Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

LOL, not just me then! 😘😂

Of course DD gets her own celebration. But it's that, her own celebration!

"Good lord, no! It's enough work for just one child, doing it for two would just about finish me off!"

Is your dd having friends at her party? Why the heck would they bring two gifts? Surely SIL isn’t expecting to invite her dc’s friends to a party you are paying for …:

In my experience parties at this age can be overwhelming. Too many kids leads to tears and meltdowns.

Id say to SIL that I don’t think this will work out, as dd is already looking forward to her special day and has been talking about it for so long, she wouldn’t understand if she suddenly had to share it with her cousin.

Just noticed this post! (The OP alerted me to it!)

Yeah, I read it as that too. 😆

Thank you for your oh so kind offer SIL, the answer is no!

CF, she is!

You’ve shot yourself in the foot by asking if she’d contribute.. because now it’s clear you would happily share if the load was shared too. So it’s nothing to do with not having a shared party because DD wouldn’t like it. I do agree she is a CF so I’d be inclined to be honest and say that as you’re the only one putting in time and money you don’t want think it’s fair your SIL doesn’t do the same.

If she has a habit of CFery, be prepared for her to hijack your party and demand everyone celebrate for her daughter too.

God, she is cheeky!! No, no, just no.

They presumably have two separate groups of friends? So, double the party size, double the cost and stress and expense for you. No.

Incredibly cheeky of her even to ask.

If you would be happy for DD to share the party (and didn't mind doing all the work for a break on the money spent), then I'd bluntly tell her how much it would cost to cover half the cost. If you'd rather DD have her own party just for herself, YANBU to tell her that. She can think DD is spoilt if she wants. I wouldn't care. It's normal for kids (and many adults, for that matter) to want their day to be their day, not a shared party.

Just say that no, it would be unfair on your child and the friends she has invited to include a child they don’t know and their friends. Shared parties only work where they have shared friends coming (ie whole class invites between kids in the same class at school). But perhaps the girls could have a tea party together on another day?

As children get older they often move from just family invitations to friends.

i suggest you say this year if she wants a joint party you will only agree if:
Hire a venue
hire the bouncy castle
get caterers in
split cost & not book anything until all money paid

then
have a cake made for your child, she makes one for here or pay proportionally

she not like it? She can do own party and you will do your usual.

Perfect answer.

And if you say “yes” this year, it will also become the default expectation next year…

She's a CF and trying to piggy-back on your party. Absolutely stand your ground. If you want to be nice, "I've had a chat with DD and she has a lot of people she'd like to invite. I think the venue is too small for two friendship groups and I don't have time to make that much food. If you want to hire somewhere bigger, handle the decorations and split up the food prep, then we could talk about that."

Very cheeky. A friend of mine tried to do that to another friend of mine…… similarly she didn’t want to do any of the work either.

Thanks for the suggestion but I would prefer to carry on the tradition of my daughter having her own party/own special day.
End of.

Honestly she’s so fking cheeky, ur not a horrible aunt she’s a horrible sister that she would even ask this of you. Please say no, or it will then become the norm every year. So rude.

Tell the SIL to piss right off. If she wants a party for her kid she can throw one herself. Tell her why would you want her kids friends running around your home when you probably don't know half of them. Sounds like she can't be arsed to spend money herself and has asked to join up her kids with yours to save the cost to herself. Plus why would your friends want to buy gifts for a second kid unless they're friends with the SIL too

I have a niece and nephew born on the same day. My CF sister did this every year to my brother. DB hosted / organised the family birthday celebration for my nephew and my sister would rock up with a cake for my niece. Sister expected niece to have her own happy birthday moment. Sister expected gifts from eveyone as well. Brothers in-laws were kind people and did indeed buy gifts for the child they were not related too. My brother is still resentful 30 years later!

I really hope the 1% who voted YABU just hit the wrong button by accident.

Either that or your SIL is here, OP!

You do all the work, but with extra guests.

She does nothing.

The pressies come rolling in. All the people she invites - that is, friends or not-mutual family - will get scalped for two pressies, not one. Her friends will buy one for DN, but might, ahem, "miss" the bit about buying one for your DD ( whom they don't know). While you, as hostess, set the expectation of two pressies with your non-mutual friends.

As CF-ery goes, it is top class. Especially as you and she fon't particularly get on.

Tell her no.

This would be setting the bar for the next 15 years. She thinks she's got it cracked.

Oh no, that won't work for us. We like DD to have her own party for her birthday.

And that's that. What a cheek she has.

Hang on, so does this mean that DN invites a bunch of guests too?