AIBU to see my husband getting a woman's number as a breach of trust?

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Hi all, so last night DH went out to watch the football with friends, I had no interest in going and was happy to have a quiet night in.

He got him late, was very drunk but this wasn’t unexpected, he had a good time etc.

This morning he woke up and I noticed he was carrying his phone everywhere with him, I asked him why he was being like that, and he admitted he’d drunkenly got a girls number, he said nothing else happened.

I asked if he had messaged her and he said only last night. I read the exchange, there was some brief chat about her going to a different pub and him wondering where she went.
Then he said
btw
your profile pic
so hot
those freckles, hello
those curls, hello
little stunner

she just said thanks, all subsequent texts were about the football.

Until this morning when she messaged him saying she thinks one of his friends might haven taken her friends phone charger and hat and could they arrange to get them back.
He said we would ask his friend, and that reason he hadn’t deleted her number or blocked her yet was to sort that, but he was drunk, would never have intended to actually do anything and would have blocked straight after.

Based on the profile pic, I think she is much younger than we are, we are 36, she looks maybe 22-25.

I don’t know what to do now, I believe he didn’t cheat and he rarely goes out on big nights out so I’m not inclined to think this happens often and he seemed genuinely remorseful, but at the same time am I just being naive? I don’t want to end my marriage over this that seems dramatic but I’m not sure how to rebuilt trust?

AIBU to think this is a massive breach of trust?

The messages on their own are enough to have broken any trust

Has he explained though why he got her number in the first place? How has he been acting today?

I understand you not wanting to blow things up when you dont have proof of physical cheating. And maybe, if he'd just taken her number but then deleted it, it wouldnt be great but still salvageable. Although you probably wouldn't have known in that case.

But he firstly took her number. Then, when she went to a different pub, chased after her, then proceeded to tell her how beautiful she was. Then kept the number. I dont buy his excuse it was to sort out the bloody hat! In that case, send the number on to the friend that has the hat!

That's numerous points where he should have stopped and thought what am I doing. Being drunk is no excuse. He wasn't so drunk that he didn't notice she'd left, he wasnt so drunk that he couldnt text her. He wasnt drunk this morning.

They definitely went back to a house. Nobody is messing around charging phones in a busy pub on a football night

This is awful op - sorry but for me, the trust would be gone. As a pp said, if he had said straight away. But instead he hid his phone as he was waiting for her to text.

I’m sorry OP.this is a huge breach of trust and his continuously making the choice to take action.
how on earth can he justify the drooling comments he texted her?

He’s taken every step to get closer to her- the number exchange, the texts, the flirty compliments. At any point he could have stopped but continued. Then this morning he’s skulking around with his phone. No remorse otherwise he’d have blocked her.

He is lying to you OP
This is not the first time , trust me on this
It is up to you whether you choose to believe him or not

I would end my marriage over that and I'd not feel I was being dramatic in doing that. It's a massive breach of trust, the messages telling her how hot and stunning she is there'd be no coming back from that, regardless of if it's true he as a person who is in a relationship should not be speaking to another woman who is not his partner like that.

I would be more inclined to think your husband had cheated, if there'd been a flirty exchange between the two of them or about any shenanigans they'd got up to. The flirty messages were sent by your husband, she didn't respond, other than to say Thanks. She didn't flirt back. The texts you then saw were about the football.

Your husband told you she'd messaged this morning for his friends number, because he had her friend's phone charger and hat.

Your husband flirted. Your husband clearly thought this woman is attractive and was testing the waters to see if she responded to his flirting. She didn't, other than to say thanks. There was intention on his part at the very least.

I've been with my husband 20 years, and in all those 20 years, I have never given my phone number to a random man, whilst out with the girls! Your husband chose to swap numbers with this woman, because he fancied her, it's that simple.

What you do now, I don't know. It's very easy for people to say, end the marriage but it's not their marriage or life.

Even the flirtiest man tends to just concentrate on the football when England are doing so well.
This is truly awful. I could never ever trust him again after that. A breach of trust and properly pervy to boot.

He was looking to cheat. That would be enough for me.

If my husband had sent messages like that to another woman I would be assuming he had cheated or at the very least wanted to cheat and it was only the other woman no reciprocating that meant it didn't happen. I would want more information too. Why did he get the number in the first place? Why didn't he delete the messages?

I believe he didn’t cheat

But you KNOW that he DID cheat - he sent another (much younger, boak) woman massively inappropriate messages telling her how hot she is. That's cheating. Isn't it!? You have no proof that he physically cheated, but that's not the only type of betrayal. If you had behaved in the way he did, what would he be saying to you now?

I think a) you need to make it very, very clear to him that he has crossed a line (by asking him to sleep in the spare bedroom, for example) and b) he needs to take full responsibility for his actions.

I assume he is quitting alcohol altogether now, yes? Because he is blaming his behaviour on having been drunk? So he won't be doing that again. Perhaps he will be spending the next six months at home every night to demonstrate to you that he understands the severity of his actions and his willingness to make himself uncomfortable in order to help you be comfortable again and allow trust to be rebuilt between you (of course, not a chance he will be going out on Wednesday because he maintains he is not, actually, a massive dickhead). Maybe he has already made an individual counselling appointment to discuss how he allowed himself to do this? Anything??

Exchanged numbers, was clearly flirty with her. I could accept the ‘I was drunk but nothing happened’ IF he hasn’t been cagey about his phone in the am.

Someone being drunk, doing something stupid but owning it, apologising, deleting number etc… is one thing (still not ok but could be forgiven if behaviour impeccable afterwards, a one off etc…)
Someone doing something unacceptable, then Hidding it, being cagey etc…and using being drunk as an excuse whikst still not owning their mistake? I’d go nulclear. It’s the total lack of respect and lack of responsibility that I could not accept.

I would also be asking him what he would think if he found messages like that on your phone to another man after you'd crawled home at five in the morning.

Those messages weren't just flirty. He was literally telling her he thought she was hot. If he didn't have sex her, he would have if she'd let him.

Only you know what your relationship is like day to day and whether you feel like he is normally a trustworthy person. If I was him, I think I would be saying I’m sorry, I need to give up drinking alcohol. Alcohol is a drug which for some reason is very socially acceptable but makes some people behave in a way that is totally uncharacteristic. We tend to think that unless someone is waking up in the morning and drinking vodka or binge drinking more nights than they’re not, then it’s all a bit of fun. And if someone does something like this it’s a true reflection of their character rather than the drink. I’m of the opinion that excess alcohol makes decent people do very stupid harmful stuff. Of course, he would have to come to this conclusion for himself and take action.