Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

My thoughts exactly, it might just result in the DN and DD having a lot less friends turning up if the parents are expected to buy present for a strangers child as well.

Hope the party goes well!

OP i really think you or your husband should give your in-laws or mutuals a heads up that SIL was trying to pull this stunt and let them know directly it isn't a joint party

If SIL is not contributing in any way then it’s not DN’s party is it? Don’t do it as this will probably be expected every year

Screw that, she is being rude and cheeky. If she wants a party then she can put the leg work in and organise one. Not fair for your child to feel like it’s not about her on her birthday. Tell your SIL no and no explanation needed, the answer is no.

She has a whole year to plan her own child’s birthday. YANBU.

If you do it once she will expect it every year.

Only if you want to, BUT she would have to contribute 50/50 in costs, effort and help - and at your house or hers?
I think kids prefer a party like yours, bouncy castle etc than a day out (that’s more the adult wanting it I imagine esp at that age).

Bit cheeky to basically jump on your band wagon and have all the perks but none of the costs or effort.

Just say no best to keep seperate at the moment, or “great idea let’s do it all at yours as your garden is bigger / your house is bigger / yours is different if we merge parties that will be better I’d love some help”.

Keep the celebration dates separate. Say it’s important that each child has their day and it doubles the opportunity for the families to get together which is wonderful and important 😉

Blimey, requesting a post party update with what the cheeky mare did next!

CF at best.

Say no. Flipping heck, how rude can SIL get.

Say all organised, too late. Happy to consider next year but she has to do half the work and paying. That will put her off!

Yes!

For me the issue wouldn’t be sharing the party- that wouldn’t bother me at all so yabu a little on that count- it would be that’s she doesn’t want to pull her finger out and help organise any of it. Too busy! Cheeky cow. She’d be getting told to do one.

Super cheeky of your SIL.
I’ve done one shared party (when my daughter was 3 so 10+ years ago) and didn’t do it again. I got all the food, sorted out hall hire and the other mum spent £100 on single-use decorations for that one party!

And at this point I would be sayig DN is welcome to join. Drop her off and f**k off for a few hours!!
I think every child should be able to celebrate their birthday and feel special but this is a parental issue to sort. Not for an aunt.

Say no. Shared parties are only really acceptable for twins imo. Most children want their own special day not to share it with others. She's a cheeky cow esp as she's not offered to help with anything.

Go on strike. It's your DH's turn to organise and pay for the party. Entirely. Go out for the morning on your own, and don't return until the party starts. Then do nothing. Don't even open the door. Of course you'll cut the cake he made, and make sure you're in all the photos.

Just say, each of the children deserve to feel special on their birthday and by sharing a party, neither of them will. My DNephs have birthdays 4 days apart and when younger, had their own parties with their own friends.

“No” is a complete sentence.

She’s a CF. If she doesn’t have the time to throw a party then her child doesn’t get one. You aren’t being mean. The absolute gall of your SIL to ask in the first place whilst fully expecting you to do all the work. You are not responsible for anyone’s feelings here except yours and your DD’s!

Messager her OP. Literally say - I said no SIL. Going to DH is not going to change anything, he tells me everything. I organise the parties and it's a no. End of. Organise your own party for your own child!

Honestly, I would send that message - make it very clear that what she says to DH gets back to you.

If you don't you'll be dealing with this crap forever.

I’d be absolutely livid.
i can’t believe your husband thought this was okay. How much is planning on organising and executing, or was his idea that you’d be doing it all too?

Pleased he has come to his senses but seriously. WTF 😳

Your DIL sounds awful. She really needs to learn some boundaries!!!

As she saw fit to go behind your back, I would tell your SIL that her daughter is welcome to come as a guest, but she is not. I think she will try to hijack your DD’s party for her daughter if she’s there. I would warn your in-laws too, as your SIL has probably whined to her parents or spun them a yarn about it being a joint party - make it clear that it is your DD’s alone.

Then they will end up babysitting DN. Just invite them as guests and let that be that.

She has told you now what she is like. So at least in the future you know she's a trouble maker and entitled/ potentially divisive. All good to know for the future and prevents a massive side swipe later.

Your DD might love it if her cousin was there too. But how many extra kids? That's probably too many little ones to supervise safely. If I did it I'd ask for cash contribution or food contribution as well as committment to extra kid wranglers on the day. You can't share a cake tho