Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

You can guarantee she will still do her family day out and you Dd still won’t get an invite!

I would just reply “Nice try, lol 😂” and move on.

Happy to hear that. Do let us know how she responds.

SIL is a CF.

"that’s her mothers
job"

Has the father died?

I’m the 1%. Pressed the wrong button.

no you’re not and why should your offspring have someone else’s friends?

Is SIL your OH's sibling? If so let them sort it out and make it clear effort is needed on both sides.

Or your siblings OH? In which case can't you tell them to share the load?

Say no. My cousins birthday was the day after mine and we were staying with my dad when my 6th birthday was. He took me to my cousins birthday party and convinced me it was a "joint" birthday party. It wasn't. It was all my cousins friends and I spent the whole time really upset (I still have photo evidence).

It's very simple. Your daughter has different friends from your niece.
You don't want strangers' kids in your house.
Sorry sis in law, do your own organising!

So your SIL is asking/expecting you to put on a birthday party for her daughter?

under the guise that you are doing one anyway for your daughter, but she’s too busy to do anything at all for her daughter?

Yes I can well see how you feel for your niece, her mother unfortunately doesn’t appear to have that same emotion. She a cheeky piece, and that’s being polite!!

I would say no to the joint party and keep that for your DD, but if her mother can't be bothered to do anything for her own child, I'd invite niece along for a separate playdate and have a little 'party' with a gift, balloons and cake just to quietly mark her birthday (without SIL there). I'm not saying you should do this or anything like that but it's what I'd think about doing as it's a shame for niece that she has such selfish parents.

Surely it wouldn’t really make sense to have in laws at your DN birthday, or indeed all the relatives from DN other side of the family.
explain you’re not in a position to accommodate more guests than usual and would rather not upset the usual routine of tour DD birthday. Perfectly reasonable.

I am angry just reading this. I just threw a birthday party for my daughter on the same week as my mums funeral, whilst also juggling a busy time at work- because things had backed up on my bereavement leave.

I made sure my daughter still had thoughtful presents on the day, and treats for her class and a wonderful party. In all honesty if you book a soft play or a trampoline park you can outsource a lot of it if needs be.

No one is THAT busy.

😂😂😂

Surely the guests that were coming for your daughter would only bring a gift for her. Would they even know your niece? Why would they bring 2 gifts?

This
And empathise that your DD party should be special to her and not shared with her cousin.

This. No way Jose.

“Sorry, no, I hope your dd has a lovely celebration whatever you decide to do, but a shared party means sharing the organisation, the costs, the food prep and all of the clear up equally, so I’m afraid what you suggest doesn’t work for me”

I would just send back that you’d be happy for the girls to share but if it’s a shared party then the work and cost will also need to be shared 50/50 otherwise you’ll just do your separate things as usual.

i don’t see how she can complain about that really.

Had this with my SIL years ago. We were combining the party. I don't remember who was paying but we were supposed to share the work. But quelle surprise, she didn't show up to help with the prep. So I told her that although her kids could come, it wouldn't be a shared party. I'm not a bloody maid and party planner.

She had form for this sort of thing.

Also if your DD is 4 then once she starts school she may want to have parties where she invites school friends, instead of family parties.

So it might be a bad time to start an arrangement of sharing a party with a cousin.

She's not asking if you can combine the parties, she's asking if you can do one party for them both at your expense and hard work. Suggest she does the same thing next year!

You could just say that your daughter wouldn’t understand why it want just her party, three year olds aren’t very good at sharing.
But really, your SIL is a CF. She wants to make no contribution?! A Mum friend and I did a joint party for our DDs’ fourth birthdays as they were on the same weekend and our DDs are besties. But we split everything 50/50, cost and effort.

Nope don’t do it. Do it once and you won’t ever get out of it again. Not fair on your dd. Nip this in the bud now

"No, that won't work for us".

Say no. It's not fair for your daughter to have to share her birthday party and you do all the work. She's a user.

Tell SIL no, but you'll tell her where you rent the things if she wants to do that for her kids.

Charge her 50% of the costs?