AIBU to say no to a sleepover my daughter wants?

[Pappybear]

DD (10) has never liked sleepovers. She wants to do them but finds it virtually impossible to get to sleep without me or her dh. It upsets her that she struggles to do them (whenever friends have sleepover parties I will pick her up early, through her choice).

She will sleepover at her cousins but that’s becuase she’s close with her aunt and knows she’ll help her settle if needed.

Dd has been invited to a party sleepover that she really wants to go to. Part of me wants to encourage her to try. But the other part of me thinks I’ll just get a phone call in the middle of the night asking to pick her up, and then she’ll be even more upset. Plus the hassle for the host parents. WIBU to say she can’t go? Or should I get her to try it and hope it works out ok?

Tell her the truth. She can settle herself to sleep and is not fair to either disturb the friends parents or expect you to come running in the night

The thing is I don’t want to give her the narrative of it not being fair to disturb us in the night, what if she needs help when she’s a teenager or young adult in a dodgy situation. I always want her to know she can rely on us picking her up if needed.

Ive had a big chat this morning and told her we won’t be checking on her anymore.

My children are now teenagers and only ever had a sleepover at my very good friend’s house. She knows them inside out, her children have grown up with mine and have similar sleep schedules/needs. They have no interest in the carnage of a big group sleepover. Let her go and pick her up.

As for her home sleep schedule, you need to be tougher. No 10 year old needs checking on every 10 minutes. It’s ridiculous and feeding the drama. Sit down together, work out a routine and stick to it. Leave her door open so she can hear you are there, landing light on if it makes her more comfortable but no check in, no fuss, non negotiable

She's 10, surely it's not outside her levels of comprehension to only disturb you for a proper reason?

one of mine was like this OP … struggled with sleepovers and residentials even with her twin there. Had to check on her every few minutes at home.

The good news is she changed completely at secondary! Lost that anxiety. Hope it’s the same for your DD.

I really feel for you OP, but I think this is only one small event that has highlighted a much more troubling issue. She is 10 and behaves like a toddler at bed time and this isn't ok. I see you are already helping with her anxiety and I'm sure you are doing all you can but I think its time for some tough love. She needs to know that her constant need for attention is very selfish and unfair on you. I'll bet she has never even given it thought. Maybe she needs to be let sit up all night in her room at home and stare at the wall and realise it's ok. In reality she won't stay up all night she will eventually drift off. But she has to learn to self regulate and stop being so needy, not just for her own sake but for your sake. I'd be tempted to let her go and suck it up if she wants to go. If she is still acting up at home and you feel she can't do it, I'd tell her if she acts like a baby she will be treated like one and therefore not allowed go until she changes her ways.

Put a audio book on she likes. Very low volume near the bed so she is not focussed on having to get to sleep. Not something too exciting or with peril in the storyline.
You'd be staggered how many adults do this to get to sleep.
If that works..you can get her an mp3 and some sleep earbuds and shes got a portable sleep system.

I’d let her go, tell her to change into pyjamas with her friends and pick her up on the way home from your son’s event. That way she knows she’s coming home, and gets to do most of the sleepover.

This she is 10!! Why are you checking on her every 10 mins, thats just validating her feeling that anything needs checking & feeding the worry. Be the adult, tell her firmly that she is safe in bed & that you don't need to check.

Can you get a low dose melotonin?

I really struggled to fall asleep as a child and at 9, my Mum secretly had me put on tranquilisers. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Turns out that I'm ND and it was related to that rather than me behaving like a toddler or being anxious, traumatised or anything else mentioned on here. Nobody would have realised when I was young. Even I didn't know.

Both of my DC are autistic and find it hard to fall asleep. They both devised their own sleep routines and accept cheerfully that some nights they just need to accept it's going to take longer. They have very little anxiety around it though ds loathes sleepovers and trips because he doesn't like people staying up late and being noisy. He still goes but uses techniques to manage.

You are stopping her learning to pick herself up. She is 10, she knows full well she can wake you if theres a serious issue. But at that age the bar should be high - waking you due to vomit/bleeding nose etc, not because they cant sleep.

A 2am phone call from a teen is very different. She also needs to learn to assess risk, her wanting company in her room now because she feels like it is not the same as her missing the last bus home.. she should know this. All kids with good parents know they can call on them when needed but most parents wouldn't indulge a 10 year old in this way.

Something that might be worth considering is the difference between how we treat children who are anxious and those who are angry. Both are emotions they feel they can't control, both can overcome a young person and they have a compulsion to behave in a particular way. We do not tolerate angry kids hitting or shouting and they are trained to separate the feeling from the behaviour. It's ok to have a feeling but it's not ok to behave this way. This can be incredibly difficult to regulate but most can and we tend to have a zero tolerance for when they can't. These kids fight their compulsions and it can be exhausting. I work with little kids and I've seen this a lot, I've also seen the anxious child who thinks they are entitled to constantly interrupt and seek reassurance because of how they feel. They often ruin play and create a negative energy, whining or demanding or crying. Their behaviour has an impact and the need to regulate is just as important as the angry child, both should be approached with the same understanding but firmness.

I really feel for her with the anxiety but checking on her continuously is just reinforcing that there’s something to be anxious about. Does she have a nightlight?
I’d be making it very clear that if she goes to the sleepover then unless it’s an emergency, she has to stay there for the night. The sleepover parents will probably still be awake until the children are asleep but I wouldn’t be too pleased with having to stay up until the children are asleep just in case the parents come and knock on the door!

Thank you everyone for replying. Sometimes as a parent you end up in routines or cycles that are well meaning but not entirely helpful. We have taken the path of least resistance with her sleep to date, because she can end up getting so upset. And also because the checking on her was a temporary improvement on needing us in her room with her.

Last night was the push we needed to redraw lines and set new boundaries. We've told her that we will no longer be checking on her. We also said she can go to the sleepover. She really wants to go, and I think that she realises that she's going to have to just deal with it if she can't sleep. I want her to realise that this is something she can do, and the fact that she wants to go so much will hopefully spur her on.

Thanks for all the tips and head wobbles.

Good luck. Hope it works out for you

Fingers crossed op, can you come back and update us?

That sounds really positive OP! No better time too, what with school ending and she doesn’t need to be up so early!

I think you've done the right thing. Sometimes these things can drag on (even though you mean best) and actually ripping the plaster off so to speak, can work. Not every time but sometimes kids can surprise us. Kids barely sleep on sleepovers anyway. She's likely to stay up until the early hours having a load of fun not worrying about sleeping, watching films and having snacks, and then likely fall asleep exhausted, or come home and have a nap. Then she'll have more confidence for the residential at school.

A little update.

She went to the sleepover. Apparently her and another girl had a bit of a wobble, but managed to stay.

She was so knackered last night that she went straight to sleep solo, and did the same on the Thursday eve despite getting bit upset first.

I’ll update again in a few weeks time, and hopefully the positive trajectory will continue.

That’s great, and even better it helped her sleep at home for the first couple of nights!

Great update! Onwards and upwards hopefully!

Absolutely this.
Im not in the slightest surprised that she has such problems when any discomfort has always been eradicated by parents pandering.
No wonder so many children develop anxiety.

I have an 11 year old who has always had sleep issues. Not anxiety as such, but just no interest in sleep really. A real night owl. I am exactly the same tbh.

She’s a huge reader. I got her a kindle and leave her to it, to be honest. I can facilitate a lovely bedtime routine but I cannot force her to go to sleep. That needs to come from her. I had to work hard to accept this because her late hours gave me so much stress.

She’s going to high school soon and is going to have to be up much earlier. It’s going to be stressful for a time, getting her up and out, but I think this will force the issue re sleep