Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

I don’t think dh’s really understand the amount of thought and planning that goes into a party at home. As far as they’re concerned, you just go and buy a bit of food, hire the bouncy castle and that’s it.

It would be a bit different if she offered to share the load. Was she expecting to invite her dc’s friends, her dh’s parents, etc also to the party?

No you are not a horrible Aunt , you have a horrible SIL

keep your day for your DD - it’s her birthday . Cannot believe your SIL expected you to pay for it all and organise it all etc - and complained to your DH - wow

She will almost certainly hijack the party, and probably invite her dad's friends, working in the basis you'll be too polite to turn them away.

Its a shame you can't uninvite her....or can you?

Of course she did because she’s a disruptive, demanding, entitled character with no boundaries - who always has people on eggshells / controlled with the threat of her volatility.

She’s met her match - well done. This would not only have set a precedent that you host her DDs birthday every year but she would come to dominate it and your DD would be pushed out.

Don’t give her any emotion, conflict or anger as that’s the fuel she’s craving. Detach from her in your head and keep your distance and dignity. Engage with her like a breezy receptionist.

Hope your DD has a wonderful birthday - don’t let your SIL weaponise the children.

I wouldn’t mind sharing the party as long as she’s willing to share the cost, hell no would I be doing it all

She’s having a tantrum because she isn’t able to come hoover up free gifts for her child!

Agree!
But let’s hope the OP gave her DH the facts rather than the ‘poor me’ version that SIL dripped into his ear!
The entitlement of some people just rattles my brain at times!

So kids are expected to bring two presents, even though presumably most of them don't know one of the two birthday kids? Yeah, if you want lots of awkward conversations with ticked-off parents, go for it.

I’m not sure you did yourself any favours by focusing on the non-sharing of the party and not the non-sharing of costs and work involved when speaking to your sil Op. I sympathise but of course she would use that to try to make her brother feel guilty and get him on side!

Ooof I’m not surprised you don’t get on with her - she’s a cheeky cow!

Well done OP for standing up to SIL, who is quite clearly trying to lazily palm all the responsibility of her daughters party onto you.

You have done the right thing standing up to her. She wanted you to do it all and have all the cost. Then you have a lot of kids that you may not know. Next thing there is a fight, kids are upset and crying not to mention your could have an older sibling or few older siblings added.
I have had friends that had birthday parties at home and they have all had problems at different ages and stages with kid's.
One friend of mine said that in future she was going to one of the local play places that do parties because it was cheaper and the kids were collected at a certain time.
It made her life easier doing this and she could invite the kids she wanted to this.

Your child will only have a few birthdays at home and as they get older they could want them in a local play place or maybe want a day trip to say the zoo ect.

If you let your sil do this once she expect this each year and that's not fair on you or your child.

She has shown herself to be a CF and then to go complaining to her bother your husband about this really shows her up. At least your husband is now aware that your not putting up with her behaviour.

Glad your DH is on board. What did you tell him to get him to understand?

Op all this because she can’t be arsed to sort something out for her own dd wow. I’m glad your dh agreed eventually she really is a bitch imagine if if your dh had agreed with her you did well sticking to your word she basically wants you doing everything because her time is obviously more important than yours.

Say to her it’s your child’s party and she wouldn’t be happy with a joint one (my sister and I had birthdays a week apart and had several joint parties which I’m sure my older sister resented), or that you can’t imagine hosting that many kids or catering for them so unless she is going to come and pay/make the food, prepare the house and supervise the kids plus provide a separate cake then no. You’re not a bad aunt, but she’s being very cheeky.

Just don’t do it say it won’t work for you this year as the party’s already been organised and planned out and single invites sent to her friends “maybe if your less busy next year it would be great to half the cost and work ” she’s being cheeky.
we did this almost same circumstances and I paid way more money and my child ended up with less presents as her birthday was 2 weeks before she had about 8 gifts and other had a whole massive box full which is fine but try explaining it to a five year old. They chose the date and booked the hall although I paid for it other family invited way more children and then had loads of family members show up. 0ur side had all bought two gifts and there’s said they hadn’t realised it was joined party. Guess who was left sweeping floors, never again. I blatantly said no when it was suggested again saying daughter waned her own party.

No sorry it’s my daughters birthday she isn’t sharing the day with anyone else

pay for and organise your own is what I’d be saying

she’s a cheeky mare!

So SiL wants to contribute no time or money and ask your DDs guests for gifts. Absolutely not.

I assume the cake and theme is all picked by DD too. And youre right throwing a party for DN is nice but its a financial burden you shouldnt have to face

If you wanted to be nice id say: No sorry, this is DDs special day. If you want to throw DN a party I can help with tips on how to create one.

If you wanted to be straight with her, id replay the scenario to her: You want me to organise the party for my DD as usual, to which youve no time to help or willingness to pay towards and then ask my guests to bring two gifts? No, that wont work for me.

I hope you really see her for who she is op. In the bigger picture she doesn’t view you as her family. She won’t be someone you can reason with and she is someone who can be very two faced to you. I really hope you have got the measure of her. I would cool it with her from now. She also seems like the type to hold a grudge. Just be aware

You are NBU. I think I pressed the wrong button.

Oh she's absolutely going to make your DD's party about her child, now. I hope your DH is going to make it plain that this can't happen.

SIL is looking at saving the cost of their usual day trip out! Say no it's not something you'd do when it's your daughter's birthday. It would dilute the attention she should have. A Birthday is all about the person/child. Unless it's multiple births. Call her and say it's not something you'll consider but if she's throwing a party you'll attend.
as you say all attendees will have to add the cost of two presents! It's a No thanks for the suggestion but no!

I agree with others she's going to try to make this about her kid. She wants a party for her on your dime and work and fuck you for saying not happening. She's ok with trying to cause trouble in your marriage. She sure doesn't like you.

Your husband is being problematic here. He sure is cavalier about giving away your time and work and it seems he agrees with SIL that his family is entitled to your time and energy, even to the detriment of your kids. Your SIL was trying to divide and conquer to get a big free party for her kid and he was ready to go along with that bullshit. He doesn't do the work and he doesn't get how this would take away from his own child's birthday.

Don't be surprised if now she tells your husband she'll pay some of the cost. Shut it down. Your having a party for your kid period.

It depends how you feel, if you don’t mind sharing then you need to ask for a financial contribution. If you don’t want to share then you’ll have to say no. If you say yes & don’t ask for a contribution this will fall on you every year.

I think we can all predict what will end up happening when SIL and her DD attend as ‘guests’…