AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*

[CoffeeDate22]

I’m with a relatively new partner , about 8 months in to dating and things having been going pretty well. I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s. I have a history of sexual assault which he knows about. Something happened which made me uncomfortable and I’m looking for some perspective?

We’d been out for drinks and I was pretty pissed. I’ve had some family bad news recently and I was a bit emotional and drank a bit too much wine but not completely out of it.

When we got back to his flat we started having sex. I remember I was pretty messy, staggering about but I still consented and wanted to do it. I started to give him oral sex and during this he suddenly pushed my head and made it (sorry) go too far in and made me gag. I threw up … on him.

I was extremely apologetic but he made me feel really awful and like it was totally disgusting. I get it’s not nice but he pushed my head down! And I was really drunk. I ended up apologising so much and basically grovelling for him to give me a cuddle that night when we went to bed. The next day he was still saying I can’t believe you did that it’s so gross.

I don’t know. I feel upset and strange about it. AIBU?

Get rid - there’s someone better out there for you. And with that age gap, you’ll likely end up his carer in your 60’s/70’s!

He knows full well it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't pushed your head down, the animal.

Yikes please explore why you even need to ask.
Have you had counselling? Mention this to a counsellor and they'd be horrified. It's abuse.

Dump him. What he did was wrong. His behaviour and attitude towards you after is wrong.

This has happened to me too OP, and like you I was mortified and immediately grabbed cloths to help clean him up.

About a month later I eventually said to myself that it was his fault, and he had behaved appallingly by grabbing my head and forcing himself in deeper. Being covered in vomit was the least he deserved. He should be ashamed making you sick.

I would never put up with that behaviour again. It’s not your fault.

Just read that’s he’s blaming you and saying it’s gross. Get rid of him now!!! He has no respect for you or women in general.

He's the only disgusting thing in this situation. I agree with everyone saying it's time to dump him. You can do better.

Fuck this man and all like him. I hope he gets dick rot.

He is the disgusting one - run in the opposite direction. Not normal. He doesn’t want a human girlfriend with inconvenient human aspects like stomachs so I’d recommend he leaves the human race well alone and invests in a sex doll.

What he did is absolutely NOT okay.
No good man would do anything during sex that would take control away from you without explicit discussion BEFORE in a not sexual moment, especially knowing you've previously experienced SA.
Giving oral puts you in a vulnerable position, It is easy to choke/have your breathing restricted by the penis, so the man should never be the one controlling/dictating depth.
Hand holding hair or on the back of the head resting, fine, but pushing down at all trying to force more of himself into your mouth is imo sexual assault.

Geting vomited on is him getting off very lightly, he should be ashamed and disgusted with himself, not you.

He's just shown you who he is, and that he's not respectful of boundaries and can be abusive, i'd urge you to please, put your safety first and leave this man.

I'm so sorry op you did nothing wrong that's 1000% on him. Him pushing your head down is a giant red flag as is his behaviour afterwards. That man will see you as a object to serve him and any human emotions, needs, illness you dare to show will be a inconvenience to him. Run so far away from this man op.

Absolutely not your fault.

I remember dating a new guy back in 2010. When we went to have sex for the first time, my period started right as he slid it in, and he screamed in shock like a little baby, called me disgusting, got dressed, left and I didn't see him again, because HE refused.

Some men are just twats.

I vommed over my husbands leg in the early days I wasn't even drunk just ill. He didn't even mention it he just looked after me cleaned the bed,himself and held my hand as I drifted off to sleep. Op there is a man out there that will cherish you even when you've vommed on them! but it is not this man! You deserve so much more.

'most people agree it’s not a good sign'

It's not just not a good sign, its a blaring red siren. Get rid of this deluded creep and find someone much nicer x

Pushing your head = red flag
His reaction = red flag.

You know this but you need to leave him

He’s the gross one not you. And I agree it’s assault.

He is the one going over it. Did you read what OP said?

Doing something that makes you gag whilst having sex is of course a reason to dump someone

He probably will as he seems to think it’s OP’s fault.

Dump him right now.

Nope, I’m afraid your furious accusation doesn’t work, because I asked my question before OP had made any replies to anyone.

Take yourself somewhere to regulate your emotions.

Your throat is not a sex organ, its not designed for a penis. If you ram a dick into someone's gag reflex they will be sick. Especially if you do it without consent

Just like if you ram it up someone's arse you'll get shit on it. If you stick your penis in a jar of Jam you'll get jam on it. What did he expect?

It's not your fault and I would be leaving him based on his reaction

You couldn't help it, it was an involuntary action. Dump him. Sure it's not a nice experience for him but it hardly was for you either, and he initiated it. You have nothing to apologize for.

OP please leave (and safely). I assume you don’t live together as it’s a relatively new relationship so hopefully it won’t be too complicated. This is concerning and his behaviour may escalate.

yanbu. Bin him.

Even if you hadn’t vomited on him you should not stay with someone who pushes your head like that.
There are red flags all over the place with this guy. Apart from the head pushing, him reacting like that and not seeing or admitting that it was what he did that made you vomit is a big red flag.

Get a large banana or dildo and ask him to let you ram it forcibly down his throat to see how he likes it. What a vile piece of shit, dump him immediately you deserve better than that.