AIBU to say no to a sleepover my daughter wants?

[Pappybear]

DD (10) has never liked sleepovers. She wants to do them but finds it virtually impossible to get to sleep without me or her dh. It upsets her that she struggles to do them (whenever friends have sleepover parties I will pick her up early, through her choice).

She will sleepover at her cousins but that’s becuase she’s close with her aunt and knows she’ll help her settle if needed.

Dd has been invited to a party sleepover that she really wants to go to. Part of me wants to encourage her to try. But the other part of me thinks I’ll just get a phone call in the middle of the night asking to pick her up, and then she’ll be even more upset. Plus the hassle for the host parents. WIBU to say she can’t go? Or should I get her to try it and hope it works out ok?

Yes she conslept, and has always been like this with phases of being better than others. She’s more of a night owl and worries we’ll be asleep before her even though that’s literally never happened.

I'm not sure if I've missed something, but why does your DD need you and your DH for her to go to sleep - do you just mean she'll be homesick or miss you? Otherwise how does it work if you go out and have a babysitter? Is there SEN or ND or MH or a medical sleep issue here? If there's no additional needs it's quite unusual for her to need help "settling" to sleep at 10 years old.

If you're talking about her feeling homesick, then for the sleepover, the parents will definitely be ready for middle of the night freak outs. It does happen even with apparently confident kids. You would be best to prepare them though.

Try Paul McKenna’s sleep program. His app is available on the App Store and it has guided meditations and exercises to help you sleep. There are a few for different difficulties such as getting to sleep or waking up in the night. It’s a paid for app but it’s worth it for all the content you get access to. His anxiety program is also included in the app.

@Pappybear
"but if she can’t even do it at home???" but she'll not be on her own, she'll be with her pals, who undoubtedly will be very late getting to sleep too 😊

What is the worry she has about you being asleep before her?

It’s really difficult to explain. I still vividly remember crying myself to sleep at a sleep over and at the school residential at 11 years old, the night genuinely went on forever. I understand it’s frustrating but it’s not a dig deep situation. She’s not ready, not far enough into her mental health journey yet. I wish my mum had recognised that I needed ‘permission’ to come home. I think it’s made things worse for me, although I appreciate my mum was trying to show me ‘I’d have a good time’. I didn’t. At all.

It’s really frustrating I’m sure. Does she have OCD? I do. The spiralling and ‘magical’ thinking is out of control when your away from the safety of your familiar environment and people. Sadly and frustratingly she genuinely cannot control these emotions. They are intense and overwhelming. I’m 42 now- embarrassingly my (very understanding) husband has rescued me early from hotel stays in the past when I’ve been unable to overcome my feelings. We’ve been together since being children- he’s got the patience of a saint.

She doesn’t have ocd, or nd. She gets anxious about certain things but sleep is the main issue

She sounds so like me, ‘can I go asleep first?’ I said this all the time to my mum. Sometimes to my DH. It’s tough.

I had a very turbulent childhood with parents relationship breakdown and living between houses, missing each parent terribly when staying at the other one’s house. I think that was the backbone of the problem for me.

How far away is your son’s event? Will she have to go to that instead? If she went to sleepover would you be able to pick her up later after the event

It might be something to consider. OCD is not all washing hands and turning light switches on and off. I was only diagnosed at 38. I laughed initially but when I looked into it it was a lightbulb moment for me.

Have you told her it doesn’t matter if she sleeps or not? My DD (same age) had a phase like this where she was worried she couldn’t sleep. She got better when I told her that just lying there resting is absolutely fine and she’ll feel recharged just from that.

Thing is she has such a settled home life. Dh (her dad ) and me very happy. We love her and show her all the time. We (I think) strike a fine balance of challenging her worries whilst also supporting and not forcing her to do anything she doesn’t want to.

Sons event is about 20 mins away, and will end around 11.30. But part of me doesn’t want to go and pick her up after. We do a lot of facilitating and I think if she wants to go she had to be prepared to sleepover. But maybe that’s just my frustration talking.

We have. Sometimes it works

11.30 seems an ideal time to pick her up (if parents are warned). Give her the choice 11.30 pick up or stay overnight

I am genuinely intrigued as to how this manifested the way it has over 10yrs. From a therapy type of view theres clearly some deep rooted trauma, they say it can stem from before our memories are properly formed from age 4 onwards roughly

What age did she co sleep till? Has she ever had night terrors/nughtmares and thinks you are not there as in, not in the house. I assume she was not an abandoned baby left on your doorstep by a stork.

you must be so parient as I remember it being bad enough with the 20 million excuses to get out of bed. Toilet, drink, etc etc

Part of me thinks she needs to build some sort of resilience or this is going to impact her in so many ways later. It could just be the excitwment/fear of being away from home and when shes actually done it she will realise its not that bad really.

Wow. This brings back memories. I was exactly like your DD. I would panic about being the last one awake too which led to spiralling and of course then sleep didnt happen. You are being amazing with her though OP. So patient. My parents...... Were not. And that stayed with me all my life

We’re not always patient. We definitely can get frustrated and annoyed !

But yes, we want her to become more resilient
with this. We’re trying to help her.

I don’t know what deep seated trauma she must have, that’s pretty upsetting to hear. She was a wanted and loved baby, who has lived her life in a supportive and happy family.

I think this morning I’m going to have a chat with her and say the checking on her needs to stop. I think that confuses things for the times that she genuinely feels like she can’t get to sleep (which we can all have, right?).

I don’t want her to end up in a situation on the sleepover where she feels she can’t ring us becuase she feels too guilty too. I think that’s setting a bad precedent for when she’s older and in a situation she feels uncomfortable in and needs our help. But equally i don’t want her to bail at the first hint of not being able to sleep.

its really hard!

I have 4 DC and never done any sleepovers. I have health problems and need my sleep each night. DC were told this and have just accepted it. It's normal not to have one at our family home but all (so far) have coped with residential trips and independent holidays on their own with friends.

Let her stay for dinner then pick her up so she doesn't miss out with her friends.

DD had anxieties around sleep when she was younger (now a teenager and no issues!). She would even line teddy bears around her bed and there couldn’t be any gaps. We found ‘Helping your child with fears and worries’ by Cathy Cresswell quite useful.

I can't believe you are pandering like this. She's 10 and you're treating her like a toddler. No you absolutely cannot send her and leave the host parent to deal with this, that would be extremely selfish.

A very good friend of mine has two kids and both like this. In that case it was the parents who accidentally created that situation by creating that habit of staying with the child before they go to sleep and it became a habit. You need to break it.

She’s ten now, she needs to learn to sleep alone before she goes to high school. And so she can do camp. And so she is maturing normally and naturally. At the moment you are not helping her to reach age related normal goals. It’s not fair on her.

if you can, and if the parent accepts the responsibility, I would let her go and know that she is safe but might not sleep well. No one sleeps well on a sleepover, it’s no biggy. If daughter wants to go and openly accepts that risk - that you cannot pick her up - then I think you need to empower her to make that decision herself. And you can talk about calming strategies if she can’t sleep- take a kindle and just read. Take a device and headphones and listen to an audiobook. Those strategies will help her at home too.

To people saying it’s not fair on the parent, it is of you ask them. I would absolutely take responsibility for this for a good friend of my child and to help them to overcome a fear of being away from mum. I suspect many parents would feel similarly about a child they know and love.

Ignore the trauma nonsense. It’s just a bad habit, like thumb sucking or hair twiddling. It feels normal and comfortable - you just need to break the habit and find a new normal.

get other mum on board (yes it will be mum) and let her go. Give her massive praise afterwards for getting through it. Sit her down before and agree a plan of action for afterwards so you break the habit together. Maybe not immediately after sleepover when she’ll be tired and irrational.

a wise woman once said to me about parenting ‘everything is just a phase’. Even the good stuff! It’s so true. Try not to worry about what has gone before but do take steps now to address it.

You have GOT to stop babying her. She’s 10 not 2! Mind you at 2 I wouldn’t have this. She presumably knows what triggers her anxiety now and can use the techniques she has developed on her own, so she should be pretty resilient.
You need to let her crack on with it. If she doesn’t sleep for a whole night, does it matter? Schools over in 2 days. If she lies awake with anxiety and eventually drifts off, she will realise nothing is going to happen. I have a major anxiety disorder, diagnosed from serious trauma in childhood, but I taught myself that if I can’t sleep, it’s ok, it’s just not my night, read a book and eventually drift off. I cannot change the trauma but I can change how my body respond to it, once I worked this out (aged around 7 or 8) I have never had my anxiety interfere with my sleep. You are doing her a huge disservice by constantly checking in on her, pandering to her. Bed, story, tuck her in, kiss and a firm “goodnight sweetheart, see you in the morning” close her door and crack on with your evening and bedtime routine. It might take a few days, but she’ll work it out. Or her body will.
My older son does not sleep. He has autism and is basically awake all day and all night, he cannot shut his brain off. We aren’t in there every 10 mins checking on him! We drop in our kids once and do the Teddy Trick (kid chooses a Teddy to come downstairs with you, you put it by their bed so they know in the morning you checked on them) on our way to bed, thats it. He’s usually awake, but lying down listening to a story on Alexa or reading his kobo and that’s fine by us.