend who I thought I was close to, we even went on holiday together with our toddler boys, but once her eldest started school she made new school mum friends and she's closer to them now. We recently had a night out with her and her friends for the first time in years and I thought we had a great time and said invite me if you ever go again... She said she would but I see photos of her with them on Facebook and I haven't been invited along.

There's two school mum friends and we occasionally have coffee but they are both single and can't leave their kids as they don't have anyone.

It makes me so sad. I'm so bored and lonely. I'm nearly 40 and I have no real mates expect my husband. I still feel young enough to have nights out but I've got noone to go with!!

I've been watching the football matches at home with my son but as he's 13 I haven't been able to take him down the pub. Now he's away on a residential with the school, I would absolutely love to watch Wednesday's match at the pub but I simply have noone who can go and I can't go to my local on my own, I'd look like such a loser and everyone would be having fun while I'm sat there alone. Husband wouldn't come as he hates football and anyway, our 8 year old is still at home.

Thanks if you got this far. AIBU to want mates in my late 30s or is this just the reality?

Do you maintain these friendships out with meet ups? Calls? Messages, cards etc? Do you work or have colleagues you gel with?

Do you have time for a hobby or two? I find that groups centred around a hobby tend to lead to good friendships around this age.

I feel your pain! People have drifted away and it's tough making new friends. You should go to the pub and watch the football. You've got an easy topic of conversation with others there. If you're nervous about going to the local, go somewhere else. Nobody will think you're a loser. Plenty of people go to the pub alone and get chatting to others there ❤️

I try, I am the one who arranged all meetings on our WhatsApp groups, but everyone seems to have much busier lives than me and always has something they're doing.

The friend with the new school mum friends recently got in a new relationship after a horrible marriage and I messaged to congratulate her and we were having a nice convo but it stopped halfway through, don't know why, she just went, and then I see her meeting for coffee with her real friends the next day on Facebook. We used to be close and hang out all the time, I don't know what happened.

I like local history and I went along to a local history group but there was noone there under 80!

I tried to organise a family quiz night at the local but my siblings kept flaking on me until it was only my mum and her partner going, then they stopped coming too (as if it wasn't already sad enough that I I had my mum and her partner to hang out with every week) and the bar staff who I was getting to know kindly told me to keep coming and they would put me on a team so I did and they put me on a team with two old guts who were so lovely but so much older than me and I had nothing in common. I felt like such a charity case.

I could go and ask the groups my age if I could join but they are so well established I am worried they'll awkwardly say no or let me join when they don't really want to out of pity.

I'm not really sure what else I am into that I could join.

I appreciate sports are not for everyone but I am firm believer in the social value of joining a (team) sports club. I am very actively involved in my local sports club and every year we get new members in the 40 something bracket who are similar to you OP or have gone through a divorce and they are looking at a bit of a life reset. Although we have somw very good athletes at our club we are not some high performance centre and our members are all shapes and sizes and abilities. We have a very strong social side wirh people from all backgrounds bonding over the sport (rowing in my case). We have a clubhouse bar, lots of social events and every year a gang of us head off to Europe somewhere to compete in a local event and have the craic.

I guess that's a long answer to say take up rowing.

You need to put yourself out there. Try something new. Go and ask those established groups your age if you could join in. What's the worst that could happen?

Yeah I hear you. I want friends but to be honest I simply don’t have the time or energy to maintain friendships right now. I have no idea how other working parents of young children fit everything in 🤯

I agree with this! I joined a netball club aged 46, and have made so many friends as a result. We socialise outside of playing, have been aboard on tour multiple times, and generally just have a great time together! We're all different ages and abilities, but it just works. So, OP, join a club!

I was basically adopted last year by another lonely school mum. We're both on the scout-guide committee too. I'd stopped organizing my mother group when I realised how unequal we were - it was always me organizing meetups.

Join social groups on Facebook/meetup.

Another late 30s here with few friends.

I have 3 friends made through Dc school, who I would say are my closest friends but I know they don't see me in the same way. They have their own friends. We message a bit and meet up for drinks every 3-4months.

I have two colleagues from an old job that I see maybe twice a year. We're losing touch and meets ups are less an less.

My dp is my best friend. And I do love an appreciate that, but sometimes it makes me sad when I hear about other people making plans and going on days out, concerts and girls holidays together.

I joined the gym but I just do my own thing there, people aren't there to make friends.

I find small talk really difficult so it takes me a long time to get close to anyone. I didn't keep in contact with anyone from school or uni.

Where do you live op?

A man would absolutely just turn up on his own...

I quite enjoy going to the pub on my own. You meet people in a way you don't when you go alone. I went to the pub to watch France v Morocco, it was quite quiet, but there was a French woman there watching alone.

The way to make friends as an adult is to join a club or hobby group and turn up regularly. You need to see the same group of people very frequently to make friends, at least weekly, preferably more, but you need to go because you're genuinely interested not with the sole aim of making friends.

Agree with this.
For most cities there are women focused groups. The one for mine always has people of all different ages asking for friends or organising specific meet ups.
Same with meet up. Ive seen multiple ones specifically for pub quizzes.

Could be a sport, reading group, language conversation meet up, whatever. You already know you have at least 3 things in common- you're actively looking for friends, live in the same rough area and have at least a vague interest in the thing youre meeting up to do. Thats at least as much in common as you might have with the average school gate mum or colleague or whoever.

It's not through lack of trying. I hope you can find the friends you are looking for!

At least you have a husband. There are single people without friends! 😢

I also think it’s hard. I move countries a lot so often find myself needing to make new friends. Just moved back to London and I find it the worst place, for me, to make friends compared to other places I lived. Age does not help either.

I have thrown myself into various social platforms (Meet-Up, Internations, Timeleft).

Look in your area for local walking, running groups etc. Just try to be as social as possible until something sticks. I am still looking for a raving circle as it seems very few over 40s like to go out for a night of dancing!

I’m very lucky I do have some close friends I’ve had for years

Church was the place I made most friends after 40 when I had kids. Now have WhatsApp groups for chats/support and go out for meals, cocktails and brunches with different groups of friends and can talk to them about anything

Also joined a singing group and that’s brilliant for really feeling part of something

I second this, even if you have never played, there are lots of leagues that are back to netball and people join of all ages. Ability doesn't matter, it's all for fun and you will meet lots of people

I think you worry too much about what people think. Why is it sad to be spending weekly time with your mum and her partner? That's an opportunity.

Why not enjoy the company of the lovely "old gits"?

I appreciate sports are not for everyone but I am firm believer in the social value of joining a (team) sports club.

@ChamonixMountainBum makes a valid point. Getting into a sport will put you in social contact with people who also enjoy it.

A language group or artistic activity, you get out and meet up with a social group that has the same interests. The language group, you're interacting with each other.

You need to find people / activities that have nothing to do with kids that you enjoy. Mum friends from schools / activities are tricky because really the only thing you're likely to have in common are your kids are in the same group.

Volunteering for a cause you care about means you're likely to find like minded people and don't need to bring people together because the volunteering is the activity. Local groups near me do things like litter picking in parks then have a few drinks at the pub afterwards.

Where do you work? Any social activities or groups you could get involved in or start?

Litter picking is a good one. Our local litter pickers are a very sociable bunch.

Take a risk and go to the pub. You might make friends. You can always go home if you don't like it there. But the football might be the perfect night to chat to people! You could ask at the bar if they know which are the regulars who seem friendly

It's not sad to be in the pub on your own, or with your Mother and her partner. Being friends with an old person is not the end of the world. You are sounding quite judgemental of old people and of yourself.