Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

personally think of the children,

1. i don’t think the reply without any explanation is a good idea. In reality ‘no is a complete sentence’ doesn’t work.
2. Why is it just mum who is responsible for making the birthday happen?

So she wants to put no effort in but take half the glory.
Different if she offered to front half the cost.

Be careful she doesn’t bring a cake along to your daughter’s party for your niece to “share the day”

Sorry SIL, by the time DD has her friends along with everyone else we invite, it’s going to be too much on space etc. Maybe another year we can look at a joint party and plan it properly so we’ve everything covered between us from decorations, food, location.

I done a joint birthday for my daughters 1st birthday and it was all on me to organise. The people invited were again mainly there because I invited them, despite knowing my DS & her baby as we’d been to the same classes etc but one actually brought just my daughter a gift and said she didn’t really know DN enough to buy as well. Never again will I do a joint where it’s like the second child is just ‘there’.

I have twins and did them separate parties in primary school! Cheeky cow

I got good advice once which was : if people don’t feel uncomfortable asking you to do unreasonable things, don’t feel uncomfortable saying no. It’s absolutely ok to want to have your own party for your daughter, and in this instance is sounds like she’s seen what a great job you do at parties and is passing off all the burden and effort. I’d simply say sorry that not going to work for us this year, we’re having our own party for DD but really looking forward to welcoming you there as guests! Alternatively, you could also say - perhaps we can plan a joint celebration together next year.

The only way it is feasible is if she pays half and does half the work.

My friend and I have daughters born a week apart. We did a joint soft play party. Paid half each. Got each of our daughters a cake (we got the same cake as they both wanted the same theme) and brought our own plates/napkins and balloons. It worked well because we didn't have to do much.

Tell her dd doesn’t want to share but she wants you will get her organise you nephews one at her house , you can send her a list of things needed .
Or if your daughter doesn’t mind sharing tell her that since you are doing it in your house you expect her to pay fur everything else then send her a list and price .

She's a CF!
We are going joint for DS to minimise the no of parties people have to go to in the summer (he has 7 before end of term!) and cut costs. So splitting everything evenly including the admin. Otherwise not on!

Definitely not unreasonable to refuse. Shared parties means shared costs and shared planning and preparation.

I clicked the wrong one. Sorry. Of course you aren't being unreasonable. She is a cf. Say no that wouldn't work for us.

Just say no. Sorry, that's not going to work for us. If she presses then you can explain you want to keep this is your dd special day.

Nope. She's taking the piss.

Nah, that's not going to fly. Joint family parties stop working as soon as they have classmates. I would say this year you're moving on to having her friends only and not even invite family. Life changes.

I'd say no as daughter is a year younger and wants specific theme etc, but DN is invited of course! And I'd maybe offer to help with organising but not paying for DN party, but I'm a terrible ppl pleaser so might not be best advice !

Shared celebrations can be great in theory, so long as the parents are sharing the organising, too, and the children are ok with it. It sounds like she can't be bothered organising anything for her child, and is hoping she can just jump on whatever you have planned.

No. You reply that this is your daughter's day, and she deserves a day that's all hers.

Shared parties rarely work. My friend had identical twin and even they have separate parties because they have different friends and interests, albeit they are older than 3 an 4 years old.

Say NO, your DD is a very special person and you don't want her day spoilt. Be blunt and very very clear, otherwise she might try and steamroller your DDs party.

Surely the point of a shared party is sharing the effort. Great SIL which bit do you want to do, money, effort? Nothing just rock up and enjoy 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️make it clear how CF she is

She’s taking the total piss here.

My daughter had a joint party with her best friend when they were little. Me and the friend’s parents paid 50/50 and put in 50/50 effort (setting up, sorting food and party bags, organising). That’s what made it a joint party.

Oh so you don't intend on helping out even though there will be double DC so double food to prepare accessories games party bags etc. But your leaving all the work for me and DD has to share her birthday with DN?

Tell her to book a soft play party if she wants it all doing for her. The CF.

I would say thank you for thinking of us, but we'd like to keep DD's birthday party to be a special day just for her, but if you are thinking about doing a party for DN this year that would be lovely too.

If you go along with SIL's suggestion, DD's birthday party is destined to be compromised, there is a serious risk it will get spoiled, and you will end up doing twice as much work while SIL drinks prosecco and chats to her friends.

Then next year there will be an assumption that the party will be shared with you doing all the work and you'll never get out of it.

DO NOT BE DRAWN INTO DOING IT, OP!

Fair enough if she was planning to do half the work, and pay for half the costs, but just to expect you to do it all and add her DD in. No. I’d just say you’ve thought about it and sorry but you would really like your DD to have her own special day.

From the sounds of the SIL I doubt she would even think to spend the money on a cake if she didn't expect every child there to be coming with a really expensive gift for HER daughter.