Mother in law

[Bringmebacktothe90s]

I know there are posts of people who don’t get along with their mother in law. And I also know there are absolutely lovely mother in laws.

Mine unfortunately isn’t the lovely one. She’s fake, condescending, and puts on the poor me act when she has a drink and starts crying. She looks at me like I’m an alien, she has known me for 20 years and pretends she can’t understand me. I’m from the UK just have a different accent. She can understand me just fine, she just does this to make me feel small.

We are going to stay at her house for a few days and I genuinely don’t know how to get through it. I’ve gained weight so she will be looking at my stomach the whole time. Pretending she can’t understand me. Asking me how on earth I could work when I’ve got kids. Even though she worked and her kids cooked their own dinner daily. She has no interest in the kids at any time of the year. But when we are there she will pretend she knows them inside out and play the doting gran.

I am feeling really annoyed about having to visit. My husband just plays along and turns into the biggest wet wipe / yes man you’ve ever seen around his mum. Even though he has spent the last 20 years telling me how shit of a parent she was.

That was a huge rant. I am dreading these next few days.

Why are you putting yourself through this . Can't you shorten the visit or meet on neutral ground .

Don't go. If your DH wants to go and take the kids, that's fine. What would happen if you were to say you weren't going?

Yeah don’t go why should you?

Opt out of going. It's very freeing once you realise you don't have to go to a thing that you don't enjoy.

Don’t go and if she asks why, simply tell her that you would rather drink rats piss than have to spend the weekend at her house, and 20 years of putting up with her shit is enough, and then ask her is she can understand that.

Simply put dont go.

Just dont go. Its not a court summons.

She will be annoyed, tough shit.
He will be annoyed - tough shit.
Itll ruin plans - no it wont, she doesnt like you anyhow, why pretend.

Stop doing shit you dont want to do to please other people. Stop it.

i'm 100% in agreement with @Rothburypixie

I agree with everyone else, just don’t go

You don't have to go your husband and kids can go, if she doesn't like you there is nothing you can do, let her son deal with her moods. My late MIl had some mental health issues she didn't always "like me" I just didn't visit those times she was unwell Dh understood and just went on his own.

Agree with PP's, and if your DH or MIL don't like it that's on them.

No sane person wants to put themselves willingly into the firing line for being got at.

I am feeling really annoyed about having to visit

Who is forcing you to visit?

The great thing about being an adult is having free will to go/not go where you like. I would suggest that you use your free will to stay home.

Yeah just don't go, send the kids with DH if needed. Time to.put yourself first.

Do you have to go? If not, stay at home.

Why are you saying you have to visit? You absolutely categorically do not.

Just don’t go.

Don’t go. You do not have to put up with it.

1. If she struggles with your accent, remark to DH that she could have cognitive decline at “her age”. She can’t understand you so it’s fine.
2. If she comments on your weight, say you knew you’d get sympathy from a fellow woman who has been through the same.

"Do you have to be so rude?" works in well in a lot of situations. Basically call her out every time.

Don’t go. Let DH and the DCs have some quality time with her.

Agree to not go but either way with no drama,- just say I thought you should spend quality time together and I’m not feeling great (which is true, you’re feeling shit about going!). Tell them to have a great time and wave them off. If she texts or contacts ‘ah I hope you’re all having a lovely time’ then off the phone.

Don't go. Don't put yourself through this. You also have a Dh problem that is he more willing to see you upset than his Mother. He knows she behaves this way and he accepts it.

Have a look at FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. He probably visits her because he feels he has to not because he wants to. He has grown up with this, this is his normal. You don't have to play along. Stop being nice, she isn't nice to you so why not say I don't want to visit you because of your behaviour toward me.

You are exposing your children to this woman. As a child we were made to visit a pernicious grandparent and then I had to hear this woman talk shit about my other parent. Don't do this to your children.

Sounds like his way of dealing with his mum as he grew up was to just disengage and let her get on with it, which is very understandable. It's also understandable that he would automatically carry that pattern on now. It doesn't suit family life though, and it's not fair to impose that coping mechanism on to new people, but I don't think it's the sort of thing that will be automatically obvious to him either. You need to have a long and frank conversation and figure out in what way you want to approach this as a team and then be a united front. He needs to understand how hard it is to come into this family dynamic that has been normalized to him, but you will have to pause the hurt and upset that you've accumulated and explain it calmly.

You not joining them is a very valid option but I do think it still needs to be a joint and thought out decision or there's going to be resentment from at least one of you, maybe both.

This is simple to fix op. You just dont go. I dont understand people who put themselves through this. Shes a cow, and lifes too short to put up with this shit. So dont. Be strong. Who TF cares what she or anyone else thinks. Let your husband deal with her, he sounds a bit useless to be fair.

I voted YABU because I don't understand why you go there if she's like that.

You don’t have to go. Seriously. You don’t have to spend time with anyone who treats you like shit. Or anyone you just don’t want to.

Why on earth are you going? Let your husband go on his own if he wants, but you should just stay at home. She sounds absolutely horrible and I'd think much less of your husband for not standing up for you.