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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird atmosphere after my partner did something strange during intimacy last night

147 replies

Panickingatthepicnic · 25/04/2026 08:16

name changed for this. Tw - sexual act? Sorry if this is crude I’ll try and keep it as normal as possible!!

I’ve been with my partner 2 years. I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

He’s also very loving and has been nothing but gentle with me during sex. I’ll try and keep this as non-crude as possible. Last mint we were messing around on the couch. It was jokingly and light hearted and I started to get near to giving him oral sex (kissing/licking), we were laughing and I was messing around, teasing I guess. He then pushed my head down onto it, and was laughing. I was shocked and couldn’t breathe properly and panicked and tried to lift my head but couldn’t, and then I tapped his leg and he let go.

i said “I didn’t like that”. He was immediately apologetic and said he didn’t like what he had done, and he meant it as a joke. He then got really quiet and I kept trying to reassure him it was ok. He then went out for a drink for an hour and left me.

we’ve never had “forceful” sex, it’s always just been normal, and gentle. We’ve talked before about how things like pulling hair, choking etc are (in our opinion) horrible and isn’t something we’d like to do

during that time I was thinking how weird it was. I remembered 2 other occasions during sex when I felt weirded out.

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke.

The other time, £10 fell out of his jeans after he’d finished and again he threw it at me and said “for your services”

Ive been sexually assaulted in the past so I don’t know if im reading too much into these events.

when he came home he again apologised and said he didn’t want to make things weird with us and said let’s go to bed. I said I didn’t want to have sex and he just went to sleep. I feel like I said no because he’d gone out and I wasn’t in the mood anymore rather than holding what he did against me. He was quiet and apologetic again and said sorry for ruining our evening and that he didn’t like what he’d done

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

am I thinking too much into this? Should I just let it go? I don’t even know what I’m upset about

OP posts:

nutbrownhare15 · 25/04/2026 08:18

What he did isn't ok so I'm not sure why you need to reassure him. Let him be quiet and think about what he's done. This and the other things you mention don't sound great. Is this a relationship you want to continue with especially as he seems to engineer so you are the one reassuring him not the other way around?

Ace56 · 25/04/2026 08:20

Stop reassuring him. What he did was wrong and he needs to sit with the guilt of that. Him now turning into the victim is manipulative. You were right to refuse sex afterwards.

Bones101 · 25/04/2026 08:21

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke"

This is disgusting and unacceptable. He's showed you who he really is. I really hope you leave for your own safety xx

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 25/04/2026 08:24

He ‘jokes’ a lot, doesn’t he? Except he isn’t funny at all.

And he uses this ‘joke’ methodology to cover his shitty behaviour.

Turnitoffnonagain · 25/04/2026 08:26

He's horrible and you can do better.

awfulapril · 25/04/2026 08:27

SoSadSoSadSoSad · 25/04/2026 08:24

He ‘jokes’ a lot, doesn’t he? Except he isn’t funny at all.

And he uses this ‘joke’ methodology to cover his shitty behaviour.

This

Endofyear · 25/04/2026 08:27

Trust your gut instinct OP, his behaviour is concerning. You don't need to keep reassuring him, you need to tell him that his behaviour is not ok and if there's any repeat of these 'jokes' the relationship is over.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2026 08:30

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all.
I heard that women constantly pass out on set from deep throat, they change the camera angle until they come around to do it again. It’s disgusting.

PersephoneParlormaid · 25/04/2026 08:30

If you put all these things together, I think he’s showing you who he really is. Honestly, I’d end it as you’ll always wonder when the next thing is going to happen.

Mumlaplomb · 25/04/2026 08:34

No OP that isn’t acceptable and the other incidences are not acceptable. It’s a pattern of behaviour which will escalate if you stay with him.
He likes to force you to do things and wants to cheapen you by throwing money at you.
I would be ending the relationship.
Edited to add - please stop apologising to him. He knows he has crossed a line and that is why he was sorry and is concerned about things going weird.

MightyGoldBear · 25/04/2026 08:34

I'd suggest he had therapy for entitlement and integrity abuse. Chris jones is a great therapist for this. Firstly op I would get support around yourself and a individual therapist for you. None of us (strangers in the internet) can predict how he will react so you need to keep yourself as safe as possible.
Can you stay away at a friend's or family's say you need some space. He if seems in a space to want to change suggest therapy. Then with the support of others perhaps you put in some boundaries and a timeliness before you return. You will want to of seen some changes , if he does therapy his therapist will also be able to talk to you.

Equally you can just leave op it's not your responsibility to fix any of this that's his job. You just need to keep yourself safe and deserve to be cherished and loved not manipulated which is what he is doing pushing your boundaries like this. Its abusive tactics.

Wishing you all the best op.

Holesinmesocks · 25/04/2026 08:35

I've left a man for less than this. I don't tolerate idiots in any respect no matter who they are.

Original poster

Panickingatthepicnic · 25/04/2026 08:36

The leaving me to go for a drink just made me spiral really. He does go out for “quick drink” a lot with his mate who lives close. But after that a bit of reassurance would have been nice.

He’s never usually like this during sex or intimacy. We just have normal sex and he always asks “are you ok?” If I move or anything. It was so out of the blue and just not funny at all.

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 25/04/2026 08:36

Forcing someone into a sex act isn't a joke.

CatRestaurant · 25/04/2026 08:37

Too much porn filled with women gagging on penis.

bigfacthunter · 25/04/2026 08:37

Yeah I agree with others, it’s so manipulative to guilt you into a position where you have to constantly reassure him.

He did a shitty thing, we all do shitty things sometimes and he can reflect on it for a little while and then not do it again and it is not for you to feel remotely guilty about! Assuming he knows about your past experiences he really does have to do even more work/reflection.

The ten pound note thing is a joke I can imagine making. The forcing himself on you while you’re ill is absolutely not on, if I’m reading that correctly I don’t think he is really the nice guy you think he is.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2026 08:39

He is most likely turned out by watching this.
I think every man who tries this should practice on himself first, thrusting a cucumber or banana deep into his throat. Doesn’t seem so nice.

Lostallhistory · 25/04/2026 08:41

I think you need to explore why you think you have to reassure him, because you absolutely shouldn't be doing this. This is his bad behaviour that he needs to take responsibility for.

PinkyFlamingo · 25/04/2026 08:41

this morning he’s quiet wirh me and I hate that I have to keep reassuring him

Why on earth do you feel you have to do this? This is how abuse starts and he's already got you doubting yourself, not a good sign. None of his behaviour is funny so not sure how it's meant to be a "joke". For your own safety and mental health end this relationship now

Warmlight1 · 25/04/2026 08:44

bigfacthunter · 25/04/2026 08:37

Yeah I agree with others, it’s so manipulative to guilt you into a position where you have to constantly reassure him.

But I hope that you would make it with someone who would find it funny. The OP doesn't sound like she did. And wouldn't he know that?

EnjoythemoneyJane · 25/04/2026 08:45

I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway

That’s sexual assault.

Then he threw your clothing at you afterwards. Nice.

He threw money at you ‘as a joke’. Because it’s obviously hilarious to make your partner feel cheap and used after sex.

Now he’s physically forced your head down.

I’m sorry OP, but he’s not ‘lovely’ or ‘gentle’. The moments when the mask slips are showing you who he really is.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 25/04/2026 08:47

I read this
I love him a lot, but we have had arguments in the past about him being quite selfish and expectant of me.

And recoiled from my phone slightly.
I read your entire post what you are describing is a series of data points which build a picture on his views (these are not random "oopsies")

The being quiet and you having to "fix it"....is actually perhaps the worst part.
Would he be having to "fix it" if you asphixiated him????? Youve glossed over it but he has sexually assaulted you twice now...
Consciously or unconsciously (who cares?) He's slowly training you....

As a woman who is probably older than you with 2 kids in town I will tell you plainly...

It is a huge mistake to stay with this man.
Do not marry him and dont have children.
Ideally break up with him asap.

Fuzzbuzzy · 25/04/2026 08:47

Don’t do what I did and put these apparent deviations from his normal behaviour as strange aberrations you don’t like but can ignore, as you can’t explain them. Eventually, the ‘aberrations’ will become the norm. They reveal something fundamental about him.

I think his behaviour reveals a deep underlying contempt for you ( probably for women). The one where he threw his jeans at you is awful. Jokes are only funny as they hit on something true. That ‘joke’ revealed something about how he truly regards you.

I also would guess he watches misogynistic pornography where women are degraded, hence this coming out in these episodes.

He may be suppressing these attitudes he has, he may even not like having them or be aware he shouldn’t have them. But he does. He wouldn’t have behaved in the way he does if he didn’t.

You should throw this one back in the sea OP.

neverbeenskiing · 25/04/2026 08:48

first time he kept trying to go down on me when I was really sick, I kept saying I didn’t want to but he did it anyway and then after threw my jeans at me after as a joke

This made me really sad for you.

You weren't feeling well. He knew you weren't feeling well. You told him repeatedly that you didn't want to and he "did it anyway". That's sexual abuse, OP.

bigfacthunter · 25/04/2026 08:51

Warmlight1 · 25/04/2026 08:44

But I hope that you would make it with someone who would find it funny. The OP doesn't sound like she did. And wouldn't he know that?

Show quote history

True! I was just trying to imagine what in the world he was thinking for each of these different situations. I wouldn’t actually make that joke, I just meant that I can visualise that somebody might reasonably make a joke like that (however misjudged). But the other two things there is no planet on which they could be passed off as jokes!

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