Awkward family photo

[Bellyblueboy]

This is a more how could we have handled it better than an AIBU.

My dad has four bothers. One sadly passed away twenty years ago. It was obviously a huge trauma at the time and the family still feels his loss.

We had a big family gathering last month for one of my uncles 70th birthday. My cousin asked for a photo of all her aunts and uncles together. My aunt (widow of my late uncle) remarried two year ago. He was at the gathering and he walked over and joined the photo.

I was taking the photo and my cousins have said this might the last photo we get of all the aunts and uncles togther and I should have asked him to step out. While I agree I didn’t particularly want him in the photos or expect him to join (I had called could all my aunts and uncles gather) it would have been rude to ask him to step out. Even when I asked for a photo of just my dad and his bothers this man stayed🫣. In the moment it was awkward and I could see my dad pull a face when this man joined the brothers photo.

My cousin has now photoshopped him out of all the photos which I think makes it obvious of my aunt ever sees them.

i think this is a man who is oblivious - he isn’t well liked by my cousins or aunts and uncles - but he is my aunts new husband so we all suck it up.

If we get this opportunity again, can I politely ask for some photos with him in and some with him out? He isn’t my uncle!

I think the aunts and uncles photo was fine but the brothers one?? Bizarre. Yes perfectly fine to say ‘Sorry Al, it’s just the brothers in this one could you pop out?’

A lot of the cousins aren’t happy with the aunts and uncles either.

And I do understand that. This man married my aunt when we were in our thirties and forties. We have meet him a few times. He isn’t our uncle by any definition, and he is obnoxious😩.

I am just not sure that I could have asked him to step out of the photo without upsetting my aunt.

Weird he didn't leave. Are you sure he wasn't just a ghost and that's the reason he didn't show up in the photos? Did everyone else see him?

Oh thats dreadful. If am reading it right, your Aunt isn't a blood relative and this guy really has no connection to your family except your Aunt is still invited because she was married to your dad's brother. And obviously she is your cousins mum.

I find it really odd that he even thought he was to be included and its even odder he stayed for thd brothers photo

I think it would be graceful to accept his presence in the first photo, it doesn’t matter than you don’t like him/don’t think of him as an uncle - he is important to your aunt, that’s all that matters. It is fine to erase him from the second photo and someone could easily have said ‘Bob, this one is just for the brothers - can you step out please’.

We had a family gathering this weekend which we don’t manage more than once every few years, it was fabulous. Two of my younger cousins (16/17) had gf/bfs with them and they joined our large family photo at the end, the photo will be a keep safe because it happens so rarely and yes, aunts and uncles are reaching their 80s now so won’t realistically have too many more. It did occur to me that these teenage relationships are unlikely to go the distance BUT who cares, their presence doesn’t ruin the photos. It’ll be a talking point in years to come.

Thanks - yes, my aunts isn’t my parents sibling but she was married to my dads brother and will always be my aunt.

this man is her recent new husband and he is of course invited to family gatherings. He isn’t our uncle by any definition.

my cousin wanted this photo as a framed Christmas present to our dads - but him being in both has soured to at. All the cousins (including this aunts children) are a bit annoyed at me for not asking him to step out - which is easy to say after the fact.

I did say can all the aunts and uncles gather for a photo - there were raised eyebrows when he walked over but anyone could have spoken up. It would have been hard to say - oh sorry not you, you aren’t my uncle!

I then said just the brothers - the aunts all left and he stayed.

Again - I suppose I could have repeated just the brothers, or my dad or one of my uncles could have said can we keep it just the ‘smith men’ - but again I think it is painful for them to have a photo without the fifth brother - which is why this is so rare.

in his defense - he might has thought it was just the men, but surely anyone would have thought I could maybe step away and let the brothers have a photo.

I am kicking myself for not managing it better

Any of a roomful of adults could have spoken up, this was not just for you to manage. So if anyone grumbles, just bat it back to them.

This could have been so easily resolved, someone just needed to shout "hey Dave- that's just the brothers"

You are right - it was on everyone.

to be honest I am more annoyed about the aunts and uncles photo - he has been photoshopped out but it is quite obvious. I was going frame it for my house but I really don’t like this man so I won’t put the photo up.

we might get another opportunity in a couple of years at my oldest uncles 80th.

hopefully everyone will be there and I can prepare in advance my wording - he can absolutely be in big group photos but we all want photos of the aunts and uncles who were there though our childhood and the dads all want a brothers photo.

I won’t take full responsibility for this anymore - as you say anyone could have spoke up. Particularly my aunts children who know him better and could have guided him out of the shot.

Yes, someone could have said, "now we have had all the men, now just the brothers". Easy enough. Means you have one more photo than planned but no harm.

I can see it’s important to you, Photoshop someone out of a Photo unless they’re committed a crime of some kind it’s just ridiculous

Could you say " We'll have just Tom, Mike and Harry for this one". If you make it specific no one else should join in. If he does, repeat, "Just Tom, Mike and Harry for this one please".

Agreed - I just won’t use the photo.

i don’t like him - and most of the cousins feel the same. He has his chest puffed out with a big grin on all the photos. It’s irritating (again because I don’t like him). I am irrationally annoyed that he thought he was our uncle! Or didn’t care enough to think he might not be wanted in the photo.

Petty I know - but it’s not your class is blended family issue. We all need to take a deep breath and hope we have another opportunity (one uncle is quite ill) and we call ALL manage it better😊.

I guess that since he married your aunt he is your step-uncle in a way, and as such expects to be included with the uncles?
If you want a photo of just the brothers together you need to arrange it at another time. You don't want your aunt in the photo so it shouldn't be that hard to arrange if it means a lot to you all.

I don’t think he is my step uncle? He hasn’t married any of my parents sibling: he married my dad’s brother’s widow. She isn’t my dad’s sister.

I just think he is insensitive. Imagine someone in their forties you have met three times saying they want a photo of their aunts and uncles and you plant yourself in the middle.

imagine then there is a photo of the brothers of your wife’s late husband and you stand in that photo - these men who lost their brother - you married his widow, why would you stand in that photo!

I absolutely know we should have asked him to stand out - and I am kicking myself for not being more assertive. But who doesn’t recognise this is family moment

OK, but he has married your aunt and gets invited to family events, so it isn't much of a step to believe he belongs in the group with your uncles. Not everybody would guess that it was important to exclude non-blood relatives from 'uncle' photos on that basis. If you had said 'Can we just have one of Edward, Tom, Andy and Jim together', he would have got the message.

Such an awkward one if he's pushy/oblivious. Of course he's not your uncle or one of the brothers! Even if your parent remarried some people still think "dads wife" rather than stepmum, it's for both sides to decide how to define a new relationship.

You were not the only person who could have spoken up, so please stop beating yourself up.

It's annoying when people push their new partner into everything. Sometimes people stop planning events or inviting them just to avoid the issue.

Thank goodness for photoshop. If he's that clueless, he deserves to be deleted. It's not easy to deal with these situations in the moment.

Hi
Try chat GBT I’ve done this and it removed the person altogether.

Such odd behaviour from him, but definitely not on you.

I think photoshopping him out is absolutely fine. I’ve actually cut people out of photos before now…literally taken the scissors to them 😂 I had a beautiful picture of my best friend on in her wedding day with all of us, her closest friends. Her new husband was also in the picture…when they got divorced, I got the scissors out and carefully snipped him away 😂😂

If the photo looks too obviously photoshopped by your cousin, why not upload the original to one of the facebook photoshop groups, I’ve seen loads of people get their photos edited this way 😊

Next time:
Option 1 - Hire a professional photographer and give them clear instructions of the photos that MUST be taken (ie. brothers A, B and C; aunt and uncle A, aunt and uncle B etc).
Option 2 - Take 1 photo including the guy no one likes; then say, 'thanks John, for the next photo we're taking 1 of James, Joe and Bob' and then take the photo you really want including only brothers or only your aunts and uncles
Option 3 - Arrange the photos at a time the guy you don't like hasn't arrived or has left or is busy elsewhere. (You could suggest a friend keep him busy chatting for 10min while you take some nice family photos.)
Option 4 - the bluntest choice, which may offend your Aunt: just say upfront, 'sorry John, can you stand aside please, this photo is just of x, yz and z'

You shouldn't be blamed for not asking this man to stand aside. No one else spoke up either. Just be prepared and do things differently next time.

The man's behaviour is quite bizarre. However I can't get over your entire family standing there like wet lettuces letting him do it then moaning at you about it.

I think you need to roll your eyes and accept that it's in the nature of families to always have at least one person in the photo who doesn't fit.. Over the years it all becomes part of the family story. Don't let the perfect picture be the enemy of a good picture.