AIBU to think husband can help clean the family car?

[nettlesandweeds]

I’ve always had my own car, husband has never contributed financially to them, not a penny. It’s always been “my car”.
For reasons I’m not quite sure of, I’ve always done 99% of nursery then school runs. The children are almost teenagers now. We use it for all the many many journeys having children involves.

I once asked for help cleaning the car from husband and the scoff/laugh/surprise/incredulous cheek of the question reaction from him has stayed with me for years! It still bugs me if I’m honest.

AIBU to think he could at least understand that children = mess/dirt and the car takes some maintenance and he could help me very occasionally?

He works hard too (I work 50+ hours p/w) but I’m the main breadwinner.

Unless there’s a legitimate reason (for example, he starts work at 6am and works 12 hour shifts so is simply not there), the only reason you do all the nursery / school runs is that he’s decided it’s your job (despite your own long hours) and is too lazy or insufficiently committed to having a genuinely equal division of labour. Essentially he sees the kids as “womens’ work”.

If my DH took the kids on a car trip and asked me to clean it when he got back I’d probably laugh aswell to be honest.

Is this the only car?

@nettlesandweeds make the kids clean the car.

So what's the attraction of this husband other than a sperm doner?

That isn't the situation op has written.
I bet he's useless in other ways too. They are his kids.

No, we both have cars. Every time I go in husbands I collect the litter and coffee cups and anything belonging to myself or the children.

That’s not what I said. It’s 15 years of carrying children around and I’ve asked for help cleaning it once, I didn’t ask him to clean it without me.

If my DH asked me to help clean his car I’d think he was batshit, quite frankly.

It's your car so you clean it

How often do you go in his car and clear the rubbish for him?

Is this part of s much bigger problem?

Must be just me then! Fair enough.

What about help changing beds, washing, shopping, tidying, school admin, children’s admin, all dentistry (he’s never taken them), holidays ( he doesn’t come because of his work), hair cuts (he’s taken son once), school applications, cooking, cleaning the toilets (I am not sure he’s cleaned one in the 20 years we’ve been together!), I could go on…..

He does do some things like hoovering or tidying the house if I’ve taken the children away, and he’s very loving and reliable.

If you can’t be bothered to clean your own car then just pay to get done next time you’re in a car park with a car wash.

It sounds like you’re harbouring a lot of resentment from working 50 hours a week and doing all the school runs, which is totally fair enough, because that seems massively unfair, plus whatever else is going on in your marriage but you’re making yourself seem bonkers with this clean my car nonsense rather than focusing on whatever the actual issues are.

I would expect dp to collect his own litter and not leave it in my car if he used it. But I've never asked him to help me clean my car and I've never helped him with his. We just do our own.
Does he ever use your car ?

So, this is nothing to do with car cleaning…Labradors are very loving and reliable btw

So @nettlesandweeds family has two cars, OP's car and DH's car.
OP's car is used for almost everything to do with THEIR children.
When DH's car is used for the children OP cleans up after them.
The suggestion that DH might participate in cleaning up after HIS kid's use of OP's car -ONCE - was met with derision.

If this is all correct he's not parenting, is he? @nettlesandweeds is default parent and her car is default family car, while his precious car is his.
Not good.
I'd stop doing a few things I might be doing for him - washing, feeding, that kind of stuff.
Not my clothes, not my stomach, not my circus, right?

Why are you married to such a useless human being, and why on earth did you pick him as the father of your children?

My car is the family car and dh brought it for me. He also cleans it for me. He also does lots of ferrying the kids about and did about half of the nursery runs when they were little. In return I clean the bathrooms because he is useless at that and I tend to do the food shop / meal planning.

Jeez, don't you guys help each other on your marriage ever?

I managed to spill a lasagne all over the kitchens. Of made it, I'd cooked, I brought it out of oven and put it on side and walked to table and somehow it slipped out of my hands..
. Sosj smashed, lasagne ended up everywhere...floor, cupboards, ceiling, bottom of chairs, table etc.

DH didn't just sit there and watch me clean it up, we both did it.

Did you decide it was "your car" or did he? If it's your car I think your picking the wrong battle. If it's the family car but he's decided it's just yours as an excuse, he should be helping.

All the rest of the stuff you've mentioned he should be helping with though (or just doing half and you just do the other half). Ridiculous that he's not cleaned a toilet in 20 years.

YANBU at all.
Partners can and should help each other.
I have just asked my DH if he can hoover out my car while he is doing his today. Normally we do our own but I will be busy doing housework this morning and asked for some help. We are all going out in it this afternoon so it will be more pleasant for everyone if it is hoovered. He said yes. It’s a win for everyone.

Serious question- am I really bonkers for asking for his help when I was cleaning the car once? I’ve had 3 c-sections and that particular day I was really struggling as one of the babies was small and someone had been sick.

I was actually really upset by the reaction- hence why it’s still on my mind years later!

I need a car to get to work and carry the kids around so I had to buy and run one. It’s not because I want my own car. I’d be car less if I didn’t organise it myself. So yes, it’s ’my car’ for what it’s worth.

@nettlesandweedsare you sure it’s just the car that’s bothering you? Tell us what’s good about your relationship with your husband?

Of course you were not being unreasonable.

You asked him to help cleaning after his own child.

It just sounds that he is not used to being expected to actually take care of his children or clean after them. "Your car" is not really relevant here.