AIBU to wonder how twins’ closeness changes in adult life?

[DoubleWobble]

Pregnant with twins. None in the family. I’ve only known a few sets of twins but both sets of identical twins that I knew as a child were very, very close, and a little bit insular. I don’t know any twins now.

How have the twins you knew ended up as adults?

My (identical) twins are still close - they’re in their thirties. They went to different unis and are now both teachers, but in different schools. I think they di have a very close bond, but I wouldn’t call them insular.

Did you separate them at school or do anything like get them to pursue separate hobbies?

Are we talking identical twins? I know 2 sets - 1 set has no friends apart from each other and seem to be almost recluses, the other set definitely have their own identities (different hobbies, some joint friends and some not) but are also incredibly close.

i have known both sets of twins since they were small children. The set where each twin has their own identity was not brought up as a unit, they were brought up to be 2 separate people just like any other siblings, whereas the other set of twins had to always wear the same clothes and they were only allowed to go to an after school club if tbey both went because the parents thought it too inconvenient to do 2 school pickups.

My MIL and her twin sister still have a closeness in their late eighties that is amazing in some ways but can also border on toxic.
They were brought up in an era when it was thought cute to dress them identically until they left school. They were always referred to as “The Twins” as if they were two halves of a whole rather than individuals in their own right.
There is something a little passive aggressive about their relationship that I think stems from being constantly measured against each other.
I wonder do boy/ girl or boy/boy twins endure
such scrutiny?
I think parents are more sensitive now to a child’s need to have their own identity.

I know two sets of adult twins, both boy/girl.
One set are very close, best friends, lived together after uni, she was his “best man” etc.
The other set barely speak - no argument or falling out, just two very different people with nothing in common and no real relationship.

i've got boy/girl twins in their twenties and both married to others now but are still close. I'd say they were closer than normal brother and sister.

I'm very close with my non-identical twin. We share friends a lot (for example she's close to my university friends, we went to different universities and chose very different subjects), speak daily, worked together for a while etc, but were raised as distinct individuals.

On the other hand, my cousin's husband doesn't speak to his twin at all.

It can go either way imo.

I have a twin. We’re very close as adults but as children we were very much encouraged to have our own story and interests and friends.

We’re far from insular but closer than siblings.

As a teacher I recommend twins be split. They should be able to have something to call their own.

I have twin nephews. Years ago I heard a programme about twins. The researcher had studied the twins movements in utero and followed them through to adulthood. She identified two types of twins - those who shared the womb well, seemed to cuddle each other or to move in synchronization and those who were all elbows and knees, pushing for space . . . She found those patterns continued as a baseline through their childhoods and adolescence!

My nephews were and are big sharers, always thinking about the other. As children, they would share a bed whenever allowed, climbing out of their own bed to find each other. They are not identical and have very different interests, but still turn to each other first and foremost.

I know a set of identical adult twins who no longer communicate with each other. It was a slow drift apart, possibly due to their parents treating them as one unit, ie: ‘the twins’…… this and that. There were unfavourable comments made if one achieved more than the other.
I think they both just got fed up with it and went off to carve their own lives after their parents died.

Im a twin and I would say its a bond like no other. We were close growing up, argued a little in teen years and now nearly 30 we are so close. I know what she thinks vise versa. I think the key was not to dress us the same. My mom if she did put purple on me and pink on her. In secondary school we got put in different classes and I think it helped a lot. Not in primary though we just sat at different tables. But I love it. I would love to have twins because of it. (2 girls)

However my friend who is a boy girl twin describes same bond but isnt as close and they have drifted. She finds him annoying 😅

Not at all. They were in the same class all the way through - I wanted them to go to different schools for the sixth form, and one of them did one day at a different school and then said either she was going back to her old school, or she would leave school, so I let her go back. They took different options for A levels, and did completely different degree subjects at different universities. I think there is very definitely a twin “bond”, but they do lead their own lives.

Cheers all.

The twins I knew at school either didn’t like each other much and were competitive, or were very close but to the exclusion of other friends and didn’t bother much at school. I’m not sure which is preferable!

My twins are mid 20s now and very close despite living about 150 miles apart ... they have some form of contact most days, whether its text, whatsapp, FT.

They had their usual bickers growing up and also had separate friends, as well as joint friends as they were in different classes.

Congratulations OP it's a brilliant, exhausting journey, lots of fun. Please don't read that thread about twins that's going on at the moment ... it's crackers 😁

My friend's identical twin brothers were very close at school. They were brought up individually though - their mum encouraged everyone to call them James and Adam rather than "the twins" - I've known them all my life and I've never heard my friend refer to them as anything other than Jim and Ads.

They fell out about 15 years ago when one sought out their abusive heavy drinking dad, who'd been thrown out when they were kids, and the other thought that getting back in touch with him was unforgivable. Really sad but the other kids (big family) have taken the side of the twin who didn't get in touch - they have no desire to have their dad back in their lives.

I’m a 43 year old twin and my twin sister is my best friend. My twin has twin girls (17) and they are also very close

I am an identical twin and my sister is my best friend. We didn't get on when we were younger and had separate friend and were quite competitive and I hated sharing a birthday. However, we have been very close since teens. We live about half an hour away, have our own careers, kids, husbands so only see each other one a week or so but talk all the time and our kids are super close to their cousins 💞.

We only found out one of our uni friends was an identical twin at graduation!
He was very fed up of not being seen as an individual through his entire childhood....I don't believe they are NC as adults or anything, but definitely very keen to forge their own paths.

This is like me and my twin sister.
For the love of God don’t refer to your children as “the twins”. It’s quite de-humanising - non twins probably won’t truly get that.

My twin is one of my favourite people! We're in our late twenties. Very different as people and pursued different careers and lives, but close despite it all.

That said nobody can wind me up as much as she does sometimes (and no doubt she'd say the same about me)!

Congratulations, it’s an amazing journey! I have id twin girls who are now 23. They are very, very close but have their own identities, interests and friends- though do often share friends. One went to University the other end of the country and one did a degree apprenticeship at home.

They are great cheerleaders for each other, have similar interests so it wasn’t possible to send them to different out of school clubs because if one wanted to go so did the other but we never made them do the same thing. I’d suggest be guided by them, encourage different interests if that’s what they want but don’t stop them if they do want to do the same things. Mine were in the same class at primary (one form entry) but different classes at secondary- though they ended up in many of the same classes when they were in sets.

I know identical twins in their 80s and they have lived together their whole lives - neither ever married. I don't think it's a healthy relationship though; one is very domineering and makes all of the decisions for her sister, including where they live and stopping her from ever learning to drive. It's 100% a control thing.

They had a very sad, difficult childhood to be fair, and it's as though their relationship never evolved beyond those years.

My non identical twin girls are becoming closer now they're through uni, during secondary school they didn't get on at all! However, as non identical they are effectively sisters so this seems reasonable.

You will meet lots of people who are half of a set of twins when your babies are born in my experience. They love to come over and tell you so! I did used to ask are you close with your twin? And found half were still close and half said they didn't speak any more!

My twins are now 16 (girl/boy) they were very close as young children, then not close through most of school and are now close friends again. I hope it will stay that way into adulthood.

My girls are in their mid twenties now. They are very close, but they have their own personalities, friends and hobbies.

They shared a flat when at uni, but actually went to different unis in the same city.

My two were brought up as siblings who happened to be the same age. They were never expected to be inseparable or stick together constantly. They have healthy boundaries with each other and I always insisted they have their own birthday presents, Christmas presents and the likes.

We have another set of twins in the wider family who were very much brought up as “the twins”. They weren’t allowed to go anywhere without the other and it meant it was impossible for them to have strong friendships other than with people that wanted to be friends with them both. The quieter of the two has started to branch out more recently and it is not going down well with her sister, or their parents (their parents found it odd that I “allowed” DD1, who is in her mid twenties, to move out of their shared flat to give an idea of the parents). I do not think it’s going to end well at all.