AIBU to think husband can help clean the family car?

[nettlesandweeds]

I’ve always had my own car, husband has never contributed financially to them, not a penny. It’s always been “my car”.
For reasons I’m not quite sure of, I’ve always done 99% of nursery then school runs. The children are almost teenagers now. We use it for all the many many journeys having children involves.

I once asked for help cleaning the car from husband and the scoff/laugh/surprise/incredulous cheek of the question reaction from him has stayed with me for years! It still bugs me if I’m honest.

AIBU to think he could at least understand that children = mess/dirt and the car takes some maintenance and he could help me very occasionally?

He works hard too (I work 50+ hours p/w) but I’m the main breadwinner.

That’s a bit of a drip feed tbh. This is clearly more than the car. Your DH is not pulling his weight and you are understandably resentful.

I’ve laughed my head off at DH asking me to clean his general crap, crumbs and wrappers out of his car but I’d always help if there was vomit or something nasty.

YANBU. This has nothing to do with who the car belongs to. The mess is caused by his and your children so helping you clean up is a no brainer to me!

Sorry everyone- just ignore my moaning. It’s Sunday and I have an entire house to clean and everything to get ready for next week, uniforms to wash etc and birthday party for daughter to organise and get to (husband doesn’t think he needs to come). (I worked yesterday so couldn’t do it then - 55 hours this week so far) I’ve dropped one child off somewhere at 6am this morning so was up at 5.45am.

I’m off to clean my car…..

OP have you said all this to DH? Someone being a nice enough chap who doesn’t philander or steal isn’t enough for a genuinely good marriage.

Tell DH that after years of doing vastly more than your fair share you are becoming increasingly resentful and you need to sit down together to make a plan to redress the balance before your marriage is unsalvageable.

If he values you and your family he will take you seriously and do the work.

You are not ‘moaning’ op. Your needs aren’t being met by the person who should be your partner. It needs a heart to heart discussion and improvement. Unfortunately, this seems way too common still.
Good luck getting everything done today but I would find a time to sit down with your DH, make a list of everything you do and divide more equally. It doesn’t seem sustainable otherwise and it isn’t fair.

Where is your DH in all this?

Cleaning the car isn't your issue. It's the spilt if everything else.

YABU for allowing this imbalance for all the years of your marriage. If you wanted and expected him to pull his weight you should have insisted on this from the start. Time to have a chat with him if you have only now decided you want him to pull his weight

This might help the discussion: https://www.fairplaylife.com/

Even though it's clear that 90% of the time it's the family car?

This isn't about the car, it's because he does very little to contribute to the running of a family and household. I hate cleaning the car, so I don't, I did invest in a bin that sits behind the arm rest and put a small bag in it and then it goes in the wheelie bin once a week other than that I pay someone to do it.

I’ve never cleaned my car! My husband takes it to be cleaned whenever he can be bothered.

I think the car cleaning is the least of your worries. Stop being a martyr. How can you be with someone who doesn’t even want to come to their own child’s birthday? Does he do anything with the children? You can’t change him, but you can change everything else. What is he bringing to your life? You must know this is not normal behaviour.

He’s at work- he’s a farmer so it’s 24/7 for him. I keep the home/family show on the road while he keeps everything else going.

It’s not really the car is it? You have a husband problem for sure, but since he’s been a lazy bastard for 15 years and is happy with the status quo of letting you do everything I’m not sure he’ll change…

question is, what are you prepared to do about it.

If you needed a car to ferry the kids around that's a family car and he's responsible for it too. Sick child for us would probably be one of us dealing with child while the other dealt with the car. Why is it you doing everything?

That is terrible! All the labour of a homemade lasagne just to decorate the kitchen with.

So, the kids are yours and he’s a single man? That’s how this sounds.

Personally I'd want help with the school runs rather than cleaning the car. That's far more time consuming!

It sounded utterly bonkers because even in normal partnerships people usually take responsibility for cleaning their own cars and also it’s quite an easy job to outsource for £20 whilst you’re at the supermarket. Meanwhile you’re working more than full time, he does absolutely nothing by the sounds of it (never done a school run or cleaned a loo WTAF) and you’re focusing on THE CAR. It does sound mad because the rest of it is so much worse.

However, 3 little kids, vomit that needed cleaning immediately whilst recovering from a c section is a bit different so I get that. You OP made it sound like it was just your bog standard collect the rubbish and hoover job.

Ah and there we are, the drip feed.
Obviously in this situation any decent partner would have cleaned the car instead of their wife who was recovering from major abdominal surgery!

I don’t expect my DH to help clean my car (I usually give my teen pocket money to do it).

But other housework isn’t “helping” it’s doing his fair share of the work to maintain the home he lives in - if you’re asking for help it means both of you consider housework your job

Massive drip feed

Can you afford a clearer? You need to lighten your load.

How old are the DC? Do they help?

I absolutely cant believe the responses on here... my DH washes my motorbike for me and that's definitely just my mud etc (and if im washing my bike ill do his as well).... surely that's marriage, a partnership where you naturally help each other out. There's no 'yours' and 'my' chores.

Absolutely this, if it's not already too late. He shouldn't be 'helping' you with the children either, he should be doing his share of the parenting.