AIBU to say it's difficult to know how to sort finances fairly in my marriage?

[Neocab]

My DH and I have been married for 2 years and still have no idea how to work our finances. We're basically avoiding making important purchases / doing important work on our house at this point because we don't really know how to approach the issue.

AIBU to think it is difficult to work out what is fair here?

I hear from various sources (family, friends and indeed here on Mumsnet) that married couples should:

• combine all finances and treat everything as shared
• OR have a degree of separation but make contributions to shared costs in proportion to income.

We don't do either, and I don't feel it's as simple as that. It is possible that I'm missing something though.

For background: DH is a fair bit older than me. We work in a similar field but he is a fair bit more senior. He earns almost twice what I do.

When we met, he already owned his house outright. I'd been saving to buy my first home and was about at the point where I had a good deposit together. I ended up moving into his house with him instead. Almost immediately afterwards I realised I was pregnant. It was unplanned and a huge shock, and I didn't know whether our still new-ish relationship would be able to handle it, but it did. He proposed shortly afterwards.

We have always maintained separate finances. We have a joint account for household bills, nursery fees, kid stuff, shopping and joint holidays. We each put an equal amount into it each month and if we ever have extra joint expenses, we contribute towards those equally too. I was the one who suggested this at first. I think I felt guilty that I living mortgage and rent-free in a home that I hadn't contributed towards financially at all and was worried about seeming like a sponger. I've always liked the idea of feeling really independent and didn't want to have a lifestyle that I could only afford because a man was topping my finances up.

As time has gone on, though, the situation has become a bit more difficult. For one thing, the equal contributions split means that my DH has been able to save a large amount each month easily, whilst I have been saving at a slower rate. We spend quite a lot on what I see as frivolities - more extravagant food shops and holidays than I would go for myself - but I don't feel I can complain about what my DH wants to spend because I come across as mean, so I keep paying my 50%. In fact until recently I was actually down on the amount of money I had when we got together because we even did the equal split thing when I was on MAT leave and I didn't get much due to being quite new to my job at the time. Don't get me wrong - I'm not penny-pinching massively (after all, I don't have any mortgage or rent to pay!). I can still afford haircuts and meals out with friends etc so I'm not exactly in a situation that requires anything more than the world's smallest violin.

Then there's our house (I still don't feel comfortable calling it 'ours' really - in my head it is his, no matter how much he assures me that he sees it as shared!). It is a bit ramshackle and needs a fair bit of work doing, but I'm stalling on it because I know DH will expect me to pay 50% of everything and I haven't saved enough yet for us to do what we want. There is a possibility that I will have to take out a loan to cover my 50%, which seems a bit ridiculous to me when DH has the money to cover the cost of all of it sitting in the bank. Again though I have this terror of seeming like some sort of freeloader and worry I'm being a selfish arsehole to think of his money as in some way mine too. He has earned that money and I have not.

Some other spanners in the works:

• DH has adult kids. They are homeowners and on their feet, largely thanks to his financial support, and he likes to give them frequent monetary gifts. In my eyes this is none of my business to comment on, but if it were my business, I would obviously still support it completely as it is what a dad should do with his kids. If we combined our finances or shared things differently, it might get in the way of my DH feeling he can give his kids money whenever he wants to, and I would hate that.
• DH is going to be retiring within the next 10 years, whilst I will probably be working for at least 30 (not just the age difference - also differences in pension types). At this point our situations will reverse and I will be bringing in a lot more money than him. I don't know how on earth we will navigate this financially.

What does financially fair even mean in a marriage like this? I have no idea at all. What I do know is that I seem to feel simultaneously guilty and annoyed about any possible arrangement we discuss!

And yes. of course, ideally I would have thought all this through before getting pregnant and before getting married, but I didn't. I am where I am. It was all so fast, so unexpected, and falling in love with someone older was never part of my plan.

Thanks so much for any thoughts. I have no idea what to do and I don't think my DH does either.

YABU - there is a pretty simple way to organise your finances fairly in this marriage

YANBU - it is difficult to know how to sort this out fairly!

I will have a think about what you've said. Maybe I felt relieved too quickly. It's incredible but it's actually taken this random decision to post on mumsnet to help me realise just how low my self-esteem is. My default position in any situation, not just my marriage, seems to be that I don't deserve to take up space or to ask for anything and that it's really really selfish to act otherwise.

The thing is though... I do have worth. And it's my kid's future in the mix here!

I need to give myself a talking to.

I can see that I need some legal advice full stop as all this informal stuff relying on good will in the future is just too wishywashy for me to risk so much. I like to think that DH and I will always be kind and civil to one another but presumably most people who get married assume the same... life seems to have other plans for a lot of us and I guess no one can truly know what their partner will be like in the future (or what they themselves will be like).

I will add this though, because I can see that a lot of posters seem quite concerned about me and my vulnerability: I'm not a total mug in all this. I do still have most of what I'd saved pre-mat leave and am adding to it at a decent rate despite all the difficulties. I earn pretty well and actually found out literally this evening that I've been successful in getting a promotion at work. I am bringing some things to the table financially and I could theoretically go off and buy my own home now if I really wanted to (I don't want to - it would be a lost of hassle, and the type of place I could afford wouldn't guarantee a good rental income, but it's nice to know I could if I wanted to!). I think it is hopefully less a case of my having put myself in a shit position than my having the potential to blow what I have and to end up in a shit position down the line unless I approach things differently from now on.

So yes, I am feeling a bit empowered by this thread, even though I take your point that I have perhaps not achieved a big change for myself as yet...

Thank you everyone for the thoughts you've shared. I'm sorry for not replying to all the posts but I've read everything and am trying to take it all on board.

You poor thing. I hope you at least hung on to the deposit you saved.
You're married and share a child, but you've maintained 1/2 the bills when he earns twice as much? Crikey ☹️.

This is a lovely post and I'm chuffed that it has worked out like this for you.
Ideally I would like to take this approach and I know for sure that my DH would - a sort of trusting that it will all work out and feel fair enough in the end, and perhaps a refusal to do any point-scoring / calculating of who has brought what.
On the other hand I do think the unusual aspects of our situation - essentially, as others have pointed out, the different life and career stages for me and DH, combined with a young kid and other much older felt kids to think about - perhaps does necessitate some more planning on our part.

I'm grateful for your post though as it's given me a way of looking at the situation that is a little lighter and more hopeful, and it's great to hear about someone having a positive experience. Thanks for sharing.

For me upon our marriage vows it was all our money. And legally it's all jointly yours too. The fifty fifty thing is bonkers. It's shared family money and should be seen as such. You shouldn't have such a different standard of living that he gets to retire twenty years before you. You are thinking of taking out a loan to pay for the work when you don't even think of the house as really yours, aren't on the deeds so in case of divorce wouldn't get the house and he has all this cash in the bank? It's bizarre.

Thanks for this. I think you've put your finger on a big issue around a lack of team mindset in all of this. Still haven't got my head around being married at all to be honest - it was never something I planned for my life so I think it's shaken me to the core: this idea of being part of a bigger whole. It's everywhere in our culture and language and seems like it's just common sense to grasp it but perhaps I haven't thought deeply enough about what it really really means.

This is where feminism has done a number on us. You are a younger woman, less established in her career with an older man in the prime of his earning potential. You took a career hit to have his baby and provided unpaid childcare for that baby. And yet feminism has told you you should pay half. No matter the mitigating circumstances - HALF!!!

If you were a childless couple my advice would be different, but you have a child, so your joint responsibility is to protect your child first. Protecting your DHs assets is in direct conflict with protecting your child's best interests. In the event of divorce where does your child live? You won't have a home and you've reduced your deposit savings because you're paying HALF, for stuff you wouldn't even choose to spend on if you had an equal voice.

What happens should you have more children together? More mat leaves? What if busy family life means it makes more sense for you to start working part time? Do you still pay half? What happens if you become unable to work through illness or disability as you get older? What value are you putting on your domestic labour and the childcare you provide? What is the financial value of care you're going to provide your future elderly husband. Will he think of himself as an individual and pay for 24 hour care 7 days a week if he needs it?

My suggestion is to pool finances completely. Your DHs adult children complicate matters only a little. Of course he should be able to support them to the same degree he currently does. I would suggest for fairness that when he gives £££ to his adult children, he also puts an equal amount in your joint child's savings.

OP you havent yet learnt to think of yourselves as a family - neither of you. But you've had a child and both of you need to grow the fuck up and do your best for that child. Dont have any others until you sort yourselves out!

Pedant61's approach works fine until it doesnt. Older men get their heads turned by young woman and start a 3rd family sometimes. Or they become unable to work or die and you havent sorted out security for yourself and your child. You could both die tomorrow in a car accident and who have you nominated in your wills to raise your child then? Do you both have life insurance to help cover living costs until your child reaches 18 if one of you dies? Do either or you have critical illness cover? Term life insurance is cheap and you should have it, critical illness cover more debatable.

It isnt just your relationship to your husband that needs rethinking.

I haven’t RTFT but what is jumping out at me is the house. I think if it’s his house, then he should pay for repairs and upkeep. He can ring fence it so you’re not entitled to any equity should you divorce, but that would enable you to build up your own savings enough to buy a house should you ever need to. After that I would say you should be paying proportionally- say you contribute 1/3 and him 2/3. He will be benefitting from your salary when he retires, why should you be worse off now?

I think it would be worth a visit to a financial planner or asset manager of some kind. Financial counselling if you like. Someone professional for whom you lay out all the facts of the situation - without the emotional baggage you are both putting into it - to allow them to suggest impartial and sensible financial solutions. Make sure you are both protected from potential future events and are making the most of what you have now. The emotional side of things you both need to deal with yourselves.

My husband earns 3 x as much as me. All of our earnings are pooled into one joint account. We do this because we are a team and this is the best way to bring up our child from a financial viewpoint.

Also, it just makes things so much easier to manage and everyone feels treated fairly and equally.