Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

Well you need to correct her mindset then!!

Something like:

Sorry SIL I’m a bit confused. I think it would be nice if the girls had a joint party, but I think that is different to me essentially extending DD’s party to include DN.

Im very fond of DN, and I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way but I value my time as you do yours, so I was somewhat upset at the suggestion I do all the work for a joint party.

Don’t be a pushover.

We have already planned Dd’s party so that won’t work for us. Don’t apologise - she’s a CF.

Shes more front than blackpool beach. Tell her to sling her hook. Tbh my message wouldn't have been polite as yours

Nip this in the bud now or it will like this until they are 21. and by the way your sil is a cheeky fecker.

Hey op your sil is a cheeky cow just say discussed with dd and we are just having her friends to her party it is not fair on parents having to buy gifts a kid they don’t know also you don’t want this to become the norm dd sharing her birthday it’s her special day and your dn will have to just do what her parents do surely a mum isn’t too busy to celebrate a dd birthday.

After I had picked my jaw up off the floor! I would text her..

😂😂 nice try! You are funny. But all joking apart, what are you doing for your DD birthday this year?

"I'm not so keen as it is just putting all the burden on me."

Just be straightforward.

She's the bad aunt, not you!

Yes this.

@1stWproblems what @tinyspiny said. And you can still say ‘DN is very welcome as a guest at DD’s party along with siblings but no friends, as I want it to be about DD’

I’d add as it’s her party that we planned & paid for in her own house!!!

CF on turbo

WHO THE FUCK VOTED YABU!!!??? 🤯

MADNESS! 🤡
ALSO YOUR SIL IS A CHEEEKY TWAAAT!!! 🫩
You are deffo NOT being unreasonable!!!

Edited to add: I would take a leaf out of the Royal Family's book...
"Never complain, never explain"
And deffo don't fucking apologise! @1stWproblems

I like this.

If she argues back.

“You expect me to do all the planning, hosting, pay for everything and you do what exactly? It doesn’t work for me, I want to enjoy my DD birthday without adding any more stress.”

I can understand you feeling bad for DN, but if you did it this time I guarantee it would be expected forver more!

Did you message SIL OP? How did she take it?

No thank you- since you don’t have time or finances to have this be a 50/50 effort, I don’t feel it’s fair it’s a 50/50 party. But please let me know when you would like to do DN’s and we can make sure they don’t clash.

That is a truly lovely thing to do, and something that little boy will always remember and cherish. You have made me feel teary and guilty about my lack of care towards others.

I agree with this. thsts what i was going to say

In our family it would have probably been a joint celebration from the beginning because it’s so hard to get everyone together but there is no way anyone would expect just one person to do everything 😂 I actually think you should unpick this a bit more with your SIL as otherwise you will probably be made out to be being awkward.

UPDATE: FUMING at this point!!!!!!!!
I messaged SIL saying,” it’s a lovely thought but I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing her day.” She didn’t respond and went straight to her brother (my DH) to COMPLAIN about me refusing! He initially took her side, saying it’s not a big deal, the kids are young, so I knocked some sense into him and now he’s made clear it’s just DD’s party but of course DN and SIL are invited as guests. The bloody CHEEK!!!!!!!!! As if planning all this already wasn’t stressful enough!

Ooooh i just know she's gonna accept the invite and then rock up with a cake for your niece.

So she wanted you to plan and host a kids joint birthday party for which she wouldn’t be paying for or helping with, and then is mad you said no? Then complains about you to your husband? I think it’s pretty clear to see who is the problem here 😂 Enjoy planning your daughter’s birthday, rise above her antics with a friendly invite when the time comes and don’t give it a second thought.

Whilst I agree that your SIL is a lazy, cheeky, naive, sneaky you know what.

Personally, I would have been generous and would have said to SIL of course DN can come along and we will still wish and sing happy birthday to both girls. But as you are making no contribution whatsoever to the party in terms of time, effort, expense, stress, headspace, imagination, cleaning up before and afterwards etc. The party invites will just have your DD’s name on and only people she knows and wants there will be invited.

She will tell family it’s their chance to give niece her presents and bring a cake…. She’ll also likely pin a big badge on niece saying “birthday girl” or similar

Cheeky B!

Bet she didn't tell DH that she was expecting to fully freeload off your time and money. Does DH get involved with organising or is he lazy and doesn't get how much effort goes into sorting stuff like this?