Mother in law

[Bringmebacktothe90s]

I know there are posts of people who don’t get along with their mother in law. And I also know there are absolutely lovely mother in laws.

Mine unfortunately isn’t the lovely one. She’s fake, condescending, and puts on the poor me act when she has a drink and starts crying. She looks at me like I’m an alien, she has known me for 20 years and pretends she can’t understand me. I’m from the UK just have a different accent. She can understand me just fine, she just does this to make me feel small.

We are going to stay at her house for a few days and I genuinely don’t know how to get through it. I’ve gained weight so she will be looking at my stomach the whole time. Pretending she can’t understand me. Asking me how on earth I could work when I’ve got kids. Even though she worked and her kids cooked their own dinner daily. She has no interest in the kids at any time of the year. But when we are there she will pretend she knows them inside out and play the doting gran.

I am feeling really annoyed about having to visit. My husband just plays along and turns into the biggest wet wipe / yes man you’ve ever seen around his mum. Even though he has spent the last 20 years telling me how shit of a parent she was.

That was a huge rant. I am dreading these next few days.

You are building this up in your head. Sometimes I can't understand my own husband (Scouser). But honestly I think you are being a tad oversensitive. Just respond with "I thought you'd be bilingual by now " etc
However she brought up her own children has nothing to do with you. We all grow , learn , do the best we can. She can be a doting grandparent while being not such a great parent

Another one who doesn't get why you're going. Sounds like your DH is aware of her unpleasantness and no way would I be putting the kids through having to tolerate her shite.

Twenty years is too long to be bullied by a relative who doesn't like you.

Its not just for a few hours... but for several days.

If you keep saying No... that's it... you can't be forced into the car

Ideally, just don't go, but The only thing is whether she treats your DC the same way. If you feel you have to be there for the DC... perhaps you could book somewhere else to stay and just turn up for a few hours

She's only got power over you because your DH gives it to her. But if you decide you are not going to co operate with that any more.. You've given 20 years of co-operation which she does not deserve and there's not much anyone can do to force you.

Sorry OP... its stressful dealing with this but i think it sounds like you've had enough.

I voted YABU for bothering to go. I have a family member I don’t get on with (mutual) and I stay away. I told my husband - he’s not over the moon about it but he decides to go on his own or not.

Don't go. Don't be the butt of her jokes. Don't play her nasty games.

Just insist on staying at home. Have a few days with your feet up or bumbling around doing whatever you wish, in peace. Your dh can't force you.

Bliss

have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?
What has he said about the way his DM treats you? If he’s minimising or denying her behaviour then he needs to know that you’re prepared to drop the rope.
my reservation would be the children. How would they feel?

Are you going for your DH sake? If so you might need to tell him that you don't get along with MIL and vice versa, and going to stay with her is not your idea of a break at all.

What would he say to that? I think your answer lies there. Forget about MIL, she will survive with Golden Balls running to see her whenever she beckons.

It is all very well people saying "just don't go". If it were that easy you wouldn't go would you? So spell it out why you feel obliged to suffer this woman. Then we can maybe help you with strategies. Mostly involving your DH I suspect!

This:
/Don't go. Don't put yourself through this. You also have a Dh problem that is he more willing to see you upset than his Mother. He knows she behaves this way and he accepts it./

I hugely sympathise & voted YANBU. I increasingly suffer rudeness & controlling behaviour from my MIL. The more I help her, the worse she gets. And DP, while recognising this, is of course conflicted.

Boundary-setting is hard, but utterly necessary. I suspect you don't want to feel like a bad person, but forget that, because in her eyes, you already are. You don't need to go. Maybe you're trying to keep up appearances for your children - that's their grandma. But do you really need to do that anymore? They may already have worked out she's not being nice to you. Are there any positives left for you & your family in visiting MIL? That sounds selfish, but that's the territory you're in. SHE'S got positives: another opportunity to have a series of very enjoyable snipes at you. If you have none, don't go. If she asks why, tell her: you're too rude to me & I'm no longer prepared to put up with it.

If you do go, make sure DH knows that, if the rudeness begins, you're leaving. Don't be shamed by this; just because she's old/losing it doesn't mean she gets to do this to you. If it helps, imagine she was slapping you several times a day because she likes the sound it makes, and your reaction. You wouldn't put up with that for a second. But she's emotionally slapping you.

All the best, OP.

Don't go. If your DH is that bothered about going he can go with the kids. He knows why you don't want to go. If he doesn't want to go either then win win!