Am I a horrible aunt?

[1stWproblems]

My DN (3 yrs old) and DD (4yrs old) have their birthdays this month. I always do a party for my kids, invite in-laws, my parents and siblings, hire a bouncy castle and do the food. Meanwhile, when it’s DD cousins birthdays, they always go out for the day so no parties. Don’t get me wrong, if they can afford to take their kids out , honestly I don’t mind, good for them I say. I just don’t want mine feeling like they’re missing out hence the party.

Received a message from my SIL asking if we can combine DD and DN birthdays. So I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? Politely tried to ask SIL if she wanted to handle the decorations or the food and she said no she’s too busy. She just thought as I always throw a party to have DN in there too?

I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say no sorry, I don’t want DD to feel like she’s sharing because that sounds so spoilt. And it is my niece , I mean surely I should have no qualms throwing her a party?

At the same time why should I have to shoulder the bloody burden especially when I don’t particularly get on with this SIL but I suppose that’s not DN fault. SIGH!!!!

Of course say no. It's your child's party!

So you have to do double the work and she gets a free party? She’s a CF.

Just say no, you don’t want to do twice the work.

DD and DN are 1 day apart. SIL has always done a lovely party for DN and DD goes as an invited child. I never get involved beyond as directed on the day: washing up, tidying up etc. The guests don't acknowledge my DD at all and I certainly don't expect presents. Your SIL is a CF.

Just respond “oh sorry I thought you wanted to share the celebration? I’m not sure I understand what you are suggesting then.”

I did a shared birthday party with one of DS's friends in Reception because I knew the other mum was struggling financially and her little boy did miss out sometimes. The mum couldn't afford to contribute much and I didn't mind. It was nice to see how excited he was about having his own cake!!

But in your situation I don't think I would have done it. Niece does have her birthday marked by her family and does do nice things. I think the mum is being a cheeky madam.

‘No. That won’t work for us’

No further explanation which she would twist and weaponise. Just repeat the above.

You have no obligation to host / throw a party for your niece - that’s her mothers
job - but you do have a responsibility to preserve and protect your own DDs day. This is CFer boundary creep. Build your walls higher with these types of characters.

My sister and I have birthdays only 2 days apart, we never shared a party, ever. My mum made sure we had our own special days, I think that’s the best way to go. Say no and let her do one herself.

Same here. It was a frantic few days for the parents, but she and I got our own parties.

That's definitely cheeky. A shared party does include sharing the cost and work. The birthday children usually have mutual friends too don't they?

I wouldn't agree to this. I'd tell her sorry that doesn't work for you as your children have always had their own birthday party and you all prefer to keep it like that.

You don't need to change what you do just to please someone else.

Put your child first OP and say no.

This is perfect!

Just say nfw

I really appreciate my mums efforts now, for sure. She’s must’ve been run ragged, lol

Write back 'I would be in charge of the cooking, the cleaning, the decorating, paying for everything but all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts and my daughter would have to share her party? No thank you 😄'
Or just 'no thanks!' the woman is treating you like a mug, don't allow it.

all guests would be required to bring 2 party gifts Do they have the exact same friends? Or is she expecting parents to buy a gift for a child they don’t know?

And if you’re doing all of the work and paying all of the costs, I’m not quite sure how it’s a joint party? Doesn’t joint mean that both sides share the work, the cost and then the fun? What she’s asking you to do is to budge your daughter over and share her party with someone whose parents have contributed nothing towards it. Outrageously cheeky.

They brought it on themselves by badly planning the shagging!

I’d just say I’ve thought about it and I’d prefer them to have separate birthday celebrations. Why should you do all the work??

We want to keep to the tradition of a special celebration for 1 person. Their special day and choices

I’d use the classic “Sorry, that’s not going to work for us.” for this one.

Just say no, she’s having friends from nursery/preschool only this time.
Once she’s at school she won’t want the little cousin tagging along, family events end up being much smaller in my experience.
Sil is being incredibly cheeky expecting this of you.

No that

Just say that DN is very welcome to come and celebrate DD's birthday, but the party will be just for her.

Ask what her contribution would be? Or, just say no, that doesnt suit, if you're really not keen, and I wouldn't blame you, if you're not.

So you do all the work and cover the expense while she gets a party for her daughter that she's too lazy "busy" to arrange? Erm, no!

Sorry to derail but when i clicked on this thread I had misread it as "am I a horrible cunt?"