AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*

[CoffeeDate22]

I’m with a relatively new partner , about 8 months in to dating and things having been going pretty well. I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s. I have a history of sexual assault which he knows about. Something happened which made me uncomfortable and I’m looking for some perspective?

We’d been out for drinks and I was pretty pissed. I’ve had some family bad news recently and I was a bit emotional and drank a bit too much wine but not completely out of it.

When we got back to his flat we started having sex. I remember I was pretty messy, staggering about but I still consented and wanted to do it. I started to give him oral sex and during this he suddenly pushed my head and made it (sorry) go too far in and made me gag. I threw up … on him.

I was extremely apologetic but he made me feel really awful and like it was totally disgusting. I get it’s not nice but he pushed my head down! And I was really drunk. I ended up apologising so much and basically grovelling for him to give me a cuddle that night when we went to bed. The next day he was still saying I can’t believe you did that it’s so gross.

I don’t know. I feel upset and strange about it. AIBU?

Thankfully you are not just wrong in fact, but also in law. It is assault. The reason for recent posts could well be that the men involved have been watching porn. Quickly progressing to gagging is common in porn movies. In those circumstances, specific consent to gagging is obtained in advance, or the recipients are being coerced and abused which is a criminal matter. There is so much material on consent discussed these days it is difficult to imagine anyone with normal social intelligence is this unaware.

He caused you to vomit. Don’t feel bad.

Dump

It was 'fucking disgusting' that he pushed your head down. The fact that you then found yourself grovelling for a cuddle from him is so depressing – that surely cannot be the kind of dynamic you want for yourself in a relationship.

If you stay with him this sets a benchmark for behaviour you will tolerate from him, and for behaviour he is happy to dole out to you.

Leave him, leave him, leave him. Can't say it emphatically enough. Fundamentally, this bloke doesn't care about you. This is the time to really show yourself the love and care you deserve, and end this relationship.

Reminds me of the time ex wanted to try anal, and I was young and curious and said OK - then he complained that there was poo on his penis - well, yes, that's where poo lives..

Apparently there's preparation you can do to prevent that - but he knew I'd never tried anal before, knew I'd not done any of that prep, so I don't know what he was expecting really.

Anyway. Of course you're not being unreasonable. If someone shoves something in your mouth all the way to the back you're going to throw up. That's how bodies work.

This is not a good man.

His "it was only for a second" pisses me off. Obviously that's all it takes. Many unfortunate things can happen in just a second.

Walk away, you deserve better.

Nope, this is big red flag territory. Get rid.

Tell him you only threw up for a second.

Then block him and never suffer his pornsick bullshit again.

There are two threads about this in the last 24 hours both by first time posters, the other one doesn't feature vomit.
I think some men might get off on women being outraged by such scenarios, and how degrading it is, just seems a bit of a coincidence

This is not going to end well. Run, don't walk.

Dump.
Kick to the kerb.
Burn all evidence.
Get fucking rid.

Really horrible OP. Sorry that happened to you.

the fact he hasn’t apologised for his part is a red flag

The only thing you've done wrong is to apologise!

Tell him forcibly that what HE did was disgusting, and it's his own stupid fault that you were sick on him.
Oh, and tell him never ever to do that to a woman again.

And then leave him. As others have said, this is an abusive relationship, you need to move on.

Giving a man oral, does not mean you consent to him ramming his dick down your throat, FFS. How porn sick are people now days?

Let me help you, if I have sex with a man, it doesn't mean I get a free pass to shove my fist up his arse. Im sure you can understand that one, can't you? Well brace yourself, this may shock you, but women have the same rights as men and arent just blow up porn dolls.

Not your fault at all - perhaps he’ll think twice about doing that in future (if you stay with him that is).

"My partner very suddenly forced a sex act on me without asking for my consent. It caused me to vomit. Instead of apologising profusely and asking if I was OK and trying to help me, he called me disgusting, stormed off and is now sulking about it."

There, fixed it for you OP.

The fact that he is blaming you tells you he is training you to suit his needs.

He is training you to be tip toeing around him and doing what he demands, too scared to 'cause a fuss'.

Huge red flag for an abusive arse who will 100% get worse and worse.

Be glad you've discovered this early on and RUN.

Just for this

I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s.

and he pushed your head down….

I think your gag reflex did you a favour. Kick this predator to the curb

Yes. You can be play fighting with someone giving gentle taps but if he punches you in the face hard it's still assault.

If I said what I thought you should do to this man I would be banned from MN

Ah. Right. Plus there's been a couple of anti-women comments on this thread.

You're right to flag it.

I think we can assume the 'men' who hate women are on this thread now.

I would counsel against any more detail.

I don’t see how this has got to 7 pages.
His fault 100%
This will escalate
Bin