AIBU or is this not 100% my fault? *Warning - involves sex and a bit graphic /gross*

[CoffeeDate22]

I’m with a relatively new partner , about 8 months in to dating and things having been going pretty well. I’m late 20s, he’s late 30s. I have a history of sexual assault which he knows about. Something happened which made me uncomfortable and I’m looking for some perspective?

We’d been out for drinks and I was pretty pissed. I’ve had some family bad news recently and I was a bit emotional and drank a bit too much wine but not completely out of it.

When we got back to his flat we started having sex. I remember I was pretty messy, staggering about but I still consented and wanted to do it. I started to give him oral sex and during this he suddenly pushed my head and made it (sorry) go too far in and made me gag. I threw up … on him.

I was extremely apologetic but he made me feel really awful and like it was totally disgusting. I get it’s not nice but he pushed my head down! And I was really drunk. I ended up apologising so much and basically grovelling for him to give me a cuddle that night when we went to bed. The next day he was still saying I can’t believe you did that it’s so gross.

I don’t know. I feel upset and strange about it. AIBU?

This is because less than 1% of rape and sexual assaults go anywhere. It’s her word against his. He’ll deny it. It will go nowhere.

rape is pretty much legal now as long as you don’t use force. It’s awful.

Edited - op there is no harm in going to the police and reporting if you expect them not to press charges. If you just want a formal record somewhere and for him to know it’s wrong, obviously report. I just want to manage your expectations going in xx

Jesus christ OP, he's an utterly vile pig.

Please please block him.
If you were my daughter I would be devastated for you.

He is a nasty abusive pig.

I too think he assaulted you. Vile pig.

Serves him fucking right.

I've read this differently to most others on here. 2 pissed people having sex, one went too far momentarily. If he'd done the right thing- apologised, promised to never do it again, make sure you were ok, I'd be inclined to chalk it up to experience and let it go.
The reaction you got from him on the other hand would have me running for the hills. He's doubled down and blamed you for what at best could be described as an accident, unless you feel like it should be described as worse. I couldn't let that go as it shows how he'd behave in future. The relationship is fairly young, as are you. Get out now and meet someone who values you.
BTW different circumstances but I once accidentally threw up on DH years ago. He was shocked and horrified but saw the funny side. He never made me feel bad for it even though I was mortified. We still laugh about it occasionally.

That's called gaslighting. This is just the start. I think you'll end up going from one abusive situation to another, if you don't leave him -now-. You can prevent this from going any further. Please don't stay with someone like that, because this is the first warning sign.

She has said multiple times that they do NOT have this kind of sex and actually agree it is not their thing. So, I'm trying not to be too blunt, but why don't you fuck off with your assault apologist bullshit.

Bin him. This is a major red flag. He pushed your head and should feel sorry about what happened. But he doesn’t. Major red flag.

And bluntly, sorry, you need to control your drinking.

Horrible man. Hope you’re ok, OP.

Tell him to let you shove something down his throat. Only for a second.

On second thoughts don't bother. Just tell him he's dumped.

He got what he deserved 😇
He shouldn't have put you in that position, especially knowing you'd had a decent bit of drink in you. Surely it's common sense that getting your gag reflex tested spontaneously after drinking wouldn't be the best idea. He's an absolute goon, don't you dare put this on to yourself! In a nice way.

I'd find it hard to look at him in the same way after he tried to make you feel ashamed of it, tbh. Don't take anymore of his shit, don't let him make you feel guilty, don't let him make you feel embarrassed. Who the hell does he think he is! He caused the situation, he can deal with the outcome himself, this isn't on you.

Bin this dirtbag. How dare he? He pushed your head and choked you with his dick, now he’s trying to make YOU feel bad. Scum. Probably watches a lot of porn. Run far and fast away from him, OP.

@CoffeeDate22 Not RTFT just your posts but you need to dump this guy. He’s not a safe partner for you. I once threw up on DH, quite early on in our relationship, because of my own drunken enthusiasm in delivering a blowjob. DH thought it was funny and we just cleaned ourselves up - no fuss. This guy caused you to throw up by his own aggression in shoving his dick into your throat. This is his fault. Stop apologising. Point out that he caused it and he owes you an apology. And then dump him because he’s a pig.

‘do you realise what’s just happened?! I know you’re drunk but you just fucking threw up on my dick. Fucking disgusting’

Well I would say that's risk you take when you let some one who is pissed & staggering near your cock tbh.

Oh & you should leave him.

And if he “got carried away” and strangled her, would you be for allowing the “rough sex” defence?
Consent to have sex is NOT consent to be treated roughly. Getting carried away is a false excuse, just as “saw red and beat her to death” is also false - such men never seem to get carried away in situations where they’re the ones who’ll get hurt.

You have nothing to apologise for
He was a dick
He seems rather fond of porn if he thinks head pushing is OK

Yes it is assault.

Stop making excuses for men and learn about consent... you might find the FRIES acorynm useful. You can Google it

Well that’s taught him a valuable lesson - choke someone and activate their gag reflex and there’s every chance they will vomit on you! Maybe he won’t do it again to someone else!
Dump him sharpish! He sounds vile.

He made you gag, that can made people vomit even sober. Easier if you stomach has a lot of liquid in and you are pissed, but can happen even sober.
Dump him.

Drunk, heat of the moment might be excusable but his reaction afterwards gives him away.

Really he should be apologising to you for pushing your head down at the very least. Continuing to be pissed off and blaming you is just terrible IMO. Sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Hopefully you can find better.

Another man thinking he’s a porn star!
Dont apologise to him, he’s totally in the wrong. Dump him and move on

I was with someone and he came in my mouth and I threw up - he was disgusted and I said if he drank his sperm he’d throw up too!!! Bye twat

Sorry I voted yabu in error, I thought you meant aibu to apologise to him. Definitely yanbu.

Similar, first night my friend met her now husband she was reverse cowgirling whilst very drunk and ended up throwing up all over both of them. Difference is they laughed got cleaned up and noone was abusive

Sure he would be sick if someone stuck something down his throat too.
He's been watching too much porn, thinking all women can abuse their bodies that way. Gross man

Wow, just wow. Not sure where he got the notion you’d even consent to that. Also it’s a pretty normal reaction to gag and vomit if something gets rammed down your throat. How does he not know this!?

Just because you had worse does not mean you aren’t worth better…