AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*

[CoffeeDate22]

I’m with a relatively new partner , about 8 months in to dating and things having been going pretty well. I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s. I have a history of sexual assault which he knows about. Something happened which made me uncomfortable and I’m looking for some perspective?

We’d been out for drinks and I was pretty pissed. I’ve had some family bad news recently and I was a bit emotional and drank a bit too much wine but not completely out of it.

When we got back to his flat we started having sex. I remember I was pretty messy, staggering about but I still consented and wanted to do it. I started to give him oral sex and during this he suddenly pushed my head and made it (sorry) go too far in and made me gag. I threw up … on him.

I was extremely apologetic but he made me feel really awful and like it was totally disgusting. I get it’s not nice but he pushed my head down! And I was really drunk. I ended up apologising so much and basically grovelling for him to give me a cuddle that night when we went to bed. The next day he was still saying I can’t believe you did that it’s so gross.

I don’t know. I feel upset and strange about it. AIBU?

I'm glad you vomited on him; it's the absolute least he deserved.

Totally his fault. Maybe get a chart and a pointy stick and explain to him the anatomy of the human throat and the purpose of the gag reflex?
However you really shouldn’t have apologised at the time! He caused this! And now he feels all justified. Ew.

Some comments here are to dump him, I dont think its a dumpable offense, its a common thing for men to get excited in that moment of a BJ. However him blaming you is not right as it was his fault you gagged and was sick.. make it clear he should never do that to you. and move on from it. Theres no reason to keep going over it.. xx

The fact he didn’t apologise after you told him what caused it tells you all you need to know about him

Yes. Op was performing a sex act, he got carried away resulting in her throwing up. She willingly took part. That isn’t assault

The reason to dump him is the vile way he behaved afterwards not necessarily the sex act, though that's also vile

He sexually assaulted you, hurt you and you’re apologising? He’s not a good man. Please leave him and find someone who treats you right

She didn't consent to him choking her did she? You're completely wrong about that.

He is not an idiot. He knows about the gag reflex. She didn’t consent to this. He should be the one apologising not her.

Did you post the other thread (it reads the exact same with minor details changed)?

Dump, due to you having to apologise to him and not the other way

If he'd thought with his brain, instead of his penis, he'd have known doing that to someone drunk was a stupid idea. He's watched too much porn Op, he thinks ramming it down your throat is normal. Stop saying sorry and say goodbye instead

He didn’t get “carried away” - he removed her ability to breathe by choking her with his dick, causing her to vomit as a result. That is not what she consented to and minimising it as “carried away” isn’t on.

He stimulated your gag reflex and you gagged. He was too forceful. Not your fault, he should apologise.

He assaulted you and called you gross for having an involuntary reaction lmao what a dickhead you should leave him and tell him its because his midsection is too fat and you found a younger fitter guy

It could be 'porn culture' I suppose fuelling an increase in these threads, iyswim, but it does seem a bit of a sudden influx of these types of threads on AIBU, I agree. MNHQ might think it better to move them to the Sex board or Relationships, though.

This

As I said in my other posts OP has nothing to apologise for and the fact he didn’t apologise tells her everything she needs to know about him

I would actually say this to him - actually you forced my head down hard triggering my gag reflex and I was unable to breathe and I’m the one who you think should apologise - you have issues but luckily I don’t have to deal with them as you are finished with - how dare you tell me to apologise when you caused it. That it is an assault - you assaulted me!

You said he got carried away???????? Like seriously???? Oh that makes it ok then. Jc way to minimise a serious sexual assault and blame the victim. He knows right from wrong. He would go mad if she shoved something down his throat. Don’t infantalise him fgs

If you’re gagging you aren’t not breathing. Yes it’s not pleasant obviously as OP was sick but I wouldn’t define it as assault others would.

Op I would say police but they’ll do nothing. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. He deserved you biting it off in shock not just vomiting. Please make sure you are surrounded by loving supportive people and dump his arse

Well luckily the law does so your opinion doesn’t matter

Yes I said that, I also said what I said in the post you’re responding too. I haven’t said I agree with his actions have I? I don’t think infantalise him is what I’m doing at all, you’ve got the wrong word there.

‘Op I would say police but they’ll do nothing’

What a dick.
Once i had too much to drink and me and my partner started playing around.. I also gave him oral but went too far down and threw up. Was it pleasant? Nope. Was it nice for him? Probably not. But he didnt make a big thing of thing. I felt horrible throwing up and apologised and he told me it was fine. We both went to get cleaned up and didnt continue anything else after that...we cuddled afterwards and that was that.

He is being a dick, 100%. What exactly are you being unreasonable about?? He pushed you down, you naturally gagged and then threw up. I get it probably wasnt nice being for him (or you!!) but going on about it like a child. Making you feel bad?? Making you beg for a cuddle?? Nah that's abusive.

Throw this one back in and do not look back.